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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé’s stag / bachelor party

30 replies

OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 18:44

Hi all

I am getting married in December and my fiancés friends are starting to plan his stag weekend for this summer.

It will likely be a weekend away somewhere with all of his friends plus his “brother in laws” on his side (sisters partners). He hasn’t mentioned inviting my brother.
By background they aren’t close at all and rarely see eachother as we live in different cities. My brother is pretty anxious and struggles with his confidence and usually has to have a good drink to come out of his shell. Therefore I don’t know if he would want to go anyway, especially as he wouldn’t know anyone but I also don’t want his feelings hurt as the other BILs are invited. I’m torn as I know my fiancé would probably feel like he has to look after him all weekend and as I said they aren’t close.

Also, to add that my fiancé will also probably do a “home” stag with friends plus family such as his stepdad, and my dad, so my brother would of course be invited to this one (and more likely to go as he will have my dad there).

Should I ask him first if he would even want to go to the weekend away before mentioning it to fiancé?

Thanks

OP posts:
Youcangoyourownwayyyy · 28/01/2023 18:47

No

Original poster
OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 18:52

No what 😂

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 28/01/2023 18:55

you can suggest him askig but if he doesnt wantto you cant insist

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/01/2023 18:56

The stag / hen is usually for your closest friends, isn’t it? I don’t know anyone who’s invited their partner’s siblings to theirs unless they were actually good friends.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 28/01/2023 18:59

No.

At the risk of sounding rude, I think it sounds like your brother may need a bit of babysitting from the only person who knows him (your DH). Stag do should be about your DH relaxing and enjoying himself. Having to navigate quiet people can be very hard especially over a full weekend. Definitely don’t invite people on his behalf! Imagine if he did that to you.

Original poster
OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 19:02

No it’s not rude I understand where you’re coming from. I also worry as he can get so drunk sometimes (as a way of increasing his confidence) and that wouldn’t be ideal either.

I am inviting his sister and brother (gay) as we are quite close and they are also my bridesmaids/brides man. I just really don’t want my brother to feel totally left out as he’s not a groomsman (which is fair enough) but I just keep comparing

OP posts:
Original poster
OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 19:03

Sorry that should of said “im invited my fiancé sister and brother to my hen”

OP posts:
TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 28/01/2023 19:03

I’d just leave it OP. If he feels left out then so be it, you can’t manage the emotions and feelings of grown men. Just stop worrying and enjoy your wedding planning!

drpet49 · 28/01/2023 19:09

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 28/01/2023 18:59

No.

At the risk of sounding rude, I think it sounds like your brother may need a bit of babysitting from the only person who knows him (your DH). Stag do should be about your DH relaxing and enjoying himself. Having to navigate quiet people can be very hard especially over a full weekend. Definitely don’t invite people on his behalf! Imagine if he did that to you.

This. Leave it alone OP.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 28/01/2023 19:09

The only way you could stop your brother from feeling left out is by inviting him to your hen do. You’ve already got one man coming; so it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to have another.

Otherwise, you can’t force your fiancé to invite him; ESPECIALLY if he’d need babysitting from your fiancé… and I suspect your brother might already be aware that he’s unlikely to get an invite, if he’s not at all involved in any groomsmen activities.

Original poster
OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 19:14

Well he will be invited to the “home” stag which will just be a night out with our dads included so he will be fine with this

OP posts:
GoodChat · 28/01/2023 19:18

It's your partners stag do - for his friends.
You're inviting his family because you're close, not because you think you should.

mymeatballsmymeatballs · 28/01/2023 19:19

If he wasn't having a home stag, I'd say invite him to the weekend but seeing as he is and your brother will be invited to that, surely he won't feel left out. So I'd say just leave it as it is. If your brother does say anything about the weekend, explain that you didn't think he'd want to go anyway etc.

Original poster
OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 19:21

Thanks for your comments. I think I’m only worrying as the other Bro in laws are invited but fiancé has known one since he was a teen and sees the other regularly

OP posts:
secretllama · 28/01/2023 19:49

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/01/2023 18:56

The stag / hen is usually for your closest friends, isn’t it? I don’t know anyone who’s invited their partner’s siblings to theirs unless they were actually good friends.

This is another time when MN is the complete opposite to my life. Every hen/stag I know they would be invited.

Youcangoyourownwayyyy · 28/01/2023 20:57

Should I ask him first if he would even want to go to the weekend away before mentioning it to fiancé?

No

toastofthetown · 28/01/2023 21:06

OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 19:21

Thanks for your comments. I think I’m only worrying as the other Bro in laws are invited but fiancé has known one since he was a teen and sees the other regularly

I'm really confused about who is invited? Are your dad or any siblings or cousins of yours invited (basically, anyone in the same group as your brother)? If so, maybe your fiancé should consider inviting him to the stag. If not and he's just inviting his side of the family (and I think this is what you mean by other in-laws) and his friends then he's done nothing wrong. There's no equivalence between one's partner's siblings and siblings' partners in terms of invitations as your brother probably isn't close with these people.

Original poster
OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 21:09

Sorry if it was confusing! No, no one from my side of the family - just his friends and sisters partners.

Other family members (from both sides) will likely be invited to the “home” stag night out such as dads, my brother etc. so he will be included on this one x

OP posts:
DestinysGrandchild · 28/01/2023 21:57

If he wants to invite your brother then he will. You don't need to get involved.

Rohitstad · 06/02/2023 16:17

This reply has been deleted

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Hillarious · 06/02/2023 16:56

OliviaRose44 · 28/01/2023 19:03

Sorry that should of said “im invited my fiancé sister and brother to my hen”

To quote Sergeant Cawood "Should have, for fuck's sake!"

londonrach · 06/02/2023 17:02

No! It's close male friend s.

Militarywife7 · 06/02/2023 17:03

No I don’t think your partner should have to invite your brother. My now husband didn’t invite my brothers to his stag, not because he didn’t like them or anything weird. He just wanted it to be his friend and to have a good time which makes sense. I did the same myself.

pjmasksitsthepjmasks · 06/02/2023 17:40

I'm not sure it's appropriate to invite a gay man to a hen do tbh. Unless other men are going? He's not a woman, he is a man. Surely he should be going to the stag do, not the hen do?

NamelessTemptress01 · 06/02/2023 18:08

why don’t you ask your fiancé if he is planning to invite your brother!