To ask if it’s crazy to be single all your life?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

Just been thinking about this for the past few days…

Obviously I’ve been aware about my singleness, but it’s just hit me that I don’t know anyone like me and that I probably will never know what it’s like to be chosen and loved by someone, what it feels like to build a life with another person.
And just feel more ’normal’, bu this I mean I at least feel like there is still stigma being a single woman.

One of my happiest friends has always been single. She is really enjoying her busy life and seems completely fulfilled.

I, on the other hand, am trapped in a living nightmare. I'd take single if I had my time again.

Several studies have shown that happiness rates rise for men after marriage, while the opposite is true for women.

And yet we're told that being a singleton is some sort of misery for women.

I'm 50, and have never lived with a partner. I've had relationships, but none more than a couple of years, and I've kept everyone at arm's length. I always thought I wasn't interested in a relationship, but realised in the last few years that I'm gay actually (past relationships were always with men). I'm starting to think I would like a proper relationship, but I am still hyperindependent and I'm not sure how easily I can manage to start now. But I'm not unhappy being single. It works fine most of the time.

Are you really trapped? It's not in any way possible for you to become single?

I've been single for almost 20 years! To be fair though, I'm now nearly 60 and I was married twice before the singledom began, and have two children. BUT there's nothing wrong with being single!

How old are you OP? A friend of mine was married for the first time aged 42, and like you, before she met her now husband, figured that she was destined to a life of being alone. She's been married now for 8 years and has 5-year old twins, so love really can appear when you least expect it. Don't give up, if this is what you want 💗

I am the Father of a daughter in her 40s. She is single, I know of 3 relationships that she had. They all fizzled out. She is getting along fine and seems happy with her life.

The biggest disappointment for her is not having children. She could not now because of problems. Perhaps now she is now accepting it better. Of her friends and year group this is not rare. At least 2 never left home and still live with Mother/Parents.

I've been single since university and now in my mid 30s. I had my DD and decided I didn't want to date but focus on her and getting my life on track. She's in her teens now and I know I need to start building a social life independent of her but Ive been alone so long I don't think I'll ever date properly, I don't think I'd want to share my space with another adult when I'm settled and mortgage free. I am glad I got the opportunity to experience motherhood though and she has been a delight. I think I would have felt I missed out more on not experiencing that than I do not experiencing a live-in 'grown up' relationship.

My friend is in her early 70s and although she has had a few dating relationships she has never married or lived with anyone. She has a platonic friend she was once in a relationship with, they go on holidays and days out together. He would love to move in with her but he has definite cocklodger tendencies and she is well aware of that!

My family friend turned 50 this year. I've known her all her life, although admittedly not close for quite long periods when were living in different countries. There has never been mention of a relationship. Perhaps she has had affairs or ONSs, but she is very work-orientated and puts in long hours. She has a lovely home and a couple of friends but seems to enjoy spending plenty of time alone or on amazing holidays. She's a theatre and classical music buff and interesting on those subjects. She used to read Mills & Boon novels when she was younger and I've occasionally picked up hints that she'd like a man around, but she does nothing as far as I'm aware to look for one so I've concluded that she's not that bothered.

I’m early/mid 40s and resolutely single. Last proper relationship was in my late 20s and for various reasons that was always one that had an expiry date from the outset, there was no expectation that it would lead to marriage or very long term.

I have a few gentlemen callers which means my sexual needs are met, I have great friends, some fabulous family members and thankfully financially I am in a well paid job which lets me have a very good standard of living. My home is beautiful and I will be mortgage-free very soon.

There is no man on earth I would compromise the above for.

I'm in my mid 40s and had a few dating relationships when I was much younger but nothing serious. I always said, oh, I haven't met "the one" yet. It took me until I was nearly 40 to realise that I was just not particularly interested in a relationship, and that was OK. I was going on a whole lot of first dates as I saw 40 hovering in front of me, but I just didn't feel any spark with any of them.

At 39 I put dating aside (which tbh felt like a relief) and decided to explore motherhood on my own. Eventually became pregnant and had ds at 42. We have a great life as a household, with friends, family and community, and frankly I feel better off than many of my friends who are in not great marriages.

It's not like I'm a loner or "weird" or need extra personal space - I love having people who I love (friends and family) around the house, I have a good career and a rich life. but I just don't have that urge for sex or a relationship based on it. I don't feel like I need a "reason" or label for my singleness, but last year I read Alice Oseman's 'Loveless', which describes asexuality, and the experiences of the character resonated with me.I have enjoyed kissing and touching in the past, but it's not something I feel is lacking from my life.

I'm sharing this as just like your post suggests, as I think it's still a taboo to talk openly about some of these issues, and I kind of wished I'd realised earlier that it was fine not to feel I had to desperately keep dating.

