‘You seem very angry’

[Cuppasoupmonster]

I see this a lot on here, like being angry is something only an inherently unreasonable woman would feel (#bekind, guys). AIBU to think it’s silly, sexist and that actually it’s a normal human emotion for both men and women? And rarely relevant as to whether the post is BU or not?

I think it depends what you are angry about and whether you're directing it at the right people.

I've never understood why if you aren't a massive fan of a celebrity and say so on here you will be told you are 'jealous' within a few posts.

OP I completely agree.

In my family being an angry woman was an absolute crime. The biggest crime in the family was not to be compliant and demure as a girl/woman. There was so much for the female children to be angry about, narc parents, CSA from a brother in addition to persistent low level bullying from brothers/parents.

I find it almost funny these days when people shame other people’s anger, unless the anger comes from some kind of narcissistic distortion, then it serves a purpose. It is energising you to do something about a situation, you feel angry, you analyse your situation you do something about it and you move on. Anger is an emotion with a very valid purpose. Often when people express it on MN they are trying to analyse the situation they are in.

YABU

I’ve only ever seen this when the OP is coming across very angry for seemingly no reason and then sometimes there’s a drip feed as to why they’re feeling like that and the original question is just a red herring.

Any man on here starting a thread gets a much more difficult time than women do on here.
And so to think MN is sexist towards women is completely wrong.

Its a brain development thing. Teenagers are much more likely to misinterpret the behaviour and facial expressions of others as 'anger' than adults are.

Sometimes it can be helpful to have your feelings mirrored back to you - if it helps self-awareness and reflection. ‘You seem really angry, why is that? Let’s understand why this is feeling so huge for you’ - there’s a lot to dig into that could be helpful there. It can be helpful to be with people who aren’t threatened by anger and who can help you explore it.

If it’s a judgy thing - ‘you’re really angry and shouldn’t be’, then it’s not helpful. Or if it’s, ‘you seem really angry and I feel threatened by that so I’m going to retreat from you’, that’s no help either.

Depends on the spirit it’s meant in really.

Anger in isolation is a normal human emotion, but if people are seemingly raging over very minor issues then it is a problem.

'Listen to your anger and steward it wisely' is some of the best advice I ever heard.

I didn’t mean on here men aren’t told they’re angry - after all there are comparatively very few male posters. I mean in real life - it takes a lot for a man to be asked why he’s ‘angry’ and by that point it seems to be more ‘aggression’ (ie it’s okay to froth at the mouth and that won’t be seen as as overreaction or commented on unless you hit somebody).

It seems that a lot of the time women are told they seem angry, (along with the irritating head tilt thing) when all they are doing is an expressing an opinion or bring assertive. It is often an attempt to silence and belittle women. Often by other women.

Agreed.

IRL I’m quite a ‘passionate’ person - not angry but I like a debate (no I don’t mean argument I mean juicy discussion over an abstract topic), I have opinions on most things and when I laugh I really laugh. I have a ‘strong’ personality I guess.

I’ve often felt like the ‘acceptable way’ for a woman to be is all calm/serene/quiet with few strong opinions and a mousy little voice, and that I’m ‘a handful’ because I’m not, and I’m not afraid to disagree with men or join in with jokes etc.

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but most of the time that phrase is used when anger is reasonable.

I disagree. If it was reasonable people say 'of course you are angry' etc It's used when anger is an overreaction to a situation.

From your OP, I wasn't sure which way to vote, but from your second post, I now feel YABU.

Saying to someone that they seem angry, isn't anything to do with what sex you are - indeed, you won't necessarily know on an anonymous forum.

I don't see it a lot on here, and when I have done it is often where a poster is coming across as disproportionately angry for the situation they are describing. In which case, it seems a reasonable thing to say.

I just can’t help but feel the underlying aim is ‘women shouldn’t be angry and when they are it’s because they’re a bit unhinged and therefore likely to be wrong’.

There are definitely some MNetters who come across as unhinged and irrationally.

I couldn't tell you what sex they are.

*irrationally angry

They like to try and piss people off as much and gleefully as possible.

Totally agree and it’s another way to essentially put a woman back in her box. Usually an insult from an ironically passive aggressive person.

YANBU X1000

My ex also used to say it and looking back it was belittling & about control.

Anger is as important as joy anyway.