Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Not wanting MIL looking after DS

47 replies

siennamariee · 28/01/2023 20:02

Apparently this is unreasonable of me, and i'm coming on here for an opinion if i really am being unreasonable.

I have a DS that's just turned one, im a lot more relaxed with him being around others because we've tested almost all allergens and so far he's not reacted to anything and overall has good health, so we're not overly protective parents (we of course are, within reason).

However, when it comes to leaving DS with MIL, im always hesitant because she doesn't know how to respect boundaries. If i say "no" to certain food, she will insist and continue to give DS whatever it is i've said no to. For context, Im not a strict parent when it comes to what he eats, I will let him enjoy treats, especially when we're eating and he's looking at us (again within reason) but she takes it too far, offering him endless cakes/sugar/even coffee. she will give him an endless amount of espresso.

Most recently DS has been taking an oral antibiotic for what is believed to be a mouth thrush. Could be from him putting everything in his mouth, but i've also said to everyone "no one is to give him kisses on the mouth" in hopes that she'll respect it. Along with that, ive said "no giving him sugar because doctor said to avoid it in order for the thrush to calm down as it feeds off sugar and only grows out the virus/bacteria" but she says that's not true, and continued to want to give DS a custard tart.

I've started to think if she's like this when i'm present, she'll act worst when i'm not and i'm starting to not want to leave him with her. i've been told it's unreasonable that i'll let him be with others, including my own parents, but feel uneasy with her, but it's a matter of her overstepping boundaries constantly.

Is it unreasonable of me to think this way?

OP posts:

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 28/01/2023 23:38

Ugh, something else that’s recommended, I gave my baby some of an almond croissant I was having earlier and she was fine so I’ll consider almond allergen testing complete 😆.

OP - you don’t sound particularly chilled out to me. No, babies shouldn’t have caffeine but I wouldn’t be losing my marbles over it either.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 28/01/2023 23:40

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2023 23:35

she will give him an endless amount of espresso.

I stopped reading at this point. I honestly did not read another word you wrote.

You don't give a 1 year old espresso. FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Her judgement is appalling.

Don’t take posts as verbatim. The OP went on to explain that the ‘endless’ amount is actually perhaps around a teaspoon.

The OP is over egging the pudding, after a rigorous allergy testing procedure I assume.

UsingChangeofName · 28/01/2023 23:48

I'm on the fence as you do sound OTT from what you have posted, from the because we've tested almost all allergens and so far he's not reacted to anything when you say there has never been any need for any concern over allergens

to the she will give him an endless amount of espresso. which you've later admitted is a teaspoon out of her cup. Now, like most, it wouldn't be something I'd give to a baby, but licking a spoon out of her cup is hardly going to do any great damage.
But it does make me question how much more of this is exaggerated to get posters replying to you on-side.

Are you talking about the odd hour here and there / babysitting once in a while, or are you talking about childcare when you work, as that makes a difference to my answer as to whether YABU or not ?
Also, what does your dh - your dc's other parent think ?

BonjourCrisette · 28/01/2023 23:50

I am very relaxed about food and I used to occasionally let DD have a milky coffee or tea when she was small but espresso is idiotic for a one year old. Even one teaspoon of espresso is in no way beneficial and it is too much espresso for any small child. Honestly, the best way forward here is to explain clearly that she's not listening to you when you ask her not to do things so she can't have him on his own until she can do that (and in any case not until you are comfortable with it).

Is it your partner who is saying you are being unreasonable with this? In that case, as is said on here so often, you have a DH problem not a MIL problem. You need to be on the same page. If he won't back you up, that is where you need to start. Talk to him first.

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 29/01/2023 00:27

Did mil give DH expresso when he was 1?

If so, she is not going to stop if presumably he turned out ok

But get him to have a conversation with his mum

FictionalCharacter · 30/01/2023 12:44

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 28/01/2023 23:40

Don’t take posts as verbatim. The OP went on to explain that the ‘endless’ amount is actually perhaps around a teaspoon.

The OP is over egging the pudding, after a rigorous allergy testing procedure I assume.

Show quote history

OP clarified that the couple of teaspoons is every time MIL has an espresso. Not a couple of teaspoons a day.

Blossomtoes · 30/01/2023 12:50

FictionalCharacter · 30/01/2023 12:44

OP clarified that the couple of teaspoons is every time MIL has an espresso. Not a couple of teaspoons a day.

Show quote history

He’s still not getting much or it isn’t really espresso. A proper espresso just dirties the bottom of the cup.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2023 12:52

takealettermsjones · 28/01/2023 20:26

I mean this kindly but your whole post does scream overprotective parent. It's just the tone 😆

So I don't know about the context/backstory etc.

But if the espresso part is true, then YABU to even contemplate letting him out of your sight when she's around after the first spoonful of espresso.