I'm another one who has found that living with a partner or being in a couple has held me back.
I'm quite driven and like learning and trying new things (as well as my creature comforts), where as I find the men I have met are quite '2D'.
I wouldn't want to live with one again

Not crazy, but more expensive and a hell of a lot more difficult someti

Crazy? No, certainly not. Until very recently, it was unusual, but not crazy.

I put up a thread on MN a while ago titled "I don't do relationships". The quote referred to a young woman I met at a party who used exactly those words. Several people on the thread described friends and family who feel this way. One woman said two of her teenage children were dead against relationships, and that many of their friends also seemed uninterested. The young are far more cynical and wary (possibly because they go online and read endless horror stories about miserable, toxic, controlling, hellish partners – something they used to have to discover for themselves).

I suspect it will become more and more common – like being gay, or having an open relationship, or being polyamorous, or whatever. Society is more tolerant now. And so people who used to hide away, or force themselves to live in ways they didn't like, can now relax. Long-term relationship don't suit everybody. Some people have high sex drives, some low. Some people crave intimacy, and can't bear to be alone, others find intimacy suffocating and crave solitude.

Until very recently, society was brutal. Unless you were married young (to a member of the opposite sex), had kids and stayed with the father, you were an oddity. Nobody wants to be outside the tribe. We're hard-wired to crave acceptence. And so many people endured hellish relationships because, well, that was what you did. Both my sets of grandparents were in nightmare marriages, and both stuck them out to the bitter end. THAT was crazy. Both my paternal grandfather, and my maternal grandmother, would have been much happier if they'd never married. My grandfather was a kind, easy-going chap who liked his beer and darts. He married late, to a screeching, selfish monster, and had three children he didn't really want. His life was a total misery. He was a born bachelor, and should have stayed like that. If he were born today, I'm sure he wouldn't bother.

Actually, when you think about it, we didn't evolve to live in a small brick box with a stranger for 60 years, sharing a toilet, sleeping with them, eating with them, watching TV with them, going on holiday with them, year in and year out for decade and after decade, never having sex with anyone else, etc.

That’s my normal OP - just never really found anyone I wanted to settle with. There are good and bad bits to being long term single but I enjoy it really. I don’t trouble myself with what anyone else thinks - no point.

I didn't have a relationship till I was in my mid 40s. Was very overweight and a combination of not feelin ready. Have had two relationships since. Like bring in a relationship when it's good but am happy single too.

Hi, I’m reading all the comments and to answer some questions.

I’m 36.
And nothing, I’ve never been on any kind of a relationship.

Also, I’d like to thank everyone who said nice things or told about others who have very little expirience, it means so much you have no idea!

Are you really concerned about others opinions or are you sinply unhappy with your status?

-I do still care what others think, working on it, but it’s hard for me.
Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes not, it’s pretty much 50/50, maybe a bit more unhappy lately.

I've been married and I've been single and being single is infinitely preferable! I don't think it's weird - similar to a previous poster I have non serious short term relationships with gentleman which suits me perfectly - I'd never live with a man again!

Hey OP, I'm in a similar place and the same age - no relationships, very little in the way of any experience. I had a few opportunities in my late teens/early twenties, but had very low self esteem so never really believed that anyone could be seriously interested in me or that I deserved a relationship. So I guess I put up a lot of barriers and never let anyone in, and now I'm just stuck in that place.

The rest of my life is quite fun, I have a good career, a few friends, in the process of buying my own place. Until recently I didn't really feel that anything was missing. But I have been feeling more down about it in the last 6 months or so. Even though I hear from lots of people how much they enjoy their single life, I suppose the difference is that they can compare it to being coupled up. And I can't, so I don't know what I could be missing.

Makes sense. I guess that’s the only way they can persuade women to keep doing it.

I know several people who are lifelong single no partners nothing. So I said YABU. It's not that there's no one like you. It's normal.

You say about not knowing what it is like to be chosen and loved by someone but there are other compensating factors to singledom. Don't be negative. Are you happy? That's what counts.

I know lots of women, including quite a few of my cousins, who didn't meet their partner until they were in their 40s - including late 40s. So, don't despair.

Equally, relationships often bring misery, so try not to feel like you're missing out. I only know a few couples who seem happy.

I think you saying that you will probably never be chosen or loved by someone is really sad and also not very fair on yourself. Why not think about it the other way around, you haven't found anyone good enough for you to choose or love yet. You are still so young too. If you want a partner then great, you're open to it, if not, well done for you in knowing what you want!

I worked with a wonderful older lady, never had a relationship as she had taken care of her elderly parents.
Ruled our office, dedicated to her job but was a lot of fun.
When she was in her late 60's she met a widower who was about the same age, next thing we knew we had an invitation to their wedding!
She said she thought it was about time!!!

I call myself the eternal singleton. I'm 41 and have 3 serious relationships but in between them in single for a long time. I've currently been single exactly 10 years. I don't feel I will ever meet someone else and people have told me not to speak that into the universe but I never see anyone I like. Plus Im wary of all the time I've spent alone I definitely will be picky if I meet someone else so think I will be single for the rest of my life