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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling judged for accepting support by people who ' did it all alone with no help '

32 replies

judgementpants · 01/02/2023 09:17

I have very young children and it's generally quite difficult, as it is for everyone.

I have a supportive family who help me when I reach out for help.

My sis in law's kids are a bit older now and she is the type of warrior mum who does everything alone and is very possessive over her kids. ( doesn't want them staying anywhere without her etc ). She's a stay at home mum. Always has a smile on her face and is just an amazing human being.

I'm a struggling mum. I don't complain or whinge about it. But I do accept help from my mum. She helps as much as she can and comes to stay with me every 3-4 or so months for a couple of weeks.

My mum also offers the same help to my sis in law and did help out a fair bit when asked to, but sis in law doesn't need it / didn't want it / wasn't as comfortable with it I guess, so she probably had/ has less help from her. She also had / has less help from her own mum. My mum helps me much more than my sis in laws mum helps/ helps her.

Anyway, whenever we talk about stuff, she ( and my bro ) now love to point out how THEY did /do everything on their own with NO help. They somehow always bring it into conversation that they have it so tough and no one helps them. I've also heard through the grape vine that they think I'm a bit extra for accepting help / asking for help / not coping without help.

I do cope without help a lot of the time, but if I can get help and I'm happy to get it, why does that make me a worse mother ? I don't mind my kids going to their grand parents ( in laws ). Even if they do things slightly differently to me with them occasionally, I'm not that precious about every detail that happens when the kids are not with me. I also think it's good for them to get used to being around other people. I know part of the reason why my bro and sis in law don't ask for much help, is that they're quite insular and possessive over their kids and want everything done just exactly how they like it and don't want to give up that control. That's my impression anyway.

Also if they want help so desperately, why not ask for it ? I understand some people find it difficult to do that, but why blame me / bad mouth me for having the ability to ask for help and accept it ?

I'm not some celebrity who has a million nannies running around for me and I do nothing for my kids. I just accept my mum coming to visit for a couple of weeks every few months.

OP posts:
Moonlightsonatas · 01/02/2023 09:19

Some people like to be martyrs, if the situation works for you then ignore your SIL.

SavoirFlair · 01/02/2023 09:20

These people are to be ignored - please try and ignore them.

I can’t stand the crabs in a barrel, race to the bottom mentality in the UK.

when I was working in Singapore and India, it would be the complete other way round - everyone does everything with support, family or hired.

YANBU. If they wanted support, they could have asked for it. Or paid for it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/02/2023 09:21

People who are so judgemental are rarely hiding perfect.

Your children are seeing love and support. They are learning how to manage different ways of doing things which is a life skill it's much harder to grasp when you're older.

You are a great Mum.

RudsyFarmer · 01/02/2023 09:24

My answer will depend on whether it was always accepted you had priority when it came to childcare so she just stepped back.

that was the case with my family. My sister had priority as my mother had a special relationship with her children so as I was able to get on with it all myself, I just got on with it all myself.

WelshNerd · 01/02/2023 09:25

I'm inferring that you work and you're a single mum so not really comparing like for like?

Rainbowclimbinghigh · 01/02/2023 09:30

RudsyFarmer · 01/02/2023 09:24

My answer will depend on whether it was always accepted you had priority when it came to childcare so she just stepped back.

that was the case with my family. My sister had priority as my mother had a special relationship with her children so as I was able to get on with it all myself, I just got on with it all myself.

This. We're similar to your SIL in that we generally "just get on with it", but that's because my own DM is dead and father is an alcoholic and PIL prioritise BIL's DC and also have other demands so we don't often want to add to their load.

Rainbowclimbinghigh · 01/02/2023 09:31

And tbh, I do very much judge BIL, but that is mainly because he is a complete man-child who never takes personal responsibility 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
judgementpants · 01/02/2023 09:32

RudsyFarmer · 01/02/2023 09:24

My answer will depend on whether it was always accepted you had priority when it came to childcare so she just stepped back.

that was the case with my family. My sister had priority as my mother had a special relationship with her children so as I was able to get on with it all myself, I just got on with it all myself.

No I don't take any kind of priority at all. Also their kids are older now, so when they were small and needed lots of help, I didn't even have kids or need any help if that makes sense. Also geography means that my mum is in a better position to help them day to day anyway.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 01/02/2023 09:36

That being the case then they’re just being sanctimonious arseholes. Enjoying having a sense of superiority over you as you need or have at least chosen to access help when they didn’t. Just nod and smile. They’ll find something new to criticise you for in due course.

While writing that I did wonder whether your mum might have said something to them? You don’t think she’s had a moan and so they’ve decided to get passive aggressive towards you?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/02/2023 09:37

I'm a struggling mum. I don't complain or whinge about it. But I do accept help from my mum. She helps as much as she can and comes to stay with me every 3-4 or so months for a couple of weeks

I can only presume by this your are a single mum? a bit different for your sil who has your bro so i dont think its comparable.

Beamur · 01/02/2023 09:41

You're a single parent, their kids have 2 parents on hand. It's not comparable.
If your SIL didn't have her husband's time/income I suspect she'd be finding it a bit harder too.
Ignore them and it's lovely that you and your Mum can do this. Gives you a bit of help and time with the kids.
Martyr medals aren't worth having.

GloomyDarkness · 01/02/2023 09:41

Perhaps it's some resentment that no-one did offer to help them?

We've done everything alone because there was no help on offer and that did impact my career and work - it's fine and I thought that would be the case and I love being with the kids but I've then also had a lot of criticism by family for not manging to keep my career going and and having people pointed out to me who did usually with family help.

