Teen drama- what to do???

[bingbangbongding]

Am I being unreasonable to not do anything in this scenario?

Hi, I'm stuck with what to advise my tween daughter.

Her and her pal are 14, they have been friends since nursery. They hang around with 2boys. They have always been a tight friend group.

Recently in the last year they've started bickering. One girl tends to sulk and cry a lot and be quite emotionally manipulative (the friend) and another explodes and can be mean (my daughter).

My daughter has ADHD (diagnosed) so she can be tempestuous and make poor decisions.

Both like one of the boys in the group (this is a new thing) and honestly, I sometimes think he plays them off against each other, although he's generally a good lad.

For about the past 6 months the friend has been trying to engineer time alone with the boy, where as before one of us mums would take the four of them on a Saturday to a hobby to give the other mums the day off. This has caused tension.

The friend has also been asking him in WhatsApp to go on 'private chat' because she 'needs to ask him something private' literally all of the time. (I check my daughters phone). My daughter is feeling a bit insecure about this as she is obviously not invited. The other boy seems oblivious.

My daughter has asked me to do the same (engineer one on one time with the lad) which I have said no to as there is an informal agreement between the mums for childcare (although I realise they are getting older now and probably won't need us anymore).

Cut to this weekend. Daughter upset. Said 'I'm sick of this, she's silky all the time, rude to me in school, keeps reminding the boys of embarrassing things I've done like not get a part in a play so I've just said I don't really want to be friends anymore'

I've had a text from this girls parents saying they've seen the message from my daughter explaining how she feels and can we sort please? That their daughter is in tears and doesn't know what she's done wrong.

I know this seems v v unimportant in the grand scheme but I'm stuck between telling my daughter that I'm proud of her for explaining how she feels and sending a direct but not mean message (which I am surprised at) and cutting it off and trying to smooth over as them falling out has big impacts on their friends group.

To be extra complicated this lad has texted my daughter telling her that he likes her. So that's going to cause issues too.

In all honesty, I’d stay out of it. Kids fall out, parents get involved, it blows over with the kids and the parents are left with an awkward situation.
Unless there is bullying or any kind of risk then I’d let them sort it out themselves. Learning to navigate this stuff is part of growing up.

As for the mum, If just say something like, looks like they’ve had a spat. I’m sure they’ll sort it out among themselves soon.

Yes I think so.

This girls parents are (IMO) a little over involved as I believe that at this age they should be sorting themselves out bar anything truly serious.

My daughter describes it as being worn down, she's wary of sitting with her friends at lunch as she feels she will be made fun of or this girl will say to the boy 'did you like that video I sent you last night' and when my daughter says 'what video' the girl will say 'never mind, it's private' . She does say that the boy always shows her anyway but it still
Makes her feel awkward.

Sounds like basically your dd "friend" is being a pickle of the highest order and considering it involves boys that are mostly after one thing.

They both should put effort into studying and their friendship, especially since how flaky people can be

I'm no help, but your daughter sounds great. Well done to her for being able to put her feelings into words.

Tell the other parents you are staying out of this. It’s a normal friend falling out and they’ll either resolve it on their own or they won’t.

They're 14 why do they need to be babysat?

Stay well out of it!

These are things they need to negotiate for themselves. I haven’t intervened in friendship disputes since they were 8. It does no one any favours to swoop in and interfere.

I’d message the other parents along the lines that ”I know teenage friendships can be complicated for them, but I’ve every confidence the teens can navigate them without parental inference.”

I would find it highly unusual that parents want to get involved if I'm honest, it's ordinary garden variety teenagers falling out, they'll all be mates again sometime soon.

As for your daughter, she's handled it very maturely and if she likes this lad the. Should go for it, the other girl isn't exactly a proper friend anyway!

I'd tell the other parents that you're not getting involved in managing your child's friendships and that as long as she's comfortable with what's she's done then you'll leave it in her hands.

Why on earth are you even getting involved in this. There is nothing that requires your input here.

