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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure to travel with toddler

19 replies

OpheliaABC · 31/01/2023 16:50

My sister wants me to take a three hour flight with my daughter (who at that time will be 2 years old) to go to my niece's graduation party in another country. This is as they haven't met my youngest daughter yet, and the graduation is also kind of a big deal.

The 3 hours is not including transfers which will be:

-At least 2 hours to the airport (ONLY if I get a ride, by public transport it will take a lot longer)

  • At least 2-3 hours from the airport to where they live.

This will mean at the very least 7 hours of travelling! And the same back a week later to get home! My daughter is 19 months at the moment and wants to walk EVERYWHERE unless she's being pushed in the pushchair. I'm so worried how she will be during the journey.

I don't really want to/shouldn't spend the money at the moment either, as I'm hoping to clear a credit card debt. And I'd leave my husband and my two older children behind for a week too as we can't afford for us all to go. And I don't want to be without them for this long really, but am willing to, just this one time. 😑

I love my niece and my sister and my family but I'm absolutely dreading everything about this. I'm worried my sister won't really understand as I haven't been in my home country since 2019 (I don't really have the interest or the money, and I love where I live now, whereas my sister has money and has talked about visiting with my nieces at some point for a long time.)

If my family were a few hours away, I'd of course be there in a heartbeat.

So. Does it sound like I'm making excuses? Am I overthinking this? Should I just deal with all this and and go? Once I'm actually there I'm sure my daughter and I would have a great time.

OP posts:
Screwcorona · 31/01/2023 16:53

Nope, flights go both ways. If they're desperate to meet her and they do have the funds they will visit you.

I've got a 19 month old and 4 year old and do not travel further than a couple of hours.
I did with the first and it was a nightmare. So if you don't want to then don't.

FlounderingFruitcake · 31/01/2023 16:57

That you can’t afford it is reason enough not to go. I wouldn’t see the toddler as a hinderance on such a short flight though.

crosspusscrossstitcher · 31/01/2023 16:57

Say no.

Either you all go for a holiday or you don't. You know you can't afford for all of you to go, so tell them that.

If they really wanted to meet your youngest, they could always visit you.

crosspusscrossstitcher · 31/01/2023 16:58

I also doubt your toddler with think a strangers graduation is any kind of a big deal.

Kitkatcatflap · 31/01/2023 17:03

No way - there is the thought of a sweet, funny charming toddler tottering around the graduation and reality of sleep deprived, out of routine toddler screaming like banshee and refusing to sit still for a minute. You won't enjoy it because you won't be able to relax. Go by yourself or don't go.

Out of interest, why does a graduation trump the birth of your baby?

slowquickstep · 31/01/2023 17:15

Every day 1000s of people travel with toddlers. I travelled on my for 2 days with 2, 4 and 6 year olds, it took 5 trains, one car and one plane. They were fine and that was in the days before screens.

Heyahun · 31/01/2023 17:24

I travel like this with my daughter all the time since she was 6 months old 🤷‍♀️ I’m off to Norway with her by myself over Easter to see a friend (daughter will be 2 then)

this trip sounds pretty easy tbh - but I’d be expecting a pick up from the airport at the very least on the other side otherwise I’d probably not be up for it as I find getting to and from airports on public transport the worst parts of travel

Ponderingwindow · 31/01/2023 17:28

That you can not actually afford the trip is the reason I would decline.

the actual travel is feasible, if a bit tiring. It would be easier if the whole family were making the journey, but that would be even more costly.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/01/2023 17:43

It depends on the toddler, for those who say it’s easy, perhaps you have the kind of child that sits in the circle at a play group, for those of us with more “spirited” children it’s hell. I did a 2hr flight last year only on the guarantee of a weeks all inclusive holiday on the other side.
Its a no from me OP.

FlounderingFruitcake · 31/01/2023 18:06

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/01/2023 17:43

It depends on the toddler, for those who say it’s easy, perhaps you have the kind of child that sits in the circle at a play group, for those of us with more “spirited” children it’s hell. I did a 2hr flight last year only on the guarantee of a weeks all inclusive holiday on the other side.
Its a no from me OP.

Mine were definitely both the hate circle time spirited types! Still managed fine on flights by tiring them out in the airport then the classic combo of screens (with headphones of course) and snacks. But if I were OP I still wouldn’t go, she can’t really afford it and it’s more than a bit unfair that family haven’t been to her in 2 years but she’s expected to travel for a niece’s graduation, it’s not exactly a wedding is it?!