Could also be an agenda she has - MIL forgot help she had - minimised amount of work young kids were and then when they ours were teens started going on about strangers she saw and how much work fewer and more spaced children how hard for those poor mothers. It was just a way to minimise my role in the family. So I'm wonder if there could be some family politics in there.

Either way - just find a way to shut down and ignore - it doesn't really matter what she thinks or says as she's not providing the support and the kids needs are more important than anything else.

newfriend05 · 01/02/2023 09:44

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/02/2023 09:21

People who are so judgemental are rarely hiding perfect.

Your children are seeing love and support. They are learning how to manage different ways of doing things which is a life skill it's much harder to grasp when you're older.

You are a great Mum.

Love this

foghead · 01/02/2023 09:47

Ignore them. As long as you're not taking advantage, then carry on.
It's lovely when grandparents have a good relationship with grandkids. If nothing else, everyone benefits from that positive family connection.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/02/2023 09:47

Ugh I hate this kind of person. They expect a medal for doing stuff like it’s a massive deal, yet have no empathy or understanding that others might not be able to do the same - for any reason.

op you take whatever help you need and are offered. I’m sure your mom is happy she can support you. Needing help doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.

35965a · 01/02/2023 09:50

I can see where other posters are coming from, but sometimes it is a bit of a kick in the shins when your sibling seems to get offered way more help than you do/did or you see them taking the piss. Now I don’t know if that’s the case with you at all, but not everyone is being a martyr.

MyFridgeIsRed · 01/02/2023 09:53

We are one of those families that has "done it all ourselves", but honestly not through choice.
I would love to be in the situation where my mum comes to stay and helps out every few months, I think it's great that she's able to do that for you.
On the flip side, sometimes when we're in the thick of it and it feels like we don't have time to breathe, it gives me a sense of pride that everything we have and everything we do is solely down to us. It helps me get through times that feel impossible. I admit its a sort of martyr mentality, but that's what gets me through. So perhaps your DB and SIL have a similar way of thinking and sometimes it slips out.
If they're fully judging you and putting down your parenting that's shitty behaviour from them, and probably a bit of jealousy.
You carry on as you are, don't let anybody judge you, you're doing what works for you and your family and your children are being shown that love and care comes from more than just a parent.

CrocodileShoooooesCrocodileShoes · 01/02/2023 09:54

They have another person on hand 24/7, even having another parent on the end of the phone to whinge to, or someone to pop to the shops without having to worry about the kids, or to hand them over while you have half an hour in the bath makes a massive difference.

You (I assume) are a single parent so you don't have that, you have the mental load constantly so it's bloody great that your mum takes the pressure off a bit 3 or 4 times a year.

lifeinthehills · 01/02/2023 09:58

It takes more strength to accept help if you need it than admit you need it sometimes. So good on you for knowing you'd benefit from help.

I've always been on of those independent, don't need help from anyone types. Some of it is personality, how I experienced motherhood (never felt I needed help), and being used to having to fend for myself from very young. I probably am strong but I also find it extremely hard to ask for help anyway (not necessarily a positive).

Ignore anyone who criticises. We all have different strengths and needs, and some are just better at accepting help than others.

FourFour · 01/02/2023 09:58

I posted a thread not too long ago about thinking of getting help and wasn't sure because I felt guilty for it. MN helped me so much! I'm a few weeks on now of having a FT housekeeper/nanny who comes in every day for the entire day and makes my life SO much easier. I'm a sahm too so I felt even guiltier. But this has nothing to do with anyone else and if it makes me a better mother overall because I'm not sleep deprived, always irritable and stressed then so be it and I could care less what anyone thinks.
If you have help, take it op. More fool your SIL for running herself ragged when she didn't need to.

WinterFoxes · 01/02/2023 09:59

When they say they had no help, just say, but mum did offer to help you. Tell them you enjoy having support. It makes mothering more relaxing, the children have a great bond with grandparents and you know you'll return the compliment when mum is old and frail.

I believe in living in a community not a vaccuum. There's no shame in that. The opposite - it is the healthiest and most humane way to live. Children thrive in families that are close and supportive.

Pantheon · 01/02/2023 10:01

Take the help. Ignore the comments. Maybe have a set phrase to use when they bring it up. We are all better mums for having support.

Scienceadvisory · 01/02/2023 10:07

Are you a single parent or do you/your children have any health problems? If not, I can see where your brother and sil are coming from. It's a bit unusual to have another adult move in for around 2 months of the year because you aren't coping.

ItsNotReallyChaos · 01/02/2023 10:07

Ignore ignore ignore!

Completely unsolicited an old friend who I didn't see very often phoned me up to tell me she 'had been thinking about my situation' and that I shouldn't have a second child because I'd been so heavily reliant on support with my first. She was referring to the fact that my parents had come to stay a few times in DD's first year which was something my parents and I had prearranged as they had been disappointed not to spend much time with their other grandchildren when they were young. Yes, it had been great having them around and it was nice support for me but it didn't mean I wouldn't cope without them.

When people say this shit I tend to think they're jealous of the lovely relationship they can see developing between the grandparents and child.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 01/02/2023 10:16

I was kind of a bit like this when my kids were young. We both worked full time and had two 17 months apart and it was rough as we had no family anywhere near to help. It be made sort of like a badge of honour Doing it all ourselves. We were also secretly very jealous of people that had family help and I guess we became slightly sort of defensive about our situation.
We probably mentioned it a bit too much but we didn't bang on about it at every opportunity. ( and if someone had offered us help we would probably have been pretty quick to accept it!)
Just ignore them. There are no prizes for having 'done it all' I can tell you! Take the help that's offered and try to enjoy it is my advice!

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