Background - Split with ExH in July 2021. We have two boys aged 13 and 9. Ex got gf within months, kids met her after six months and then met her kids. She seemed very normal, interested it forming a relationship with my children. Just seemed to have her head screwed on. Anyway ex dumped her in December and two weeks later took the kids on a day out with his 'new friend'- we'll call her Jill, and her two kids aged 3 and 5. My children told me and while I was less than impressed at him dragging them along on a date with someone he had just met I held my tongue.
Mid January they 'bumped into' Jill and saw their dad kiss her. When they asked him about it he denied it, accused them of making it up, and then shouted at them (my 13 year told me). Gas lighting was a big feature of our marriage and a big feature in why I ended it. Anyway this weekend he had my youngest over night. It was a big deal to have a sleepover with dad and just him, he was excited for it. Turns out Jill and the kids came round, and my ex then told my youngest she was actually his gf. My youngest told me 'I think dad really just wanted me there to entertain Jill's kids'.
My oldest had a big heart to heart with me the next day. He was upset his dad told his brother about Jill but not him, upset his dad had been so angry with them when they asked him about kissing her, upset his dad never admits to being wrong and shouts at him when challenged, and upset that gf1 was dumped so quickly and then the next one was presented to them in less than two weeks. He liked gf1 and said that he didn't really know Jill and she hadn't said more than 20 words to him.
So I am pretty pissed of with my ExH and Jill for the lack of consideration and respect they show my children. Part of me wants to call him out on it, tell him he needs to be more considerate to our kids and advise him not to lie to them. If he doesn't feel comfortable with his kids seeing him kiss a virtual stranger then the answer don't do it, as opposed to doing whatever the fuck he wants and then gas lighting the kids about it.
But the other part of me feels it is not up to me to manage how he parents our children. Plus my kids feel they can talk to me and I worry that buy saying something he will shout and them and they will start hiding things from me so they don't get into trouble.
So AIBU if I say something? AIBU if I don't?