AIBU - baffled by things given to us by in-laws when they downsized!!

[roughedges]

Hi there
Feel a bit baffled by things given to us by in-laws when they downsized.
My lovely in-laws have very recently downsized and needed to get rid of a lot of stuff they have kept over the last 30 years. As two people who are 'definitely not hoarders' (!!), they kept an awful lot of crap.
Some of the items they have given to my husband and I:

• The cards they were given 45 years ago to congratulate THEM on my husband's birth.
• All the invoices and receipts for the bills paid for my husband's private school fees.
• My husband's photos from his first year of life.

I get they don't have room for these anymore - surely the first two items should be chucked. Husband is feeling unloved having been given the third item!! Is this not a bit strange?? Anyone else been gifted some weird items their in-laws can't face chucking so have passed on to you instead?!

This has made me think. I should separate my 2 DSs first year photos as, after I'm gone I doubt they will know whose is whose, there are nephews and nieces in there too. Perhaps the InLaws thought handing them out was the easiest way to ensure the right person got them.

If definitely chuck the bills away why on earth would you keep those. I’d throw the cards away too but I don’t like clutter.

We kept all DSs cards. I imagine we'll hand them over one day and he can keep any that mean anything to him. Like ones from our parents.

I get thinking they'd keep the photos till the end but I imagine they sat and looked through them and reminisced. Kept what meant the most and handed them over so he could look through and see how loved he was?

DH doesn't have a single photo of himself from when he was a kid. He'd be very touched if his mother gave him pictured of him as a baby. But they never took any.

My in laws did the same as soon as we moved into our first house and we’re living in chaos out of boxes still. Dumped all of DHs reports, childhood drawings and stuff he hasn’t used for 20 odd years on us. Also have us all of his childhood photos which I find just utterly bizarre. Like will they never want to look at them again?

We we’re having enough of a job finding space for our own stuff let alone theirs too. MIL is now obsessed with decluttering her house but happy to clutter up mine.

im fairly ruthless, have just sorted out my childhood bedroom at my parents and thrown out all of my teenage diaries (no one needs that much angst in their life) but I don’t feel able to throw away DHs stuff and he isn’t exactly rushing to clear it.

I'd love the cards even if just from a historical point of view, cards have changed somewhat since the 1970s so I'd love a good look even if I didn't keep them.

This is currently doing my head in! I’m not a hoarder or overly sentimental and in laws are currently passing stuff over - I think the ref to death sizing - DH feels obligated to keep it whilst I want rid. Luckily SIL copped for a great aunt and MIL wedding dress so both items can now gather dust at her house rather than theirs. I find it a bit ridiculous actually and the dabbing of eyes when such items are handed over is also tiresome but I keep it zipped and internally eye roll.

Me neither.

I got a box of stuff when DGM died. And it was just stuff to me. After a month I binned the lot.

DH doesn't have a single photo of himself from when he was a kid. He'd be very touched if his mother gave him pictured of him as a baby. But they never took any.
Oh same here, seeing my dds as toddlers seemed to stir up a very distant memory of how I looked but I'd have loved a photo. No idea what I looked like until the first school photo.

I’d like to have those things

Same here. I get why not everybody would be interested in the invoices, but the cards and photos - are there really people who don't want these (unless childhood traumas are involved)?

I've got all of my birth congrats cards, now that my parents have gone. I would never want to part with them. I think it's an odd way of looking at it that they are congratulating THEM; they're obviously a whole family congratulation, centring around the birth of the baby, but the newborn is just too young to read, understand or care about them yet!

If your DH is interested (and he may well not be), this is his chance to ask his DPs for any information about the people who gave the cards (with whom the family may since have lost touch) and details/location/other people for the photos - unless they're the kind of (very wise imo) people who used to write the details on the back, before the days of digital photos and automatic metadata (although the metadata still won't pick up that it's Auntie Mary & Uncle Ron holding the ice creams at the back, on the beach at Clacton!)

Once they're gone, so will any other interesting information go with them - unless he has significantly older siblings, maybe.

It's fascinating how different people's outlooks are on sentimental items, though!

And whilst they're still around he might want to ask who the people are? I'm not sentimental but don't see why any of this seems strange. If he wants to chuck them all out they're now his property to do so.

