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Original poster

Is it okay to divorce someone over a porn addiction?

27 replies

Littlepotatoo · 01/02/2023 23:47

I (F27) am married to my husband (M29). I met him on vacation and visited him 4 times before I decided to move to his country. I moved here 4 years ago.

I should have left him in the time I found out about everything he did but I didn't. I was young and naive.

The first 2 times I visited him I went with a friend. Once for a week once for a month. We were very close and I would say boyfriend and girlfriend after that month I spend here. We both felt the same way. The 3rd time I visited him he apparently was spending time with another girl but I didnt know that in that time.

When I moved out here for him and we started living together I found out he was spending that time with another woman cause I found the pictures of them two kissing. I went crazy but I stayed, I saw he told her it was going to be official between me and him so he wanted to stop the contact with her. Their contact stopped 2 months priar to me moving here.

I also found 2 fake profiles, where he sended nudes from different girls to so it wouldn't be in his phone anymore. He did that when we started moving in together. Not just any nudes, but nudes of girls he knew and girls from his neighboorhood. To hide it he send it to his fake account so I wouldnt see it in his phone

A year later I found another fake profile he created, this time a woman's profile so he could talk to girls. Not sexual, ive read all the convo's but he did it because he was bored - as he says. He works nightshifts and doesn't have anything to do.

In this time when I was digging deep I also found out he hacked one of his old neighboorhood friends her profile. I know her personally and went crazy cause she is married and has kids. I told him how disrespectful this is as this is her private profile that could hold info that is not for his eyes to see. He begged me to stay with him and he just did it in his work hours cause he was bored. (He works as security in a large industrial business)

Me, the stupid 24 year old, stayed with him. We had good times too.

Since then, everything changed. I couldnt trust anymore, I didnt find him attractive anymore and I just always have / had my guard up.

He has a porn addiction too and yesterday I found out he made an account on OnlyFans. He didnt pay for anything and didnt follow anyone, but I am just completely done.

I love him but I cant take this anymore. I want to choose for myself. All the fake profiles are in the past, but his porn addiction is still here. And it makes me feel unworthy and stressed out. This account was the last drop for me.

I am doing the right thing for leaving him, right?

OP posts:
sobercuriouskind · 01/02/2023 23:49

Yes 100%

KnackeredHag · 01/02/2023 23:50

Quite probably yes. 100 times over. Sorry.

BabyOnBoard90 · 01/02/2023 23:53

Porn addiction I don't think is a great reason, but everything else makes sense. YANBU to end it

Original poster
Littlepotatoo · 01/02/2023 23:55

I feel a bit stupid cause I should have left when those things came to the surface. I feel like right now I dont have enough reason to leave cause those problems were from the past. People around me are telling me it's normal that a man is watching porn and that I shouldnt exaggerate. I just feel like it's the last drop for me

OP posts:
QuantifiedSpecific · 01/02/2023 23:57

No, stay with him, he sounds brilliant and exactly who you should spend your LIFE with.

TBH you can divorce him for having crap clothes and funny teeth. You don’t actually need a reason at all.

QuantifiedSpecific · 01/02/2023 23:58

Littlepotatoo · 01/02/2023 23:55

I feel a bit stupid cause I should have left when those things came to the surface. I feel like right now I dont have enough reason to leave cause those problems were from the past. People around me are telling me it's normal that a man is watching porn and that I shouldnt exaggerate. I just feel like it's the last drop for me

Bin those people too.

m and aside from their nonsense notions about porn, YOU are not happy with it and you should only have people in your life who want the best for you. They are not it.

Tilllly · 01/02/2023 23:59

Run. Far and fast.
This man will bring nothing but misery

You're young, go out and build a new life where you're happy - because this isn't it

Original poster
Littlepotatoo · 02/02/2023 00:01

I mean you are absolutely true and when I read back my own post I think im insane for staying with him everytime. Fun part is that he has good sides too which makes you want to forgive the horrible things he has done. I have always stood up for myself in this life but I dont know why I can't within this relationship. I know I am not happy and I know things are not looking good

OP posts:
WhyCantYourPartnerDoIt · 02/02/2023 00:02

His “porn addiction” is the least of your fucking problems.

Original poster
Littlepotatoo · 02/02/2023 00:04

Thank you all for the comments by the way, eventhough the things he did are a couple years ago, I just cant seem to forget and it makes me shut off completely. I guess a divorce is the only way

OP posts:
Gremlinsateit · 02/02/2023 00:04

You don’t need a reason, but you have more than enough reasons there! Ugh! Run while you can.

greenspaces4peace · 02/02/2023 00:04

no one needs an excuse to divorce anyone.
porn/chewing with his mouth open/leaving his gitch on the floor or leaving jizz stains on the glass shower stall.
if the two of you are not a great pair divorce is better than abuse and misery.

