Easter - Memorial

[JuniperDerby]

FIL passed away 2 years ago, and during covid it wasn't possible to have more than immediate family at the wake.

MIL has decided to have a 'celebration day' but the day before FIL birthday, which also 'happens to be' Easter Sunday.

Now I get having a memorial, but on Easter Sunday? That's a day where surely people want to be with their own families, and maybe not at this two years after someone passing away? 😳 it's a hall hire event, from 2pm-6pm too, right in the middle of when people might have other plans.

For my DH, it's giving him huge anxiety, feeling of not wanting to go and this might sound selfish, but he'd have to travel over for this, and then not be with me, my kids and our grandkids - we've been married for 8 years and MIL has been such a nightmare I broke off speaking to her last year, she's quite abusive and nasty. Since then, I sent a 'let's move forward' message at New Year which she totally ignored, so it wouldn't even include us, who are DH family now - she wouldn't speak to him for a year after his father passed, even when he was suicidal as she said she just needed to look after herself. There's been a history of nasty behaviour, racism, evil comments, abusive treatment of him over the years and then towards me

Is it reasonable for DH to not go to this, or should he put it all aside to remember his father? He's not had much chance to process and grieve, she's refused to have a resting place or even a plaque for FIL, she said that can wait until she passes and he can go on her plaque.

If it were up to me, we just wouldn't ever have anything to do with someone so toxic ever again.

Yes - he should go?
No - he shouldn't?

Well, in many families, I can see that your "That's a day where surely people want to be with their own families" is exactly what is being done - getting the family together.
So it seems quite sensible to me, if guests aren't practising Christians.

The difficult relationship though puts a different light on it, but if my dh were grieving his father, and was probably struggling with the fact there hasn't been that societal norm of family and friends coming together, then I would be supporting him all the way to do what he needs to do, and I wouldn't give a moment's thought to the fact it might not be the way I wanted to spend my Easter Sunday.

Obviously - you are talking about a broken relationship with your MiL, a relatively new marriage (so I am making the leap your grandchildren aren't his ? - so your dc and gdc aren't grieving a grandparent / GGP ?).
You are talking about your dh being suicidal
You are talking about "a history of nasty behaviour, racism, evil comments, abusive treatment of him over the years and then towards me".

All of that is much deeper than anyone can second guess on the internet.

I just think the right thing is to support your dh to do whatever it is he feels he needs, or even wants to do, and not try and pressurise him to choose you, over his mother and the rest of his family, at a time like this.

I agree with PP.

Let him decide what he wants to do and don't put any pressure. Tell him it's ok to miss Easter with you. A memorial service is an important part of grieving, I can't imagine how it's been for your husband to be deprived of that.