DP not telling me he’s not coming home

7whiteclouds · 2023-01-27T23:48:50+00:00

DP and I haven’t been on the best terms for the past week or so. (An element of stonewalling on his behalf). He told me a few days ago that he was going out for food with his friends tonight and IF it was going to be a late one, then he was going to stay overnight at a relatives house that lives closer to where he was going out. (we live approx 20 mins away) slight back story - he has narcissistic traits and it isn’t the best quality of relationship. so he’s gone out tonight after work, hasn’t spoken to me, hasn’t messaged (even to ask how the kids are) and clearly has no intention to have any contact with me. Usually when he goes out with friends, I’ll still get some messages from him checking I’m okay/kids are okay etc. I feel like he’s playing games. In the past I would have been incredibly anxious by this point and would have messaged him by now just to have some contact. Tonight is completely different. I could not care less whether he comes home or not. I’m over it all. I’m done with his (sometimes) narcissistic ways and the control it has over me. I just don’t know how to deal with it tomorrow. do I bring up the fact that he hasn’t contacted me and didn’t tell me that he wasn’t coming home and it was out of order to do so? (Probably the reaction he’s looking for?) or do I not even bring it up or mention it? And make out that it hasn’t even bothered me. AIBU to think he’s out of order to not even confirm that he’s not coming home or to message to check how I/kids are?

Toomuchinfor · 27/01/2023 23:50

Why are you still thinking about how to interact if you're emotionally over it. It's not your problem anymore. Do whatever's necessary for a quiet house for the kids until you take next steps.

Glorianna · 27/01/2023 23:52

Stonewalling is emotional abuse. It’s good you don’t care and are ignorimg him.

Ignore him back.

Why are you still with him?

MahMahMahMahCorona · 27/01/2023 23:52

I personally would lock up for the night and go to bed. He's already told you what he's doing, staying elsewhere. Sounds like the relationship would be best off over. Just make sure the children completely ruin him and his hangover when he gets back tomorrow by doing normal children things.

Shauna27 · 27/01/2023 23:53

I can completely relate to this. Even though every part of me would want to scream "how dare you go off the radar like that, you are a grown man with children etc etc", i think that's exactly the type of reaction they thrive on. The best thing you can do is stay calm, act like you're totally over it and It will really shock him and probably scare him that you're no longer giving him the reaction he sets out for. Watch him come crawling back to you - the less you show that it affects you, the more it will affect him.

Youtoldmeonce · 27/01/2023 23:55

I think I would be quite upbeat when he arrives home, smile say hello did you have a nice night out.
But you really need to think about your future with him-sorry.

Roundabout78 · 27/01/2023 23:56

Difficult one.
i wouldn’t ever text my husband to ask how the kids were if I was out for dinner with friends. So that alone wouldn’t bother me. But not telling you he’s staying out isn’t fair. Also, if you would usually have regular contact and he’s purposely ignoring you, I’d have an issue with that. I wouldn’t give him the reaction her wants- ignore.

Original poster

7whiteclouds · 28/01/2023 00:44

Glorianna · 27/01/2023 23:52

Stonewalling is emotional abuse. It’s good you don’t care and are ignorimg him.

Ignore him back.

Why are you still with him?

Thank you. I shall do. It’s taken a long time to get to this point of being able to just ignore!

the lifestyle of the children and I would massively change; I’d be at risk of losing our home, my career plans would be at risk and financially it would be a problem. I’m paving the way though - so for now, if I’m completely truthful, it’s a case of damage limitation.

OP posts:

Original poster

7whiteclouds · 28/01/2023 00:49

Shauna27 · 27/01/2023 23:53

I can completely relate to this. Even though every part of me would want to scream "how dare you go off the radar like that, you are a grown man with children etc etc", i think that's exactly the type of reaction they thrive on. The best thing you can do is stay calm, act like you're totally over it and It will really shock him and probably scare him that you're no longer giving him the reaction he sets out for. Watch him come crawling back to you - the less you show that it affects you, the more it will affect him.

Thank you, I was hoping someone would say this as I imagined that this would be the case. He would normally get a reaction from me and expects that reaction from me… and I’m wanting to act in a way that he doesn’t expect.
thanks for the reassurance!

