Living with extended family

[Pancake2463]

DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years. We have a DD nearly a year old.

My family is relocating. They have lived in a different country for a while now. My family meaning my parents and siblings in their teens.

So while they get set up I hear that my mum is planning on asking me if we can live with my siblings aged 16 and 17 (my brother and sister) until they get settled into a property of their own.

I am finding this so stressful to think about it as I feel I am in a difficult place. On one hand I would like to help but I think it would bring in some added stress into my life with my husband and baby. Although I potentially have some baby sitters to an extent as they are young themselves.

I fear my husband and I will not have our own space/privacy that we have had to ourselves.

My little sister often wears very revealing clothes which may be uncomfortable for my husband and I.

I live in a 3 bedroomed house. One bedroom is shared by my husband and I. The other my daughter sleeps in. She wakes very easily and I don't imagine she can share bedroom.

My siblings are used to having my parents do everything for them around the house but I don't think they would protest too much if I showed them.

This arrangement may end up being permanent if not managed well.

My husband and I are really not keen but feels like we can't say no. I feel so bad even having these thoughts. I do feel like they could end up causing tension with my husband or with my parents if I say no.

You must put your nuclear family first.

It’s a difficult situation but you need to say no

If it is just the siblings and they can share a room, I think it would be quite unkind to say no for what would I presume be a very short term stay. Neither DH nor I have any particularly close family but I would not refuse a request like that. If it is all four of them, then you say no as it is too many people for that size of house.

Tell your family you and DH sleep separately so the other isn't disturbed by nightly waking, and set up the spare room accordingly. Problem solved.

The whole scenario sounds odd. Why is your family planning on relocating without proper housing? You say "different country" - is this an intercontinental move, as otherwise I can't see a good reason for this? And if so, do you come from a background where living with family is a cultural norm?

Unless it's for a week or two, I'd say no.

Where are your parents going to live? Why aren’t your teen siblings going to live with them?

Do either of you WFH? If so that’s your 3rd bedroom’s use.

Just say no and explain why.

If you hadn't said this This arrangement may end up being permanent if not managed well. Then I would say tell them yes but for 4 weeks max but since you don't trust that they will stick to it it seems like the best thing to do is to say no.

How do they see it working? I doubt that 16/17 yr old s of different sex will want to share a bedroom. So do they expect to take 2 out of the 3 bedrooms in your house? Or one sleeps in the lounge? (If so where's their privacy etc?)

Who pays for their food and essentials? If they're studying, will you be responsible for them? Can they get around or will you need to drive them places?

These are the things I'd be discussing before any agreement is made. I'm not suggesting a blanket no, but it wouldn't be fair to anyone to go into it without knowing what "it" is.

Where on earth do they expect to fit? Teen girl and boy and parents can hardly stay in one room for any length of time. I don't see the issue in what your sister wears, but staying for anything more than a couple of nights seems ott.

my mum is planning on asking me if we can live with my siblings aged 16 and 17

That’s phrased in an unusual way. Do you mean your siblings would both move into your house? How many bedrooms do you have? Where would they go to school? Why can’t they stay with your parents like everyone else does when they move?

If you have any doubts, refuse.
Your reasons for being uncomfortable with the thought of it are valid, and if you ignore those feelings you'll kick yourself.
Your DM might ask, but you have every right to shut down the suggestion.

I would probably say yes, not sure where they would both sleep. I dunno I would though. Family is family and also extra pairs of hands with a baby is nice and reduces the pressure.

I like the communal living idea of yesteryear though.

Why ..why would this be needed
millions of families move house every day ,and don’t need their teenagers looked after by family members
I think your being set up and used
I see this being for a long time

Which is mostly a fantasy. Nuclear families have been the norm for a very long time, with maybe lodgers if you needed cash. Older parents occasionally. Siblings occasionally but there are ample examples in literature and law of it going wrong.

Why are your parents relocating without organising accommodation in advance? Do they want to move to the same area as you? Also assume your siblings are still in school so do they intend for that to be in a school in your catchment? They can’t stay with you long-term without organising their education, whether that be school, college/Uni or they get jobs.

I think you need to be very careful here as from your comment that it could be permanent sounds like you don’t trust your parents to take responsibility for their own teenage DC and they just want to dump them on you. I’d say no to them staying any more than a week - your own family must come first. They had DC, they have to look after them and put them first in this move just like you are putting your DC first.

Your parents need to parent their own teen children, not foist them on you.

I can’t believe you are even thinking of saying yes.