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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you socialise as a couple?

34 replies

darkbluenails · 30/01/2023 06:06

Do you socialise as a couple? Especially with other parent couples from school? My son is last year of primary and we've never had other parents round, just discovered there's lots of groups from school who have dinner partys etc regularly since p1. We've never been asked to any but then we've never invited anyone. I worry this has affected my son's friendships as the ppl who socialise together their children are all tight. Found out some of them have even been on holidays together.

I'm feeling guilty and a bit fomo. My husband and I are a bit awkward and the thought of having people round to our disfunctional house panics me but worried I should have been doing this for years. I don't have any close friends in this area and I thought other parents were all similar, it's shook me up a bit to find so many hang out with their husbands too. I know I'm being unreasonable as ppl can do what they want but just feel I've wasted years and should have done better for my son. Go easy on me. Do you have other parents/friends round a lot?

OP posts:

Iwillhavealargeone · 30/01/2023 06:23

Some will have tighter friendships than others, I was lucky to meet a great set of mums when my son was in reception, he is now year 10, a lot of them camp so yes do go away together, we do socialise as just mums, lunch, the odd night out etc, but when football was on we all got together. I think I have just been lucky.

Hups · 30/01/2023 06:30

Yes, but we didn't with other school parents.

Original poster

darkbluenails · 30/01/2023 06:31

Iwillhavealargeone · 30/01/2023 06:23

Do the dad's go too on the camps etc? I have a small social group but never do joint social things with my partner and other couples and worried we've messed up big time

OP posts:

DingDonkey · 30/01/2023 06:32

We socialise as a family. My parents never did (or individually for that matter) and I do feel like I missed out a bit as a child. It's not that big a deal though.

snowlolo · 30/01/2023 06:33

We have friends round quite a lot, yes... but they aren't people who we felt we 'had' to be friends with or needed to have in our circle to benefit us in some way. They're just people we developed natural relationships with over the years and get on with and have come to love and care for. Friends.

I would be really against the idea of what you're suggesting, it sounds so forced and awkward.

At the end of the day your son will befriend whoever he befriends. You may find if you started inviting someone round he wouldn't like their kids anyway, there's no guarantee they'd hit it off. You are feeling awkard about it because it's a really awkward thing to do. Relationships need to develop naturally. Also, you aren't responsible for your son's friendships.

SoIAmGlad · 30/01/2023 06:36

This is an odd post. If you’re socially awkward, don’t like having people over, and would never dream of socialising with other parents from your child’s school, why is it discombobulating you to find that others from that environment do host dinners and go on holiday together, presumably because they like it? Your child is surely at an age when he chooses his own friendships by now? And what does the husbands’ involvement have to do with it?

In answer to your question, DS is almost 11 and we do socialise with his friends’ parents intermittently, men as well as women, and we’ve gone on weekends away a couple of times with one family. Our house is a barely inhabitable building site, but we hosted for dinner a lot last summer when we could sit outdoors. I see two of DS’s friends’ mothers regularly for coffee, and go hillwalking with one of the dads.

Mummadeze · 30/01/2023 06:37

I wish but my partner wouldn’t want to. It is one of many regrets about who I chose as a long term partner. I didn’t get in the clique of school parents, partly because I was busy and had lots of friends outside school life. But one nice couple asked over and over to do things with me and my partner and I ended up socialising with them on my own, which made the other Dad feel bad. But I can’t make my partner different. My DD is now diagnosed autistic so assume my partner is too which explains a lot.

Swiftswatch · 30/01/2023 06:38

I don't have any close friends in this area and I thought other parents were all similar, it's shook me up a bit to find so many hang out with their husbands too.

You’re really shocked that people socialise with their husbands?
I just find that a given really. You generally marry someone you want to hang out with. Most of the activities I do are socialising as couples. Of course there are times we do things separately but I would said the majority of the time it’s as a couples with other couples.

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2023 06:39

We socialise as a couple quite a lot, we have double dates with my friends and their husbands

I’m not sure why you’re surprised that other people like to socialise with each other and invite friends round for dinner op

Original poster

darkbluenails · 30/01/2023 06:40

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2023 06:39

We socialise as a couple quite a lot, we have double dates with my friends and their husbands

I’m not sure why you’re surprised that other people like to socialise with each other and invite friends round for dinner op

Are these other parents from school?

OP posts:

FurAndFeathers · 30/01/2023 06:47

I think it’s not so unusual to not hang out with other parents from school. What is a bit strange is that you’re surprised people hang out with their spouses - surely that’s normal?

You chose to spend your life with this person presumably because you chat/hang out/have fun together?

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/01/2023 06:57

I socialise with my partner (when I can get out and find childcare) but not particularly with other school parents.

We hang out with his friends or my friends when we can but I wouldn't put any particular premium on school parents unless they were particular friends. I'm good friends with the mums of a couple of my DD's primary school friends but DP isn't particularly.