I wouldn't ever get involved in my daughters friendships to the extent that the other parent has (texting you etc) Sorting this sort of stuff out for herself is a big part of functioning as an adult and at 14 they need to start navigating it on their own.

I'd tell your DD that if she's finding this group stressful, she should look at branching out and making new pals.

I wouldn't interfere.

Your daughter was sensible. I'd stay well out of it and probably reply to the other mum saying you're not getting involved in teenage girl drama and you suggest she does the same.

I would let your daughter know you are proud of her and she can continue to use her words to explain how she feels. And text the mother back to say at 14 spats are normal and it is up to them to sort out their disagreements.

Your dd dealt with this maturely. Sometimes standing aside is the best thing to do and this is one of those cases.
I wouldn't be talking to her mum about this- they are 14 and this isn't serious stuff like bullying.

I've just went back and said that I'm sure it will blow over but that I don't want to get involved in their spat.

In response to someone earlier; we don't babysit per se? They just all do orchestra together so it's easy if one parent drives and collects. Then they hang at that parents house.

That's going to be the only awkward part.

I would have a chat with my daughter in this situation ( only if she wants) but wouldn’t engage with other parents.
By the way I wonder if they are worried about orchestra arrangements hence the texting you. Does your daughter want you to stop lifts?

Argh they've come back this morning and told us that their daughter is ill with anxiety and this situation has made their daughter pull out of school today.... and can I speak to my daughter?

I'm starting to empathise with my daughter more. It all feels a little emotional-vampirey.

I just don't feel it's appropriate. And yes, I think they are wondering who is going to transport to orchestra.

I'm definitely still going to offer to drive this weekend. I guess the girls will just have to be civil.

My now older kids went through the same thing.
I kept out of it, helicopter mum wanted to sort it out asap!!??!

I just kept saying the same thing, it's part of growing up and unless there's any safety concerns or bullying I'm staying out of it.

They are not friends now and haven't been for 2 years. Everything turned out fine

I don’t think your daughter is innocent here. Even though everyone said her message was amazing blah blah

the issue is the boy who is coming in between the girls friendship

id be telling your daughter that if she persists in private messaging him that it is going to continue to drive a wedge between her friend

As you don’t want to interfere it seems the writing is on the wall…….

Id be advising my daughter to pick friendship over a boy any day

I think you've misunderstood- it's the other girl who is asking the boy to go on private chats in front of the group, not my daughter.

The boy actually sent my daughter a message over the weekend saying he likes her and would she go to the cinema with him.

I've no doubt my daughter is not innocent- no one ever is and it's never black and white. She can be a bit harsh but I've checked her phone and she really has just said to this girl (verbatim)

'I dnt think we should be friends anymore, u seem mad at me all the time and I dnt think it's healthy for me or u. I feel like you dnt want me there anyway. Have I ldone smthing wrong? Is there anything that's bothering u? Happy to chat on here or at school. ❤️'

I think this friendship group has probably run its course now they're teens and hormones are kicking in.
Two girls interested in the same boy is not going to have a happy ending!
If your DD dates this lad the group will fracture, ditto if he dates her friend.
You probably can't stop this happening.
I'd mostly leave them to it, but remind your DD that they have all been friends for a long time and that deserves respect and kindness. She needs to consider the effect her choices have on other people.

What exactly do the other girls parents expect you to do?! MAKE your daughter be friends with theirs?!!
Honestly, I think you're going about this the right way. Be there to support when/if needed, but let them sort it out themselves. Conflict resolution is a good life skill imo.

I've found this thread very helpful. I've just had "Omg I can't believe Brian! He knows Jenny is my girlfriend AND HE JUST ASKED HER OUT!! She doesn't like him, none of us like him anymore, he's just totally cringe!"

I kept my counsel and made sympathetic noises. A week later, and they're all bezzie mates again (they're 13. It's like bloody Romeo and Juliet at this age, isn't it?) 😆

This has continued. I have created a new thread.

Teen drama, aibu to still stay out of it? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4795168-teen-drama-aibu-to-still-stay-out-of-it