To be thinking about death

[Ladymuckmucksin]

i might be very weird but someone I know passed away recently of a disease that they didn’t know they had, and I wondered how I would tell my friends and family if I found out I was terminal?

To add some context my family live about 5 hours away from me and one of my children is NC. How would I tell her or would I even? She doesn’t want to speak to me but should it be left for another relative to tell her something like that?

Another thing is would I travel to tell the family (they don’t visit) or would I call or worse still text? Or would I tell them at all? It feels strange somehow to think about having to travel a long way to go and announce my expected demise.
part of me thinks that it’s no one’s business and I’d just get on with it with my very closest family (dh DS and dd2) Dc are all adult but 2 still live at home.

please be kind I’m honestly no good with these things and I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this but I do wonder what is right or if there isn’t a right or wrong here?

Very few people go from good health to a terminal diagnosis in a very short space of time. I think you’d communicate via your normal method ( phone/ email/ text?) that you were having tests, treatment etc in the first instance.

If the illness progressed hopefully your family would be checking in on you and you’d be sharing the information as a matter of course. If it became terminal then it would be communicated in the same way.

As for the NC child I guess you’d ask another of your DC to let them know and pass on any message you might have for them.

You sound a bit isolated from all of them, maybe it’s a good chance to re-establish more contact while you are feeling this way.

I’m sorry I missed the vital part that you have DH and two DC at home. Do they have contact with the other members of family you are distant from?

@Ladymuckmucksin I think it is natural to do what you are doing following the death of a loved one or even an acquaintance.

As regards how you tell people I’d imagine that is only something that can be addressed in the moment because it is difficult how you know would feel until then.

There is no easy answer with the NC thing. I am NC with my family due to abuse and really ongoing scapegoating abuse of me that they vehemently refuse to acknowledge or change so I wouldn’t want to hear from them and I’d prefer that other family members I’m in touch with told me instead if someone was ill or dying. But obviously I’d really prefer that my family addressed their really deep issues and we could be a family so if there is something for you to address maybe do that instead. But obviously it could be on the other side I don’t know the ins and outs.

DH told people by phone (family were all 3-4 hours away), initially he did the calls then, when he lost his speech, I kept family members in the loop.

I told my kids (3 adult & 1 young teen) in person when I'd had scans & it was suspected cancer. I thought it was easier to tell them step by step, rather than the first they knew being me saying I'm terminal, if it came to that.

I told them individually but couldn't catch eldest dd without her kids, so asked her to call down. She knew I'd been for a colonoscopy & cried before she even got here cos she knew it was connected.

I did text my sister as she lives so far away. I probably should have phoned.

When It was confirmed I'm stage 4 I did just text them all cos it was the quickest way & they all got told at once. They were all waiting for a message as soon as I'd seen the oncologist.

Hopefully, you won't ever be in that situation, & really, you won't know how you feel & will handle it, unless you are.

I was diagnosed with cancer. Although I wasn't terminal, for several weeks before biopsy I didn't know extent of the spread, what stage it was etc. I feared I was terminal. I told my mum by phone (she told my dad), then I texted my brothers and a couple of my closest friends. I explicitly told everyone (except my mum) not to call me because I really didn't want to have loads of conversations about it. I was too scared to keep talking about it and wanted quiet time to process the shock - the fact I had cancer and 2 very young children.
My family live all over the UK and abroad. There was no way I was going travel around telling people this news face to face. I was far too mentally exhausted to do that.

Thank you all for helping me. I think I’m just coming to terms with everything and hopefully no I won’t have to be in this situation in the near future or maybe ever. You just never know do you. I’m always one who wonders what might be expected of me or what’s the right way to do things but I think in that situation perhaps there is no right or wrong. Much love to those of you who are going through something like I’ve imagined x