To lose sympathy for this friend and her health issues?

[Anotherposter76]

I just want to start off by saying I also suffer from multiple health issues but I actually try my best to help myself and also I’m very proactive about doctor’s appointments and hospital appointments and so on.

I have a friend who has been dealing with some health issues for the last couple of years - feeling dizzy and lightheaded and passing out and collapsing every few weeks - but she literally does nothing to help herself and just complains all of the time instead. She doesn’t follow up on appointments, she never goes to the GP or hospital when these episodes occur, she doesn’t sleep properly or eat properly and drinks and smokes quite a bit.

Up until now I have been really sympathetic and even going round and taking care of her (she’s single and has no kids) after these episodes and encouraging her to get help from the GP (she always says she can’t be bothered).

I’m just getting sick of listening to it now knowing she’s not doing anything to help herself so why should I?

AIBU and a terrible person/friend?!

What’s her reasoning for not getting seen by a doctor? How odd!!

She said she basically can’t be bothered because they never do anything (she’s never even tried!)

I know how stressful this can be, had a relative that did something similar, but on a much larger scale! So draining and toxic! You have my sympathy 💐

As an aside perhaps show her this link to PoTS.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/postural-tachycardia-syndrome/

She might also be depressed and not see the point in going to the doctors. I have a condition that the doctor basically doesn’t know anything about and won’t refer me to anyone about - all he did was give me anti-inflammatories which shot my blood pressure up sky high. Frequent blood tests that always show the same high result but apparently not high enough to do anything about. You begin to think what is the point Maybe back off a bit if you’re getting fed up with her.

It sounds likely shes very depressed and the thought of getting help feels too hard.

It’s difficult being a friend to someone like that as it’s frustrating. You’re not terrible for feeling how you do but I’d try to stick by her if you can. Offer to take her to appointments, call the doctor for her, take a healthy lunch round etc if that might help and you have time.

Maybe she suffers from health anxiety and is scared of going to the doctors. People assume HA means running to the doctors every five minutes but it can often mean the exact opposite, so rather than speaking to a doctor she speaks to you, you can’t tell her bad news. Worth a thought.

You’re not a terrible person, but a supportive one. It’s difficult to support someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. You imply she’s missed appointments so she’s had opportunities to see a doctor but has refused to go.

Maybe say that if she doesn’t go to the doctor, how does o she know they can’t help. I suffer from dizzy spells every so often and get prescribed stematil. It makes a real difference.

As @LetTheLiquorTalk suggests, can you offer to take her to the appointment.

However, if you find offering the support is impacting on your health, mentally or physical then maybe it’s time to withdraw a little.

Missing scheduled appointments is really out of order given how hard it is to see a doctor atm, she’s literally wasting an appointment that someone else might desperately need.

I wouldn’t have much patience with this behavior either, OP. I’d be tempted to say that either she makes and keeps an appointment to get some medical advice, or you’d prefer not to talk about her health anymore and you can’t help out when she’s feeling unwell.

Maybe she's worried / has experienced the Dr just telling her to stop smoking and drinking instead of doing further checks for any other cause of the issues

I thought POTS, too.

She says she can be bothered but she's probably scared.

YANBU to lose sympathy though.

Tough one I’m going to say her reasons why she isn’t seeking medical attention is 1 of 2 things.

1.This is just purely for attention and there isn’t anything wrong.
2.She is worried that there is seriously something wrong.

I think it’s silly for her not to seek advice can you not coheres her into something along the lines of “ I had this and it just turned out to be a middle ear problem, which unfortunately doesn’t resolve itself”

If she still refuses then I would say she’s attention seeking op! Have you actually seen any of these “episodes”?

Don't get angry at her, her life is her life, however she chooses to live it. Look back at yourself, you can only change your own behaviours. You feel used so stop.

I think it sounds like you're experiencing some compassion fatigue. You may need to take some time out so you can continue being her friend.

I know someone similar who won't go to the Dr despite of being quite obvious they should... but I think they're scared it's going to be bad news. Dealing with the inconvenience of the illness is less scary than the potential news they might get.

Could a Dr not visit her at home? When you're there? So you can support her and make sure she actually explains the issue?

I think you need to take a break from being the support person before you can once again be present for her.