DaveyJonesLocker · 31/01/2023 18:13

I wouldn't. If they were that desperate to meet your baby they could have visited in the past 1.5yr

Itisbetter · 31/01/2023 18:15

Flight would be easy for me but if I couldn’t afford it I wouldn’t go.

MistyFrequencies · 31/01/2023 18:21

Ive travelled Ireland to New Zealand with my 2 kids from when they were 4 months old to the last trip when they were 4 and 6 years old. Its 48 hrs travelling my door to my parents house in NZ. Its absolutely fine. So your flight sounds fine. If you dont want to go, dont go, but you do sound like you are making excuses.

Original poster
OpheliaABC · 03/02/2023 16:10

Kitkatcatflap · 31/01/2023 17:03

No way - there is the thought of a sweet, funny charming toddler tottering around the graduation and reality of sleep deprived, out of routine toddler screaming like banshee and refusing to sit still for a minute. You won't enjoy it because you won't be able to relax. Go by yourself or don't go.

Out of interest, why does a graduation trump the birth of your baby?

Good question! I've thought the same thing. Their main reasons mentioned are work and hectic schedules, and both my nieces being competing gymnasts (I think they train most days if not every day). But they DO manage to go on holidays as a family sometimes though. I'm kind of annoyed now. Is my sister just being selfish? Why do I need to be the flexible one when I'm so worried about all these things? She tried to appeal to my emotions earlier by saying I might be the only one to go from our side of the family (we grew up with a single dad, him and my other sister are unpredictable). She also asked me how much longer I'm going to be thinking about this. Like yes ok, I can feel the pressure if that's what you wanted! I suffer from severe anxiety and this event is months away.

OP posts:
NapoliTutti · 03/02/2023 16:14

You clearly don’t want to go so don’t. It would be a headache with a 19 month old going on a trip when you actively want to go, it’ll be unbearable and infuriating dealing with this solo when you knew it was a bad idea at the start.
Just say it’s not going to be possible and set your boundaries.

Original poster
OpheliaABC · 03/02/2023 16:14

slowquickstep · 31/01/2023 17:15

Every day 1000s of people travel with toddlers. I travelled on my for 2 days with 2, 4 and 6 year olds, it took 5 trains, one car and one plane. They were fine and that was in the days before screens.

And don't I know it. I also have older twins and used to travel with them to/from this same country when they were babies. The toddler years were slightly traumatising, however. I have unrelated severe clinical anxiety that has been worsening over the years also, so maybe that's why this feels so overwhelming.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaABC · 03/02/2023 16:22

DaveyJonesLocker · 31/01/2023 18:13

I wouldn't. If they were that desperate to meet your baby they could have visited in the past 1.5yr

EXACTLY. And now that I've started to think about it this way, I kind of want to go less and less! Why do I need to be accommodating when I find this stressful and can't afford it? My nieces haven't been to see me ONCE in this country and I've lived here all my adult life. And it's not like they don't want to, there just always seems to be a reason from my sister. Mainly their hectic schedules/them being competing gymnasts.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaABC · 03/02/2023 16:45

NapoliTutti · 03/02/2023 16:14

You clearly don’t want to go so don’t. It would be a headache with a 19 month old going on a trip when you actively want to go, it’ll be unbearable and infuriating dealing with this solo when you knew it was a bad idea at the start.
Just say it’s not going to be possible and set your boundaries.

You are totally right. One more question and the reason I still feel pressure about saying no. My sister had gone ahead and told my dad and my other sister that I might be flying in for the occasion. 🤦‍♀️ So now they're all excited and it'd be a small family reunion. BUT! Both my other sister and my dad are unpredictable due to some mental health issues and might not actually turn up. Also, they will not fly to me (no passports and they are quite vulnerable) so the only way for me to ever see them is to fly in. So, I think my sister feels I'm the only reliable one and if I say yes, she feels like she can stop stressing. She appealed to my emotions earlier, how I might be the only one to make it from our family. I also don't think she understands why I haven't wanted to come home for so long. Frankly, I'm much happier here. Any one of them is welcome to fly in any time although realistically only my sister and her family can.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 03/02/2023 16:50

Just say you don’t have the money or enough annual leave to cover the trip.

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