I’m not sure why this would make him feel unloved, I think they’re demonstrating the opposite by having kept these items (1 and 3 anyway) and now wanting to share them with your DH.

People are so different about sentimental items. I’ve kept my new baby cards for now because I look through them sometimes and it makes me happy remembering those times in my life. But if my Mum gave me the ones she was given when I was born, I’m not sure I’d be that bothered (maybe it would be interesting to look through them, but I’m not sure I’d keep them), so I wouldn’t really expect my own DC to want them. (But of course they might so who knows).

My plan is to keep a small selection of what is important to me, and at some stage when my DC are a lot older, ask if there’s anything they’d like, with absolutely no guilt involved if they say no- I think it relieves the burden of them having to actually get rid of things themselves. I also plan to have a box of sentimental items til I die- but am going to write on it : I keep these because looking at them every now and then made me happy- DC are welcome to them, but no-one should keep anything if they don’t want it!

Every household should have a shredder.

If he wants to chuck them all out they're now his property to do so.

Yes, this. It's often easier to get rid of things that you don't want whilst the connected family members are still alive.

Once they've gone, it can sometimes be harder to let the stuff go, as it may almost seem like an irrational betrayal of their memory - a link to somebody who has now completely passed out of your own life - and grief manifests in all kinds of different ways. Obviously, you don't get that whilst you still have your loved one with you and in reasonable health.

Every household should have a shredder.

Nah - shredders are just pointless hoarded clutter

I'd probably want to keep the photos and maybe a few of the cards.
I've taken to photographing or scanning other things so it lives in the cloud in case some future generation is interested.

My DD is the ancestry buff and it's a little sad to only have one photo of a great great grandparent, so adding bits and pieces about people's lives could be nice for the future.

Oh dear.

I've got a small box of things for each of my dc including cards, first outfit, some baby photos, newspapers from the day they were born.

I thought these things might be of interest to the dc one day.

I didn't know I might be causing problems in the future 🤣

@Goldi321 I think we're made of the same stuff

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll you're so right!! I find it much harder to throw things out when the person linked to them is still alive. When someone is dead I feel like I'm betraying their memory 🙈

Think yourself lucky.
When my Uncle downsized I got:
A 6' fibre optic christmas tree (that didn't light up);
Enough baubles and decorations for 2 trees;
A food processor;
A sewing machine;
4 x 60's dining chairs;
A desk - big thing, from an 80s office, not a posh "bureau"/antique thing;
2 wardrobes (which nearly collapsed in the van on the way);
A 21" CRT tv with cabinet - the one with the doors on, about 5' high.

All your DH needs to keep is a shoe-box full of photos. 🤷‍♀️
I needed a skip!

As someone who has worked on extensive family trees over the years I would say to anyone who has old photos, talk to someone who knows the people and make notes for subsequent interested parties. We've missed so much by being 'one page behind'. Don't wait until it's too late to ask!

They know these things need to go, but they are sentimental and imagine that your DH would have the same attachment.
If they have ipads, they could take pics of the most important ones and chuck the originals.
Old photos are often far more interesting when you can see them on a bigger screen and crop them.
Perhaps the kids could help with this? just keep the interesting stuff online.

The school fees ... that sounds like a major guilt trip and I'd bin them.
Personally I'm always fighting the clutter battle and I'd love to have a sneaky trip to the dump with some of the crap DH has accepted.
When DH's GM was downsizing, she couldn't cope with all the photo/paper mementos... so we arranged for storage so that when she moved she could go through it in her own time and she was relieved to do that.

I thought you were going to say it was 10 cat ornaments and plates or something.

one and three are totally normal.

two is a little odd but could become interesting over time. If you keep hold if it long enough it becomes an artifact.

If I had the invoices from my grandparents education it would be interesting to look over, especially as it was probably very cheap compared to today. It’s a piece of social history and your DHs grandkids might care. You could just take a digital copy.

Our in laws gave us some bits like that, dh also felt unloved (if that helps) and they gave back ALL the baby pictures or our dc.

that was quite bewildering

You'll need to give them your address if you want them! 😂

I've kept the congratulations cards for when my children were born I thought they might be interested in seeing them u would have loved to have seen the ones from my buryhy. Not just to read the messages but to see the style of the cards.
Apart from the invoices I don't think it's odd that they kept them want to pass them on. It's part of his history and they probably thought he would want them.