ask for anxiety management help when anxiety is about someone else?

[CaringIsWaring]

I never used to be an anxious person at all. I knew anxious people and thought it was another country. I
just didn't get.

I have become a full time lone carer for an elderly parent who I love so much & is my last surviving relative - so as well as love I am feeling a desperate need to cling to them for my own security and stability.

I spend so much time in a huge state of anxiety about their health. Worry itself isn't irrational - this is a person is very elderly
with health issues - but it's just more that the slightest thing has me paniking instead and and sends me down a catastrophe hole.

Like they are refusing a drink (which maybe because they don't feel like it in that moment) and again - I start stressing about making them drink something because one of their conditions is much worse if they are dehydrated. Then before you know it I'm just sitting there watching them to see if they drink anything I've given them and metally in a state of anxiety thinking that they have just stopped drinking, will get dehydrated, need to go to hospital and down a rabbit hole of doom.

The anxiety is totally related to this person and their health. Nothing else. I don't
know why or how I became so anxious. It's really bad. I have a feeling of sick strained tension in my whole body when I worry about them. Like I'm on edge - vibrating on edge.

I'd been coping with alcohol in the evening but want to stop doing this. I'd prefer to avoid anti-anxiety medication.

Can anyone identify with any of this? Any advice about how to improve or lessen my anxiety?

Anxiety is really shit, I’m sorry you’re feeling like that. Unfortunately alcohol probably won’t be helping much as it relaxes you in the moment but causes more anxiety the next day. I would look up your local IAPT service. You can self-refer to most or have your GP do a referral for you.

I am like this, not helped by the fact that the person I worry about is ill, and so too am I. I was turned down by the IAPT service, which I was shocked by.

What is the IAPT service?

@LipsSoScarlet yes I know alcohol is not good so I've tried to cut down working towards stopping totally. I am much better - was having wine every night now just occassionally when things really bad.

I think exercise might help me but I can't really get out and I'm limited as to what I can do in the house while caring.

It's horrible feeling on edge of catastrophe all the time.

You can self refer for help with anxiety in many areas. It doesn’t matter that the anxiety is about someone else, it’s you that is suffering. Alcohol really does make anxiety worse so it is good you have reduced it. Anxiety is awful, I hope you can manage to get some support
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

Yes, it used to be called IAPT. I was turned down for help by them. I have used it in the past, though. The appointment came through very quickly.

They’ve changed the name recently from IAPT to Talking Therapies. They offer CBT therapies for things like depression and anxiety. You can find your nearest one here: www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service

Sorry, I hope that didn’t across as if I was telling you off by the way! I also have some anxiety and am sat here with a glass of wine myself. I just know that things feel a lot better for me when I’m not drinking much.

Exercise is really good. You could try things like YouTube videos or an app that has home-based workouts on it. If you don’t have any weights or anything at home then something like yoga, Pilates or barre might be worth looking at.

Sorry, I hope that didn’t across as if I was telling you off by the way!

No you didn't - it came across as friendly advice. The fact you wrote this (worrying about it) is anxious! I get that feeling.

Does talking therapy really help anxiety? I cant see how it can. I already go through that mental process of challenging my thinking about whatever catastrophe I foresee. Whilst rationally I know that it may not be very likely, it doesn't help the anxiety which is sort of all over my body and in me. The fact there is a miniscule chance is enough.

Is there anything else that might help? Other than maybe unconsciousness.

What are you most anxious about? Is it about losing them, that they won't always be there? Sometimes anxiety is about real things that have to be faced. It sounds like you really love them and it would be a massive loss to you when they are no longer there

Do you get any support from carers uk? Or if your relative has cancer, Macmillan offer support to families as well.
also have a look at mindfulness apps- things like calm or headspace. Just to help you at tough times.

I think sometimes it can help to have someone to bounce off when you’re challenging your thoughts. I find I start to believe my own challenging more if I’m saying it to others for some reason. I’m sure it doesn’t work for everybody but it’s always worth trying things out as there’s no harm done if they don’t.

The things that worked best for me longer term were running, yoga, meditation and trying to get a proper sleep whenever possible. The last one is really hard though. Also, look after yourself with things like eating and getting enough fluids. If you’re the type of person that undereats when you’re anxious then you can get jittery with the lack of food too. Reducing caffeine can help as well if you’re having quite a bit of it at the minute.

Is there anything you’re able to do practically to give yourself a breather from caring occasionally or are you the only person able to do the caring at the moment?

What are you most anxious about? Is it about losing them, that they won't always be there? Sometimes anxiety is about real things that have to be faced. It sounds like you really love them and it would be a massive loss to you when they are no longer there

The top thing yes is them dying. My other parent died very recently and I'm grieving hugely. I feel like I can't cope with losing another one.

The second level below that is everything that leads to them dying. So if they are unwell, I start stressing that it's the start of a downward spiral to hospital and death (this in and of itself isn't wholly irrational). In lots of situations, this could be avoided if early enough action is taken or the person is kept safe so trying to do this stresses me enormously.

I also am anxious about the future for them - when/whether it will get to a point where they have to go into a care home which I don't want for them. I am anxious about my future without both parents. I will be a no one , no one will be rooting for me, no one will love me and no one will care about me. I am scared of that life as well.

I don’t have anything of any value to say but I couldn’t not reply because your last post made me cry - I completely relate to how you feel as someone who is also terrified of losing her parents. Sending you loads of love and a hug, and I hope someone else will be along soon with some advice for you xx

Ah OP, sending a hug from me as well. I know how big anxiety can get especially when dealing with it on your own. I do agree with PP that trying to get some help in real life might be good.

Different things work for different people. I have found that things that calm down my nervous system help. So things like square breathing ( slow breath in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4, and repeat). Or sometimes just holding myself in a hug and telling myself that I am safe.