It sounds as if you're suggesting people ought to socialise with other parents purely for the benefit of their children's social life but I don't think life is really like that. You either get on with other parents or you don't and if you do you might see them socially. But it would be very odd to force a whole social life with parents purely to benefit your children.

illiterato · 30/01/2023 06:59

my situation was probably a bit different as we were lived overseas when my dc were primary age, but we did socialise with other parents from school as a couple. However, in some cases them being school parents was incidental and we met them somewhere else or had opportunities to cement the friendship in another setting- sports clubs, work etc. my dc got the bus to and from school so I didn’t do pick up but if we were out somewhere and they saw a friend from school I’d generally make an effort to chat to the parents. Also parties etc.

we have been on holiday with some of these people- I do absolutely love a group holiday though.

On reflection I think parents knowing each other does support children’s friendships, especially for those who might find it more difficult in a school environment. You’re more likely to encourage your child to make an effort and include another child if you like their parents. My son has a good friend who struggled socially at school due to his ND. My son found his behaviour confusing at first and didn’t want to be friends. However, they spent time out of school as I am friends with his parents and in a 1-1 situation they got on really well and enjoy the same sport. As they’ve matured my son obviously also has a better understanding of why this friend finds school social situations overwhelming and helps him and makes accommodations.

watchfulwishes · 30/01/2023 07:02

I worry this has affected my son's friendships as the ppl who socialise together their children are all tight. This is not a correct assessment, imo. Firstly, loads of people have great friendships without parental involvement, secondly parental friendship groups can be great or can be problematic, and thirdly it is teen friendships that really matter - and these do really needed to be navigated separately from parents.

Your fomo is misplaced IMO.

brianixon · 30/01/2023 07:06

To me/us it would be strange not to join together as a foursome. Who on earth would go out to a party and leave spouse at home?

ShandaLear · 30/01/2023 07:13

I really wouldn’t sweat this. Lots and lots of parents don’t do this. In our case we both had full time jobs so only did drop off/pick up a few times a week, already had an established network of friends, and saw other parents mostly at a kids party or the occasional meet up at a soft play. I did occasionally go for a walk or a coffee with one of the other mums if we happened to drop off at the same time but it wasn’t a regular or frequent thing. It also depends on if one of the parents is an ‘organiser’. One of the other classes in my DD’s year had a mum that organised camping trips and swimming in the river and all that sort of thing, but really it was the same 6-7 families who went all the time. It changes once they go to secondary school too - the kids develop new friendships and don’t need you to organise any social events for them, lots of the SAHMs go back to work, and things move on. My primary friendships have come from my children’s nursery days and we still socialise every 6 weeks or so, but only 2-3 times a year with partners, and then it’s things like a pre Christmas meet up down the pub where we have a few drinks and the teenage kids all sit and play on their phones!

Cosycover · 30/01/2023 07:27

I don't socialise with any school parents. Can't think of anything worse tbh.

We do have one friend couple from school but we were friends before we had kids so that doesn't count.

I have my own group of friends. The only thing I have in common with the other parents is having a child the same age.

Oblomov22 · 30/01/2023 07:29

Yes. And I think it's very much the norm. But only if you want that, which you didn't, do that's ok. We socialised a lot with other parents, and went on holiday with the football mum and dads. The dads met for curries, some went running together apparently. People socialise in all sorts of different ways. Or not at all if they are very quiet and introverted. Both are fine. You must know this, why the surprise?

Blueberry40 · 30/01/2023 07:37

No we never socialised as a couple with other parents. Occasionally saw friends outside of school but both worked full time and permanently knackered so it was rare tbh. Both my boys have got good friendship circles so it hasn’t had an adverse effect on them and we’ve been on some lovely holidays together as a family.

It would have been nice to have those couple friendships but we were both so busy all the time they never had the chance to develop, I think it’s probably been worse for us than the DC’s- they’ve got their own friends!

Bayleaf25 · 30/01/2023 07:37

Yes we mostly socialise as a couple (lots of dinner parties etc) but other couples we have met naturally (some through school) not because we have to. When kids were little this sometimes involved the children too. I don’t think it’s had much affect on the kids friendships as they’ve formed their own anyway.

We do also socialise separately sometimes (mostly work things or occasional girls/boy’s nights out).

coodawoodashooda · 30/01/2023 07:39

Yry being a single parent. These invitations don't come.

Bayleaf25 · 30/01/2023 07:45

@coodawoodashooda DS has been a single parent until very recently and she has still socialised quite a bit with a few couples from school. They’ve been on short breaks/camping together, BBQs and things in the summer. I do appreciate it might be harder though.

LCforlife · 30/01/2023 07:47

brianixon · 30/01/2023 07:06

To me/us it would be strange not to join together as a foursome. Who on earth would go out to a party and leave spouse at home?

Why wouldn't you if they didn't want to come?

I like socializing with my partner but I also really like hanging out with my mates and he doesn't need to be a part of that.

bluejelly · 30/01/2023 07:51

I was a single mum when my DC was at primary school so never socialised as a couple. To be fair I only ever socialised with the mums (not their partners) and that suited me/them fine. I really wouldn't overthink it.

Mumof1andacat · 30/01/2023 08:01

Hardly ever. We rarely have a sitter for my son. Rarely at the school gates due to work. Ds goes to wraparound care. We occasionally have a bbq or a picnic with friends and their children. These are friends we made before have kids when we had a social life (ha ha)

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