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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About people being 'hands-on' with my children?

10 replies

Flllightattendant · 07/02/2008 04:50

I've got a newish friend, she is a good friend and we get on well, though she is highly sociable and always off at toddler groups etc, has a huge family of half sisters etc who are always at each other's houses and sharing childcare(she is pretty much single - her children's father only visits most weekends, he lives a long way away).
We often see each other at the school gates, our older kids are oth in reception. She always talks to my sons and is lovely to them, but is a bit familiar, and I'm not sure if I like it. I don't really understand it either.
For instance, when the gate opens, if I am carrying the baby - or even if I'm not - she will often grab the pushchair and push it into the school for me, which I don't need her to do - she is just being kind, I know - but also yesterday, when my son came out of his calssroom, she dived in and pifted him up, to cuddle and kiss, before I even got a look in. I was not holding the baby at this point, specifically so that I could cuddle Ds1 when he appeared.
It just felt a bit over the top to me - I didn't say anything except a feeble, half joking 'Hey, that's my child!' with a smile, but eventually got him back. He just looked a bit bemused.
I know her style is very much 'what's mine is yours' as she is like this with other people's children too, but I somehow don't feel comfortable to share my kids quite so readily. Not all the time at least. She also kisses each of mine goodbye when we go, so I feel I have to do this to hers as well. (not a big problem, they are lovely)

Is she a bit odd or is this usual behaviour? It is lovely in some ways and I know she'd help out at the drop of a hat - I am less able to return that kind of favour as I need a lot of time on my own, so I don't accept her offers of childcare, and give her regular lifts instead, very happily. She invites me to toddler groups but I honestly hate them and explained this to her - I think she understands, sort of! We still get on really well and I feel close to her but I like to keep a few, well boundaries - is this me being funny?

TIA!

OP posts:
Flllightattendant · 07/02/2008 04:54

Sorry for the typos, I think they are interpretable...

Just to add that I think it is about my feeling rather disenfranchised as a parent, when someone else is pushing my buggy! I knid of struggle to go out at all and at least if I have the buggy I feel I have a purpose, but when I am just walking alongside it, as though it is her who is the mother and I am not, it feels strange and I am embarrassed.

Perhaps I am the odd one.

OP posts:
2sugarsagain · 07/02/2008 05:04

I was okay with all of this, till the bit when you said she grabbed your ds before you had the chance to.

I don't think it's odd, but I don't think it's usual behaviour either. My best friend is also like that with my dds, to the extent they get really excited about seeing her. Having said that, it puts me in a position where I feel I have to go OTT with her dd, which isn't my natural inclination.

I think you have to put it down to different folks/different strokes - I too feel it's lovely in some ways but know where you're coming from. If she's a valuable friend in other ways I'd just put it down to her being her.

Flllightattendant · 07/02/2008 05:13

Thanks, 2sugars - I'm glad it's not just me!

Yes, she's great fun to talk to, we are similar in some ways, have stuff in common, and I quite admire her involved attitude and wish I was as laid back. Well maybe not quite so laid back but yswim!

I will talk to ds about it and explain she means well, see what he says about it. Only need to step in if it upsets him I suppose!

OP posts:
2sugarsagain · 07/02/2008 05:21

Mark my words, a few years down the line, you'll be happy she's the one that draws butterflies/breaks up arguments with dcs, when you're all butterflied/breaking up arguments out!

seeker · 07/02/2008 05:33

Honestly, I wouldn't mention it to ds unless he's upset by it. A few extra cuddles never hurt anyone - and make no mistake - HE knows who his mum is!

It sounds as if she's an over the top srt of person - fun and brilliant to have around, but a bit exhausting!

If you need lots of time on your own, why not accept her offers of childcare? I'm sure she's be delighted in exchange for the lifts?

But don't change your style to fit in with hers - there are as many different parenting styles as there are parents. Her children might like your more reserved style as a nice change sometimes - just as yours might enjoy being part of a scrum sometimes!

Flllightattendant · 07/02/2008 05:37

Yes, that is another way to look at it!

Thanks

Don't mind being on my own with the children, just don't like to have to talk to big people a lot

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 07/02/2008 09:22

It is a bit OTT but harmless, I guess. I wouldn't want to go round covering other people or other people's kids in kisses and I consider myself quite tactile.

Watch to see what happens in a few weeks - she may not be as enthusiastic.

If you'd rather she didn't push the buggy, just tell her you can manage, thanks.

jesuswhatnext · 07/02/2008 09:43

perhaps she feels your reticence re relationships and is trying to be helpful, she sounds a good sort, who will a good friend if you need her to be, you know, if you were poorly, or needed help with childcare etc. try not to push her friendship away, these type of friends can be fwe and far between

Kitti · 11/02/2008 16:29

I find all the kissing abit strange - my friend did it when we went round to her house and it was time to leave - but only when the kids were really little - she wouldn't do it now they're older at school. It's abit OTT but I guess doesn't do any harm - not until DS1 hits 14!!!

Lauriefairycake · 11/02/2008 16:43

I would love a friend like this - if you don't want her pass her my way (all mine are a bit poker-up-arse)

Your feelings are yours and absolutely fine

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