I admit I'm skeptical that's true though, because I can't imagine any one year old going back for more spoonfuls of espresso after spitting the first one out in disgust.

I thought that at first to be honest - why get a child allergy tested for no good reason?
However, the espresso thing is crazy so maybe yanbu

jannier · 30/01/2023 13:07

siennamariee · 28/01/2023 21:22

Not intentionally, we just have a very versatile diet, and i've introduced him to almost everything, and know that common allergens he's not allergic to. I haven't intentionally checked for allergies, as allergies don't run in the family or anything of the sort! just a sort of im usually not fussy with what he eats or doesn't because 1. he's not allergic to anything and 2. he eats and loves everything we've introduced him to!

Show quote history

You phrased it very oddly though as if you deliberately tested him I think you tend to exaggerate which makes the rest hard to judge.

2ndTimeRound90 · 30/01/2023 16:05

People who are being weirded out by the allergens thing maybe just haven't weaned a baby in the last few years? It's now advised to introduce all top allergens ASAP but one at a time so you can 'test' them so I didn't bat an eyelid at OPs mention of that, it's not her being over cautious!

BubziOwl · 30/01/2023 16:31

2ndTimeRound90 · 30/01/2023 16:05

Yeah I agree

aloris · 30/01/2023 16:36

I think when OP says she has tested him for allergens she simply means she has already introduced things like nuts and found he can eat them without allergic reaction, so she doesn't really restrict what others can feed him. If the doctor has instructed that no sugar is to be fed while the child is on antibiotics for thrush, then obviously the MIL should obey that, and, if she cannot, it's not on OP to look the other way when MIL disobeys a doctor instruction simply because she heard it from OP rather than directly from the doctor or OP's dh.

Slowingdownagain · 30/01/2023 16:38

she will give him an endless amount of espresso.

what?! that's insane. And clearly not ok.

But overall I do think you seem very anxious about what he eats - testing him for all allergens?! odd.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/01/2023 17:22

Can we clarify that the OP said that her MiL gives her son "a couple of spoonfuls" whenever she, the MiL, has a coffee. That could be 1 cup per day or 10 cups but he seems to get some every time.

Is that right @siennamariee?

If it is, then that is your 'Get out of Jail Free' card right there. You've asked and told her not to give him any and she ignores you.

My advice is to find independent childcare if you can and send your son to them instead. Let Granny Coffeedrinker be just that, Granny. No more requirements to negotiate with her about what is and isn't allowed because you'll always be there when you're visiting.

jannier · 30/01/2023 19:53

2ndTimeRound90 · 30/01/2023 16:05

It's the way she phrased it like paid for tests.

takealettermsjones · 30/01/2023 20:00

I was the one who said the post screams overprotective parent, I'm not weirded out by it and it's OP's right to be as protective as she wants!

But to explain, it wasn't just the allergens thing (I have weaned a child in the last two years, and I also made sure I was doing single foods at first, etc). It was more that she said she wasn't overprotective about three times in the first paragraph, she talked about allergens and reactions when the baby is one (I would have expected the allergy- testing stage at 6-7 months and then move on), and she also said she is now getting more comfortable with him just being "around" others, not necessarily left with them/fed by them.

It was just a vibe I got, I may of course be way off base!

ITryHarder · 18/03/2023 19:25

Giving the baby coffee or anything really, or something to any child that the parent has said no to, is brazen and completely wrong even if it's something that is probably harmless. Parents may not always know what's best, but they do make the rules where their child is concerned, and MIL needs to be told that. Gently at first, and next time firmly, and then, don't go back if you're continuously disregarded.

And the first time she went against my doctor's instructions, she wouldn't see DS again until he was well.

It might help to always have a favorite treat with you that the DS likes and you approve. Maybe he'll ignore her.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 18/03/2023 19:31

Op is entitled to dictate what her dc consumes.. As a dgm she needs to listen or fuck off imo. My mil had some fucking weird ideas and she didn't have dc unsupervised until I left dh...

tenterden · 18/03/2023 19:32

YANBU.

Espresso!!!?????

ThinWomansBrain · 18/03/2023 19:35

Just tell her you don't trust her to have him alone because she faild to respect boundaries when you're there.

Laptopneeded · 18/03/2023 20:11

Lots of info on weaning warns parents to be careful in case of allergies.

Re "have you posted before about Mil giving child coffee and cakes".

Unfortunately a huge flash point between family is feeding foods that the dm is not happy with.

Boundaries and everything like that and unfortunately the people who do what they like without thought... Are usually the bombastic type who don't like to listen or be told anything either

SallyWD · 18/03/2023 21:34

Does she really give him endless amounts of expresso?! I think most one year old would be absolutely disgusted by the bitter taste and not accept any more.

But yes, it does sound like she doesn't respect your rules and that's not on.

Flip

1 2