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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people lie just for the sake of it?

5 replies

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/01/2023 20:00

I see so often on MN where the OP has a genuine dilemma over attending an event or meeting an obligation or having visitors or some such, loads of advice to 'just say... [insert random lie here]' when actually the truth is perfectly fine.

It's happened to me this weekend, a friend cancelling dinner on Friday with an excuse that (without going into detail) I know isn't true.

It's obvious that she just couldn't be bothered to go out at the end of the week, and if she'd have said that then I'd have been fine, I was fine with her cancelling anyway, I expected it (she's got form for being flakey) just a bit Hmm that she's felt the need to make up some dumb excuse.

So, AIBU to wonder why people feel the need to lie or encourage others to lie, especially in circumstances where the truth wouldn't hurt any feelings or make any difference to anyone, and in fact sometimes might be beneficial for the person being lied to to know!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 29/01/2023 20:07

Because people don't want to offend. I have 3 very close friends and very many 'friends' iyswim. So if one in the latter camp had asked me to go to dinner on Saturday I'd much rather say I'm busy helping my sister do xyz than tell her I just don't feel like it. If it was one in the former camp I'd be honest as they know me well enough to know that it isn't a reflection on how I feel about the friendship.

I understand where you're coming from though as being lied to is in itself insulting but I just would rather not deal with the potential fallout of telling the truth which more often than not is that I just literally cannot be bothered. If it was something like planning a weekend away with friends and I didn't have the finances for it I'd much rather tell the truth but it all depends on context.

Original poster
QueSyrahSyrah · 29/01/2023 20:19

I understand that about offence, but in your example I'd usually say 'sorry I can't do this weekend' and leave it at that without going into why and telling a lie that I could potentially be caught in.

The friend who flaked Friday is a 'good' friend and one who knows how straight up I am, so it's a bit hurtful that she's felt the need to feed me a line.

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/01/2023 20:29

Nope. I agree with you. I don't understand either. It's usually much better and simpler to tell the truth, or at least, a version of the truth (softening the blow a little, if necessary.) That way, you don't have to remember what you've told who, and you aren't likely to get caught out telling different stories to different people. A clear conscience is worth its weight in gold.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/01/2023 20:32

VladmirsPoutine · 29/01/2023 20:07

Because people don't want to offend. I have 3 very close friends and very many 'friends' iyswim. So if one in the latter camp had asked me to go to dinner on Saturday I'd much rather say I'm busy helping my sister do xyz than tell her I just don't feel like it. If it was one in the former camp I'd be honest as they know me well enough to know that it isn't a reflection on how I feel about the friendship.

I understand where you're coming from though as being lied to is in itself insulting but I just would rather not deal with the potential fallout of telling the truth which more often than not is that I just literally cannot be bothered. If it was something like planning a weekend away with friends and I didn't have the finances for it I'd much rather tell the truth but it all depends on context.

What happens when the friend bumps into your sister and asks how the weekend went? And DSis has no idea what you're talking about? Better to say, sorry, I'm too tired /it's not my thing, whatever is the truth. People can handle it!

OneTC · 29/01/2023 20:34

People who tell the truth can't get their head round people that lie and vice versa, they are two completely opposite natures.

I can't lie like that I just can't do it. If I had made an arrangement to go meet someone I'd most likely just go. If I wasn't going it would be for a legitimately good reason that I would tell them.

I wouldn't be friends with someone that lied like that because I'd expect them to be generally untrustworthy.

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