Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Calling a meal extravagant

44 replies

snowcatblue · 30/01/2023 12:29

Help settle a raging row

Context dh and I have been finding it hard to get along for a while. We have two young DC and are exhausted.
Money is tight but we both work and can afford the odd treat here and there. He worries more than me and takes control of spreadsheets to manage his anxiety but is also avoidant and hasn't looked at the for months.
We have joint account for family related spending/bills etc and separate individual accounts for personal spending (with the same budgets each)

This weekend he took our DD out for lunch and at the last minute his DSis joined. She never pays for anything. They went for pizza and he paid for it all out of the joint account. It came to £50.
I said when I saw him afterwards 'I wouldn't have put an extravagant lunch on the joint account' thinking that when I have one child with me and meet a friend, if I pick up another persons bill I would do it on my personal account.

He has gone loopy and is now expecting me to apologise for an incendiary comment about a meal being expensive.

AIBU to think that my comment was not incendiary
YANBU it is ok to call a meal extravagant when an extra pizza is bought

OP posts:

Original poster

snowcatblue · 30/01/2023 13:21

I mean I obviously like the validation of the comment!! And am channeling my inner grown up 😂

OP posts:

LookingOldTheseDays · 30/01/2023 13:33

Your remark is extremely petty. It was a pizza, and most of the cost was attributable to your family.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/01/2023 13:58

meetmeatmidnights · 30/01/2023 12:35

Your remark is quite petty to me and is obviously said to make a point. If that's how you feel, surely you'd say something like "oh, I noticed you paid from the joint account for pizza - is this not something we should be using a personal accounts for?" or similar.

How is yours less petty than what OP said?!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2023 14:03

snowcatblue · 30/01/2023 12:47

Thank you all for perspective and calling my nonsense. Yes I was probably already pissed off with him for other things.

I've called and apologised and we've both agreed not be dicks when we get home from work tonight.

Thank you x

I don’t think this is what you were told!

I think there just needs to be a conversation about what is and isn’t ok, ie spending on lunches out and treating others from the joint account.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/01/2023 14:04

I wouldn’t call pizza an extravagant meal. What you meant is you don’t want him treating his sister from joint. So you thought he should pay £35 for him and child from joint and £15 for sister from personal,
Personally I couldn’t be bothered with that. If you are having issues then keeping separate accounts might be sensible.
I’d just agree going forward what is joint re eating out.

Rooroobear · 30/01/2023 14:05

Take £50 out then for you

StrapOnYourHeroHair · 30/01/2023 14:08

MrsBunnyEars · 30/01/2023 12:40

It’s not extravagant.

It might be not how you’ve agreed to use the joint account, but that’s a different issue.

This sums up what I was thinking.

Sleepless1096 · 30/01/2023 14:19

It depends on whether he would be ok with you doing the same thing. It may not be a huge extravagance in the great scheme of things, but if all the 'little extravagances' paid for jointly are attributable to one person, then of course it's going to begin to grate.

caringcarer · 30/01/2023 14:28

We do family stuff (me, DH and DC) from joint but if I meet up with and treat my sister without DH there I'd do it out of my personal account even if DC was with us. You just need to make sure you both agree to this going forward.

girlfriend44 · 30/01/2023 14:37

what an absolute waste of money £50 on a pizza. Crap food that is not more than cheese on toast no wonder your annoyed.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 30/01/2023 14:39

No, I think you're right.

You have said money is tight yet he willingly picked up the bill for someone else.

That's not on. I wouldn't be happy either.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 30/01/2023 14:46

Calling it extravagant was a bit weird. It's not at all extravagant, it's a pizza. Profligate, maybe.

I think this is about something entirely different, OP.

UsingChangeofName · 30/01/2023 15:00

JarByTheDoor · 30/01/2023 12:43

Extravagance is relative. If you hardly ever go out to eat because of the cost, then buying another adult a meal out on a whim would count as extravagant to me, yes.

This.

So many of the answers on here show the privilege of so many MNers.

I like popping out for lunch. It is my treat to myself now the mortgage is paid off and we are not longer paying out for childcare or dcs' clothes or holidays etc. A couple of times a month, I might take one of the dc out for lunch.

However we go to one of the local cafes, or we use a special offer at a pub chain end will never spend over £15 between the two of us (usually under £10).
So yes, I would think someone spending £50 on a lunch out was very extravagant.

Whether it is reasonable to pay for his sister or not is going to be dependent on her circumstances, your circumstances, your relationships, how the family dynamics work in general - not enough information given here).

So many posts on here saying it isn't are clearly not on the same budget restrictions as the OP, and millions of other families across the country.

SleeplessInEngland · 30/01/2023 15:08

You both sound as bad as each other I'm afraid.

overthink4r · 30/01/2023 15:10

What you are annoyed about is not unreasonable but I think you've used the opportunity to score a point and have a dig.

Rosei · 30/01/2023 15:50

Rooroobear · 30/01/2023 14:05

Take £50 out then for you

It's not £50 though is it. The bulk of the spend was on him and DD, which the OP states at the start that things like that come out of the joint account. It's the SIL that she has the issue with. So the argument was over a few quid!

Dixiechickonhols · 30/01/2023 16:14

I read it as Op quibbling over dh buying sister a meal.
If money is that tight then agree odd decision to take dd out for pizza but maybe that’s part of bigger picture of issues - dh being ‘Disney dad’ not just making lunch at home like op would.

AutumnCrow · 30/01/2023 16:20

Did your DH really say 'incendiary'? That's the key question.

Calphurnia88 · 30/01/2023 16:38

£50 on pizza for two adults and one child sounds a lot, but I can see how that might happen if you add drinks, etc.

I think you're both being unreasonable. It's hard to say who's right and who's wrong as only you know how you split your finances. If he has form for slipping things through the joint account I can see how one pizza might tip you over. But if this is a one-off then it's really not worth arguing about, although you should really agree some principles around the joint account (since money can be a source of tension in any relationship).

Flip

1 2