DrDinosaur · 02/02/2023 00:06

You don’t have to tolerate anything you don’t like.
And not all men watch porn.
My husband knows I would definitely divorce him if I found he was watching it.

Anon132 · 02/02/2023 00:10

It's up to you how you feel about him watching porn and if this is something you are comfortable with or is a deal breaker for you. Some people are accepting of it, some are not, it really is based on the individual. If watching porn also comes with lies and secrets around it then I would really consider the quality of your relationship. In all honesty he doesn't sound that great from your previous experiences then alongside this, it sounds like there will always be a something.

2013isback · 02/02/2023 00:37

Not sure how loosely you're using the term "porn addiction", but a genuine addiction of any kind, if untreated, tends to grow and take over a person's life - and the lives of the people closest to the addict. And it doesn't matter how much the person loves you, they'll still hurt you if that's the way to get what they want. I wouldn't assume your life with him in five years will be the same as or better than it is now. It would be a gamble to stay even if he's determined to get treatment and is able to stick with it.

Apart from that, you said you distrust him and have your guard up all the time (no way to live, IMO). Do you feel you can regain the trust? It would be a LOT of work for both of you and require honesty and openness he may not be capable of. You say the other things like the women and the hacking are in the past, but you didn't know about them when they first happened, and he went out of his way to hide them. How can you be sure they're over for good?

As far as not leaving before - no one has a time machine. In five years you'll be five years older; do you want to be in this current trajectory or somewhere else? If there's no trust and no attraction, why?

BicycleLoaf · 02/02/2023 02:05

I have read that porn addiction can leave the partner of the addict with symptoms similar to those of PTSD. It's a heart breaking thing to deal with, those who haven't been with a porn addict wouldn't understand. You would not be unreasonable to leave him.

WalkthisWayUK · 02/02/2023 02:12

Definitely I would say YANBU to leave someone because of a porn addiction. For those saying porn is the least problem, don’t really still get how abusive it is to watch porn - most women are vulnerable and the industry is horrific. Would we be okay with our partners watching animals being harmed?

It’s a similar attitude he has to other women isn’t it, he’s become immune to the fact that they are people. And he doesn’t care if it hurts you either. I’d run for the hills.

mathanxiety · 02/02/2023 02:15

Of course it's OK.

File the necessary papers and move on with your life

The relationship was doomed from the start. Too much, too soon, too little time to get to know this man. The porn is the cherry on the top.

SpareHeirOverThere · 02/02/2023 02:41

You can leave him because you don't like his choice in socks. Any reason. No reason. And you do not need to justify yourself to anyone. File for divorce.

You are an independent, adult woman and this is your life. You call the shots.

Every person - literally even the worst person you can think of - has 'good sides'. They are irrelevant if the bad is not something you want to live with.

DivorcingEU · 02/02/2023 03:23

You can file for divorce for any reason.

Don't delay.

Don't spend your time trying to figure out why this relationship has immobilised you. You can do that when you're free if him, if you still want. It's a waste of time now.

Everybody has nice sides, at least sometimes. Everybody. Everybody also has bad sides. The thing about the bad sides is there comes a point where no amount of good sides can make up for them. Not really.

Get reading up online about how to divorce where you are. Don't discuss it with anybody, and clear your browsing history. Then go to a lawyer/whoever and get it done. Seriously. Contact one today. This is just a waste of your life.

thirtysixpercent · 02/02/2023 04:50

I was with someone who had a porn addiction and it was soul destroying. It was just the porn but the lies he told to cover it up. If I could speak to my younger self, I'd tell her that she should have never got involved!

Backstreets · 02/02/2023 05:58

You're young, he's an arsehole, ltb and find better. As you've moved countries for him I can understand it's daunting but life is long and it's worth it.

Naunet · 03/02/2023 09:50

Littlepotatoo · 01/02/2023 23:55

I feel a bit stupid cause I should have left when those things came to the surface. I feel like right now I dont have enough reason to leave cause those problems were from the past. People around me are telling me it's normal that a man is watching porn and that I shouldnt exaggerate. I just feel like it's the last drop for me

Do they think it’s normal for a man to cheat and hack ther women’s profiles too, and therefore women just need to shut up and accept it with a smile?! Fuck that noise. Get out OP, he’s a creep.

Octopusmittens · 03/02/2023 09:51

BabyOnBoard90 · 01/02/2023 23:53

Porn addiction I don't think is a great reason, but everything else makes sense. YANBU to end it

Don’t be ridiculous it’s a very good reason.

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/02/2023 09:55

Octopusmittens · 03/02/2023 09:51

Don’t be ridiculous it’s a very good reason.

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In your opinion? Fair