Meeting someone when you're older?

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 01/02/2023 23:37

Is 35 really 'older?' I was expecting you to be 57 when I read the thread title.

Anyway, you say you are happy single, so I'm not sure what the AIBU is? 😐

Original poster

jabbajabba1 · 01/02/2023 23:43

Older because I want to have kids... And I'm starting off single at 35..

I guess it's just I'm looking for what to say to friends as they seem more negative about my outlook.

So maybe I am being unreasonable and should think it might not happen for me?

OP posts:

Newdawnfreedom · 02/02/2023 00:23

This may sound negative so apologies in advance but be careful. There is such pressure at this stage of life for women. It can make you more susceptible to lovebombing, future faking and less likely to spot red flags. Narcissists often trap women into relationships through pregnancy.

It's not straightforward and easy to say take your time when you don't feel like you have it. Just be aware.

bogbabe · 02/02/2023 00:43

35 is an awesome age to be. Enjoy it.

TightPants · 02/02/2023 00:47

OP, I split with a long term partner at 36, moved away, met someone (we were very on/off tbh and no longer together) but I found myself pregnant at 43 and now have a 10 year old!
Anything is possible.

Suprima · 02/02/2023 00:48

I would just be telling them that “i won’t be settling, and if i meet someone wonderful- amazing…but if not, I’ll be building a great life for myself”

good on you for getting out of the shit relationship and NOT settling

JudgeRudy · 02/02/2023 01:09

jabbajabba1 · 01/02/2023 23:33

So 35, recently single. Feeling okay about it. As I'd rather be on my own that what I was in.
BUT some of my friends are so worried for me; 'Don't you want kids?' 'It's a scary age to meet someone now!'

And yes, I feel all of that. So does anyone have some positive stories? Or advice on what to say back to this?

I don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. And these comments make me feel like shit.

My first response when reading your post was 'so at 35 you think you're an older woman'!
I do appreciate though that at 35 you probably do need to 'declare' what your looking for in terms of a relationship, particularly if it's to get married and have a family. I'm not implying that your desperate for someone to father your children but that will certainly factor. You don't want to waste time on men not looking for similar.
On the plus side you've not got kids in tow....but he might. Alternatively if he's got to his 40s without kids maybe he doesn't want them.
Dating will be just as problematic as exciting at 35 as 30, 40 or 70. You'll find your way.

KimberleyClark · 02/02/2023 04:01

OP what is more important to you - to meet someone decent or have children? Because you may not be able to have both.

Summer2424 · 02/02/2023 04:23

Hi @jabbajabba1 I split up with my boyfriend at 36, i met my now husband at 40 and had my first baby at 41.
You will get there, sending you positive vibes xx

DifficultBloodyWoman · 02/02/2023 06:09

Met DH at 37.
Married at 39.
Baby at 43. (after multiple miscarriages)

We met at a shared activity group.

ItsHitTheFanNow · 02/02/2023 06:31

Suprima · 02/02/2023 00:48

I would just be telling them that “i won’t be settling, and if i meet someone wonderful- amazing…but if not, I’ll be building a great life for myself”

good on you for getting out of the shit relationship and NOT settling

This is great advice.

lowclouds · 02/02/2023 06:39

It's a lot of pressure if you want kids and I guess you have to go into the dating scene being quite picky/ selective and up front with people about what you want.

However, it's definitely possible :)

My SIL is pregnant at 42 and it's all going really well (I know she's just one story, but it's still one story!) - she met her partner at 38.

You do have time, just keep going and keep your body and mind as healthy as you can.

lowclouds · 02/02/2023 06:41

As for what to say to friends... 'mind your own business'? It's not really anything to do with them.

PortiasBiscuit · 02/02/2023 06:44

Met DH three weeks before 35th birthday, married at 37, first DD at 39, second at 41.
Loads of time.. and there’s more to life than having babies anyway!

namechangealerttt · 02/02/2023 06:47

If you really want kids as a priority, look into doing it alone. I have friends that at a certain age, got pregnant with the man that was there at the time and now they are tied to them for life. Men that in some cases have provided little to no financial support, and questionable parenting skills. One friend I look at what it has cost her, and an upfront cost of a commercial sperm donor would have been more economical in the long run, with no drama.

Ripasso · 02/02/2023 07:10

I met my now husband when I was 35 - now 44 with a 5 and 4 year old. We did need ivf for my eldest and my youngest was a happy surprise. You are not too old but I said to my husband after 6 months dating I wanted children and if he didn’t I’d have to find someone who did.

Mummadeze · 02/02/2023 07:16

I haven’t been in this situation but if I was I think I would definitely date a lot of people and quickly weed out time wasters. Plenty of women have babies in their 40s now though so hopefully you will find a good potential partner soon.

Oysterbabe · 02/02/2023 07:19

PortiasBiscuit · 02/02/2023 06:44

Met DH three weeks before 35th birthday, married at 37, first DD at 39, second at 41.
Loads of time.. and there’s more to life than having babies anyway!

She doesn't have 'loads of time'.

I guess you might not be ready to launch into another big relationship straightaway, so take a bit of time. But then I think you need to be actively trying to meet someone, declaring marriage and kids is what you want early doors and don't entertain any time wasters. When I found myself single at 30 I went on about 50 dates in a year until I met the right one.

horriblechristmas2022 · 02/02/2023 07:19

@jabbajabba1 sometimes I used to find that my smug married friends seemed to enjoy the drama about being single and it made them feel better about themselves and their relationships to patronise me
However 35 really isnt too old and I know plenty of people who it has worked out for 😊

theDudesmummy · 02/02/2023 07:23

I got divorced at 40 after a 17 year marriage, and met DH the same year. I didnt do internet dating or anything but was sure to just get out there, go everywhere i was invited to and keep my eyes open! Remarried at 41, had DS at 45.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 02/02/2023 10:05

horriblechristmas2022 · 02/02/2023 07:19

@jabbajabba1 sometimes I used to find that my smug married friends seemed to enjoy the drama about being single and it made them feel better about themselves and their relationships to patronise me
However 35 really isnt too old and I know plenty of people who it has worked out for 😊

A very loud ‘YES’ to this! I found that too.

Newdawnfreedom · 02/02/2023 14:13

namechangealerttt · 02/02/2023 06:47

If you really want kids as a priority, look into doing it alone. I have friends that at a certain age, got pregnant with the man that was there at the time and now they are tied to them for life. Men that in some cases have provided little to no financial support, and questionable parenting skills. One friend I look at what it has cost her, and an upfront cost of a commercial sperm donor would have been more economical in the long run, with no drama.

Agree with this entirely