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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed by the mess, but not tidy it up?

10 replies

BananaHamhock · 28/01/2023 20:23

My husband is a pack rat with toys, reliving his youth through our children and almost never allows me to get rid of them aside from the baby and small toddler toys. He has also started to amass quite a collection of his own adult starwars and lego collectables. They are overtaking the house. My children are 5-11 so we have built up a very sizeable amount over the years. Particularly Playmobil and very large and expensive lego sets that they have displayed (completely overtaking an entire room in my house). I used to use the room as my office, but I will not set foot in it now as it makes me too angry.

The other week husband needed to empty the loft so brought down 2 very large clear storage bins (roughly 100cm x 60cm x 60cm) full of deconstructed playmobil sets, vehicles, plans and people and brought them down to the already overflowing room I detest. The two boxes he brought down then meant there was 6 of these gigantic boxes full of toys (mainly Playmobil, Lego and wooden trains), plus several smaller boxes as well as a lot of lose toys and other bits of his and the children.

My youngest loves playing with playmobil, but also has a load of other toys that have overtaken our main living room. Last week husband brought in the 2 boxes I mentioned previously above that were from the loft and has left them in our main living room & dining area. The children have pulled every bit out and have been playing with some of them. But they have overtaken the room with planes and cranes on the island, boxes of people and various cars and emergency vehicles on the dining table. It's pretty much the same for any other available surface in the room. The lesser used sofa, the entertainment unit, coffee table and 60% of the floor!! This was in addition to all of the toys they regularly play with. Some quite large like a toy kitchen.

I cannot handle the mess. I detest and resent it, but have now stopped attempting to even tidy it up because it is not my mess and my husband refuses to thin it out. If it's in the way when I'm trying to walk I just frustratingly kick it aside. Every time I bring up the subject of what a mess it is in our main room he just throws it back in my face (often in front of the children) making me look like the bad person telling me I'm no fun, that the children play with it, that child 1 loved 'that set' when they were younger, etc. He always finds a way to justify it. I am sat here staring at the mess of toys (many sets in pieces not even put together so that they can be used) strewn across the floor. I find it so overwhelming I want to cry. I know it has to be cleared up (at least off the floor) but mid week because the cleaners are coming. But it's hugely frustrating and embarrassing that the cleaners will see some of it. I no longer invite people into the house because it is such a mess and just so embarrassing.

This has turned out to be more of a rant, but if you're still reading this now AIBU for not tidying up the mess even though I hate seeing it everyday?

OP posts:
BananaHamhock · 28/01/2023 21:09

I have decided when my husband is sleeping tonight I'm moving it all out of our main room. I've had enough of it

OP posts:
Aldibag · 28/01/2023 23:09

You can’t avoid a longer term conversation about shared space. But don’t discuss this when the DC are in the room.

DH wants to feel self-actualising in his own house. You want to feel self-actualising in your own house.

You can’t fight about this all the time, YANBU for not clearing up after them on your own, BUT it is too much for you to tolerate as it stands.

You all need a shared vision in order to be a team all on the same side.

BananaHamhock · 28/01/2023 23:22

Aldibag · 28/01/2023 23:09

You can’t avoid a longer term conversation about shared space. But don’t discuss this when the DC are in the room.

DH wants to feel self-actualising in his own house. You want to feel self-actualising in your own house.

You can’t fight about this all the time, YANBU for not clearing up after them on your own, BUT it is too much for you to tolerate as it stands.

You all need a shared vision in order to be a team all on the same side.

The thing is there is no comprising with him. I've suggested we get rid of some of it and he puts me down time and time again whether or not the children are in the room. He will not get rid of anything. I briefly had him considering a storage locker but he doesn't want to pay the monthly charges

OP posts:
Aldibag · 28/01/2023 23:27

So a third party is needed to help broker the deal over toy control?

indywindy · 28/01/2023 23:42

I'd get rid of it without telling him. Pack it back up and put it in the loft.

My husband is the same when it comes to kids' toys but not quite as bad as yours.

I got rid of some without telling him and when he asked about them I just said 'they must be upstairs in kids bedroom' and shrugged my shoulders.

catsnore · 29/01/2023 00:10

Call everyone into the room and tell them that the cleaners are coming on x day and anything left lying on the floor/table etc will be put in a black bag and thrown away/donated to charity/sold on eBay or whatever. You have giant plastic containers - they can fill them back up! Put them somewhere else! Why should you have to micro manage it all? A house has to function for everyone and you are all responsible. Get it cleared and then agree where the toy mess can be. Enforce it regularly. Walk around waving black bags and muttering 😂😂😂 good luck!!!

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2023 00:20

He’s got a storage room for it - your former office. And the loft.

Tell him he is welcome to keep absolutely ANYTHING he wants - you won’t get involved in what stays and what goes (if anything).

But whatever is kept MUST fit inside the office room, or be stored in the loft.

One set at a time out in the main living space. That’s it.

Anything you find that violates that rule it gets put back in the office.

If the office is full up, then the container is full. The office is the physical limit of the space available for toys (adult or child). He can keep anything, as long as it fits the space. If it doesn’t, then to keep something it means that something else must leave the house. That way only favourite things stay.

bluebeardswife7 · 29/01/2023 00:20

I feel for you, it sounds a nightmare. But can we have some pictures please 🙏

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2023 00:22

BananaHamhock · 28/01/2023 21:09

I have decided when my husband is sleeping tonight I'm moving it all out of our main room. I've had enough of it

I think this is the way forward. The living space should be uncluttered, so just do it. Then police it every day. That’s frustrating for you but better than the frustration of seeing it all the time.

StrawberryMuffins · 29/01/2023 00:29

@Aldibag is spot on.

You need to have a grown up conversation, and find a third way forward that doesn't involve either of you losing. He needs to see how distressing this is for you and adapt his behaviour, but you need to find some comprises other that removing these things from both him and the children.

Off the top of my head how about some new storage, a big kallax with opaque cupboard doors or boxes so that it can all be packed away out of sight. Or storage furniture such as an ottoman for a coffee table, again with concealed storage. Alongside this, a commitment that say after dinner, everyone clears the toys away together. In literally 5-10 mins you can all together chuck toys into boxes and get your living room back. A Spoonful of Sugar is the traditional accompaniment for the activity but you can pick your own. Do it at lunchtime too if you need to.

Don't underestimate the power of an opaque box Vs a seethrough one on how you feel about these things.

Is there a wardrobe or garage where you could clear some space to allow toy rotation? Space in their bedrooms you can use? Kallax or other drawers etc can work well inside build in wardrobes. Massive sturdy drawers on castors under beds hold loads and scooping all the toys back into them is easy.

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