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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still want to feel 'fancied'

9 replies

chronictonic · 28/01/2023 13:13

Happily married, 15 years together, DC etc.

Sometimes, adult life means there isn't time or inclination for intimacy and we both crack on, always get along, are a great team, great friends etc. And when we do have more intimate phases, sex is great, better than ever in fact.

But, we're not the most 'lovey dovey' on a day to day basis despite the fact that we do deeply love each other.

So, when we are going through a dry patch, I do find myself struggling with not feeling particularly 'fancied'.. and I have been wondering: why?

Why do I care at my age (40) and when I'm happily married?

Do you care about feeling 'fancied'?

I'd obviously like to feel fancied by my DH firstly.. but failing that.. I think if I discovered that someone else fancied me I'd defo enjoy that boost and feeling!

Why is it so important to me? Am I alone in this?

OP posts:
WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 30/01/2023 19:27

Sometimes the patches can make you feel rubbish, but just appreciate that your hubby still fancies you anyway!!

I’m 39 in a couple of weeks and just like you my husband and I go through the same, depending on what’s going on in our lives. it’s just how it can go sometimes 💐

CreepyDibillo · 30/01/2023 20:03

YANBU. I am the wrong side of 40 and used to get a lot of attention when younger. Age, pregnancy and giving birth have all taken their toll on bith my face and figure. DH is wonderful and still makes me feel fancied at home but I do miss a little extra attention, not that I have ever or would ever act on it.
I think it's natural to want to be wanted, it's good for the self esteem.

SunshineThelma · 30/01/2023 20:11

I've recently read 'Mating in Captivity', a book about the dynamics of sexual desire in long partnerships and found it really insightful - it might be worth a read to help you understand this need and communicate about it with your DH.

Original poster
chronictonic · 30/01/2023 20:15

SunshineThelma · 30/01/2023 20:11

I've recently read 'Mating in Captivity', a book about the dynamics of sexual desire in long partnerships and found it really insightful - it might be worth a read to help you understand this need and communicate about it with your DH.

Oh that sounds really interesting - I love reading & understanding relationship dynamics etc so will definitely get this

Thank you @SunshineThelma

OP posts:
Original poster
chronictonic · 30/01/2023 20:16

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 30/01/2023 19:27

Sometimes the patches can make you feel rubbish, but just appreciate that your hubby still fancies you anyway!!

I’m 39 in a couple of weeks and just like you my husband and I go through the same, depending on what’s going on in our lives. it’s just how it can go sometimes 💐

Thanks wotsits

It's always reassuring & comforting to hear others are similar!

OP posts:
Original poster
chronictonic · 30/01/2023 20:17

CreepyDibillo · 30/01/2023 20:03

YANBU. I am the wrong side of 40 and used to get a lot of attention when younger. Age, pregnancy and giving birth have all taken their toll on bith my face and figure. DH is wonderful and still makes me feel fancied at home but I do miss a little extra attention, not that I have ever or would ever act on it.
I think it's natural to want to be wanted, it's good for the self esteem.

Good to hear you feel the similarly @CreepyDibillo
I bet you still look and are a major babe!

OP posts:
CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 30/01/2023 20:19

Everyone is different I suppose. Nothing wrong with you wanting to feel desired if that's where you get your validation from.

I personally couldn't give a shiny shit if a random male found me attractive or not.

Have you looked a bit deeper and thought why you want other men to fancy you? Did you have a positive relationship with your dad when you were a child? How did he treat your mum?

Sorry, I sound like a twatty armchair psychologist 😂.

Original poster
chronictonic · 30/01/2023 22:18

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 30/01/2023 20:19

Everyone is different I suppose. Nothing wrong with you wanting to feel desired if that's where you get your validation from.

I personally couldn't give a shiny shit if a random male found me attractive or not.

Have you looked a bit deeper and thought why you want other men to fancy you? Did you have a positive relationship with your dad when you were a child? How did he treat your mum?

Sorry, I sound like a twatty armchair psychologist 😂.

I don't necessarily want other men to fancy me, i just want to feel like I'm still desirable/attractive some times.. ideally I'd like that to come from my DH first and foremost.

My Dad and I have a wonderful and healthy
Relationship and he and my mum are happily married, and have been for 45 years.

But ofcourse I've definitely questioned why I feel the desire to feel fancied, to need that validation, hence my post.
But I think it's probably as simple as just being human and enjoying a bit of romance
In my life and sometimes missing it?

OP posts:
Tothemoonandbackx · 30/01/2023 23:34

I don't think there would be many of us out there that wouldn't like to feel desired, even if we wouldn't act on it. It's a nice little ego boost, part of nature ☺️

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