Partner calls me negative AIBU

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My longterm partner has said on a few occasions that I am very negative and it hurts my feelings. I have got to the point for many different reasons where I feel I just take things as is and don't make plans /hopes for the future because a very long like of things just end in disappointment. So I think I've shut my self off a bit, no point looking to the future and dreaming about all the things I want to do... it doesn't happen and I get upset. I just try and not think about these future things/ plans anymore. I know this DOES sound very negative of me but I have had financial problems, failed pregnancies, job disappointments, I don't really have any friends so never go out, holiday plans never materialise so basically I've just stopped putting my hopes and dreams out there and don't let my self think about these things. My partner has mentioned a few times now how negative I am. This really upsets me because sometimes I think if he was more supportive and aware then I probably wouldn't feel so glum. Am I just being a drain? Do I just need to man up?

It’s not a waste of money to have nice things that make you happy or comfortable or give you joy. As long as you can afford it there’s nothing wrong with buying things you like!

Well if you wont book the holiday because your partner isnt enthusiastic enough... and you wont go on holiday by yourself, your only other option is to accept these are your choices and yoire choosing all of this.

If you wont book/complete anything to look forward to because you say theres no point looking forward to anything, then theres your answer. Yes you are being extremely negative and there seems to be no pleasing you.

You do sound very negative tbf.

Are you sure your partner is right for you? He certainly seems to pull you back rather than help you move forward. In any event, you clearly are not in the right place to have a child, so you should really make sure you don't get pregnant until you feel better.

Why are you no longer on antidepressants and/or undergoing counselling? I think you really need both to try and get out of this hole.

But you should also make some plans that are both practical and realistic to give your life more meaning and some joy. What do you enjoy doing and why aren't you doing it? How could you improve your life in purely practical ways? Is there anything that interests you that would enhance your job prospects? Have you tried Meetup events to try and interact with people who might share your interests?

At the end of the day you have to accept that nothing will change unless YOU take the initiative 💐

@FlowerArranger no I think the ship has sailed on pregnancy so I won't be getting pregnant.

I tried lots of antidepressants but none suited me. I had various counselling over the years, I could look into more counselling. I guess I just found the way to not let things upset me was to just stop thinking about the things I am disappointed with. Hence the not really looking to the future thing, but then my partner thinks I am negative. Which it hurt me because I think I am the one who would be making plans and thinking about things and he would be the one without enthusiasm. If I speak to him about it he closes down and "its just the way he is". But now I am negative?

It's been useful to post this though because I am clearly more negative than I actually realised 😂

OP I think its understandable that you feel this way but being around someone who has no sense of optimism and always sees the worst outcome in any situation is extremely draining.

It may not be "fair" and it may be difficult to fake optimism and happiness where you don't feel it but I do think if you're a naturally negative person there is a responsibility to be aware that it can be very difficult for others to be around. You're entitled to your worldview (as is he) and you shouldn't have to constantly put the most positive gloss on everything, but being told constantly by someone that something will never happen, that the worst possible outcome will always come to pass etc sucks the joy out of life.

As a PP said you also seem very passive and you don't seem to have any sense of agency in your own life: why should it be up to others to manifest these things you hope for? I know it's difficult if you have struggled with depression and anxiety but I think you could work a bit more on taking control of your own life and being less reliant on others.

Are you sure your partner is right for you? He certainly seems to pull you back rather than help you move forward

I think this sounds abit unfair. The partner is probably worn down with the relentlessness of the situation.

I'm sure his version of events would sound very different.

Have you thought about splitting up OP? Setting yourselves both free of this vicious cycle of being completely stagnant in life.

He might not want to go on holiday in case you're disappointed when you get there, as you say you are in everything.

It sounds like a tough situation for both of you, but you really can't go on like this. It will destroy you both.

To be clear I don't share these views with him. He doesn't say shall we go and do this and I say what's the point. Or when we had gone away id never say this is disappointing, because actually that's never happened. These are the thoughts that I keep to myself, maybe my demeanour had changed but I try to not say anything negative because I'm already aware he thinks I'm negative. Does that make sense?

Kindly, you do sound a bit negative. That might be understandable given your experiences, but it can be really difficult living with someone who always has a negative slant on everything. DH goes through down periods, and it's sole destroying sometimes, literally can put a negative spin on everything. When you are trying to keep morale high, and make things better, and someone is just raining on your parade at every turn that negativity becomes depressing and infectious. That's not an environment I want for me or my children.

I also wonder if it's a good way for you to live? Sounds like maybe you'd like to break the negative narrative? If so, perhaps consider what you can do, what help you need, and if your partner is contributing to the negativity rather than helping it what you can do about that (tell him, couples therapy, let him go, etc). If you are in some weird negative spiral together thatof course won't help either of you.

I’ve been there OP and found it best to look for ‘small’ joys and enjoy and be grateful for them - I still do - today is snowdrops - no rain and technology 👍🏿☘️

Your posts do all sound negative. So it's how can you bit by but chip away at the issues to turn them positive. If you can't even nail down a holiday for you both then maybe you're not compatible. But I did pick up on your enthusiasm when searching 100s of hotels.....this could be a problem as I know someone who does this when looking for a holiday and the rest of the family are put off by her because its far too intense. Maybe go for a more simple approach of finding 1 or 2 options, pick, book. Keep it simple.

Do something today that is achievable and will definitely make you feel better. Do you like the sea? I always find being by the sea incredibly good for my mood. If that's true for you too, go on AirBNB, search for any cheap seaside cottage (won't be too much right now with the time of year) book yourself in for Friday night and just GO.

Ask partner of course but if he doesn't want to go, or is like "what?!", just say fine and go without him. Take some good books/DVDs, some tough boots, stop at the supermarket on the way and buy all your favourite foods.

Go for long walks on the beach. Read, take long baths, enjoy the beauty of the area. None of this needs anyone else. Enjoy playing whatever music makes you happy out loud in the empty cottage. Sounds better than another plodding weekend at home feeling glum, doesn't it? OK it's not an exciting foreign holiday with a group, but it's something different and nice you've done FOR YOURSELF. It may help build you up to something else that you would like!

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the root of this is losing your baby and giving up on having children. I'm so sorry as I know that must be incredibly painful and is probably still colouring your view of things a lot. Did your partner share your sadness at your loss(es) and your eventual decision that it wasn't going to happen? Or was he more indifferent? It could be you have a lot to unpick here, both personally and as a couple - maybe he wants to move on from that part of your lives but subconsciously you're still having trouble letting go? I don't know but I do think what shines out from your posts is how much this has affected you and you should honour that, be kind to yourself and try to find a way through it.

But seriously, book that AirBNB. Do it now. What have you got to lose?

Jumping on for the suggestions as I’m in a negative phase atm. Hope you manage to find some sort of advice.

It sounds as if you've gone through such a lot, are you still speaking to a therapist? I used to find myself getting stuck in a negative circle on occasion and it can be really hard to drag yourself out of it, but what I realised is that I can't hang around waiting for things to happen to make me feel happy/positive/living, I have to create these opportunities. How is your support network other than your partner? Friends/family?

I echo what a PP said and find small achievable goals, you've got some new clothes? Then go out for lunch/dinner and show them off! Book a spa day, afternoon tea, night away on your own if you have to but start making your own things to look forward to.