AIBU to keep my distance from my alcoholic father?

[Shitsandwiches]

AIBU in not going to help my Dad?

He's an aggressive alcoholic. Has been my whole life. We aren't close and are not on speaking terms currently. My mum died last year and he has been in a downward spiral ever since. All sorts of crazy has been going on.

I'm trying to get him a mental health assessment. I've reported him to social services, the police and am going to speak to his GP on Monday. I think I've done the best I can. Not easy as I'm not local to him and am a full-time single parent with enough on my plate as it is.

I've had a report today that he's been barred from his local shop for being drunk and aggressive. The neighbour wants me to come and talk to him tomorrow and I just don't want to get personally involved. I don't see the point, I'm only going to be met with denial, defence and either a load of verbal abuse or a victimy pity play, and I don't want to be subjected to either.

My cousin has been trying to help as well and I felt tonight that both him and the neighbour feel I really should go and talk to him and try and support him, that they possibly think I'm being cold and ostracizing him. And now I'm sitting here feeling guilty - am I right to hold this boundary and keep him at arms length because he's not a safe person to me or AIBU and should be trying to support him more? Feeling triggered, thanks!

YANBU and sound like you have done more than could be expected of you.

If your kids are with you full time then your kids come first and you need to preserve your mental energy for them. There's only so much you can do for your dad. You can keep saving him unfortunately, it would be a full time job by the sounds of it.

*can't

You owe him nothing he should be taking care of you.

Alcoholics don't change unless they want to.

Thank you everyone - feel a bit better already. It's such a mess, I'm realising people IRL don't fully get how bad he is, they think he can be reasoned with and they would expect his daughter to be visiting him more. They don't know my family history. I've got to not care what others think so much!

No, you really don’t have to do anything. He’s an adult, he can make his own decisions, even if they are bad ones. Like you said it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference anyway, so there’s no point. Nope, you need to put your own lifejacket on here. If other people want to get involved that’s up to them, but keep your boundaries firm and keep saying no. Broken record style, every time, no, no, no.

There is nothing reasonable about an alcoholic, and therefore they cannot be reasoned with. If you need to protect yourself, you need to protect yourself. Would-be good samaritans who are volunteering you to get in there and sort him out will learn what he is like in their own time.

Nope nope, you start going round you'll become default go to for issues, so the locking self out, drunk and annoying neighbours etc.

Yes agreed, thank you so much everyone. I needed a bit of reassurance on this.
It would be totally pointless to see him in person and all that I would achieve is upsetting myself.
I might have to officially cut contact for good but haven't been able to. Guilt/Duty etc. Will see how these next couple of months pan out and if he gets some professional support in place, though I think he's most probably a lost cause.

I have been NC with my abusive, alcoholic father for 11 years.
He was adding nothing to my life but stress and anguish.
I wouldn't expect my kids to stick around me if I was putting them through that.
It's not your job to fix him.

Completely agree Thepossibility - thank you.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. Don’t go near him. He will drain you. Only he can decide to get better. Don’t feel guilty. Enjoy being a good mum to your kids.

Thanks Laundry 💐

You can tell the neighbour that you lived with that shit all your life and aggressive alcoholics can’t be reasoned with. Neighbour is also welcome to contact police and social services, etc. Might actually help the situation move along faster. If neighbour keeps pushing you can point out that perhaps if neighbours had stepped up earlier when you were growing up, he might not be so bad as he is now, and you may not have such bad PTSD from growing up with the man.

My Dad’s Cousin couldn’t understand why I wasn’t remotely interested in trying to patch things up with my Dad, after years of me trying to go NC with him. She spouted all of that guilt trip BS about blood being thicker than water, until he turned on her.

Put yourself first, stay strong and happy x

Nothing to add but sending
Stay strong x

Yes exactly that Fraa, I said to her to please contact the police if it happens again - I mean he's unlikely to be aware that he's been barred from the shop so will probably try and go back in there tomorrow, so there might well be another situation looming. I've said I've been trying to get a mental health assessment for him and have spoken to 101 about him etc, and that a neighbour calling the police might help speed things up. No response from her on that. I do have ptsd as is being played out now in my tendency to want to appease people and having self-doubt when I put a boundary down - i'm a work in progress.

Thanks Naturalbae sounds very similar, I had, 'how will you feel if something happens to him and you're not talking', 'you can't just cut him out' etc.
I'll have to cut them out too! :D

Oh thanks CarlyCat :)

Yes, very similar. Alcohol, drugs and MH issues tend to go hand in hand.

I refuse to subject myself to any of it and I definitely won’t expose my children to it.

@Shitsandwiches - when my parents died, my brother started pestering extender family and family friends who all turned to me as though he was my responsibility. When I told them that I had severe PTSD from growing up with his behaviour, and had no intention of stepping in to make their lives easier, they attempted to persuade me by minimising his potential threat risk (like everyone did when I was a kid) as though that would make me say “Oh okay then…” Strangely, they were told to call the police. Most of them said “Oh, what would your mother have said if we did that?”…. “I think we’re all in agreement that if she had let him deal with the consequences of his behaviour when he was younger none of us would be in this position today, would we? Call the police or don’t call the police. It’s your decision. I’m not going to be able to change anything.”