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 26/02/2023 13:23

The man told you in advance that he would stay over with a relative if things ran late. He didn't t just go off of the radar screen. If I were out for an evening, I would not text the other perfectly competent parent to inquire about the kids. If I had left the kids with a sitter , I would inquire but otherwise not.

I have no idea what your other threads might say, but from this thread I gather that you are living with a man who provides a satisfactory home, financial security for you and your children, provides a living arrangement that allows you to pursue your educational goals , and one who informed you that if his evening ran over that he would stay with relatives. On the whole , it is hard to see about what you have to complain. Was there a problem with the kids? Were your kids not in your very capable hands? Do you not both assume the other to be capable of managing the home front when the other is away for several hours or even longer?

Do you think that he was out cheating? My guess is that a cheater would likely have checked in to avoid creating suspicion.

In your place I would act like someone who's partner spent an evening out and ended it by doing exactly what he said he would do if it ran over. Were you are the kids impacted in some negative way because he failed to text? Does he insist that you text when you are out doing other things? Does he immediately jump to conclusions or become angry if you fail to text while out with friends?
Are there usually problems with the kids such that he would be concerned about their well-being?

Ecdysiast · 30/03/2023 14:43

Mari9999 · 26/02/2023 13:23

The man told you in advance that he would stay over with a relative if things ran late. He didn't t just go off of the radar screen. If I were out for an evening, I would not text the other perfectly competent parent to inquire about the kids. If I had left the kids with a sitter , I would inquire but otherwise not.

I have no idea what your other threads might say, but from this thread I gather that you are living with a man who provides a satisfactory home, financial security for you and your children, provides a living arrangement that allows you to pursue your educational goals , and one who informed you that if his evening ran over that he would stay with relatives. On the whole , it is hard to see about what you have to complain. Was there a problem with the kids? Were your kids not in your very capable hands? Do you not both assume the other to be capable of managing the home front when the other is away for several hours or even longer?

Do you think that he was out cheating? My guess is that a cheater would likely have checked in to avoid creating suspicion.

In your place I would act like someone who's partner spent an evening out and ended it by doing exactly what he said he would do if it ran over. Were you are the kids impacted in some negative way because he failed to text? Does he insist that you text when you are out doing other things? Does he immediately jump to conclusions or become angry if you fail to text while out with friends?
Are there usually problems with the kids such that he would be concerned about their well-being?

@Mari9999 Seriously, you think that's reasonable behaviour?

Shz · 30/03/2023 21:52

I wouldn’t bring it up - if you’re over the relationship (fair if this is how he behaves ongoing) then focus your time and energy on yourself and your kids.

If you are in UK Womens Aid would be helpful to speak with

ThinWomansBrain · 30/03/2023 21:56

he said he'd probably stay over with a relative.
still sounds a twat though.
use the evening on your own to research a decent divorce lawyer

DustyLee123 · 30/03/2023 21:58

I wouldn’t bother reacting to him. Normally I’d say play the long game and get your ducks in a row, but it sounds like you’re already doing that.

Dontbelieveaword · 30/03/2023 22:09

Mari9999 · 26/02/2023 13:23

The man told you in advance that he would stay over with a relative if things ran late. He didn't t just go off of the radar screen. If I were out for an evening, I would not text the other perfectly competent parent to inquire about the kids. If I had left the kids with a sitter , I would inquire but otherwise not.

I have no idea what your other threads might say, but from this thread I gather that you are living with a man who provides a satisfactory home, financial security for you and your children, provides a living arrangement that allows you to pursue your educational goals , and one who informed you that if his evening ran over that he would stay with relatives. On the whole , it is hard to see about what you have to complain. Was there a problem with the kids? Were your kids not in your very capable hands? Do you not both assume the other to be capable of managing the home front when the other is away for several hours or even longer?

Do you think that he was out cheating? My guess is that a cheater would likely have checked in to avoid creating suspicion.

In your place I would act like someone who's partner spent an evening out and ended it by doing exactly what he said he would do if it ran over. Were you are the kids impacted in some negative way because he failed to text? Does he insist that you text when you are out doing other things? Does he immediately jump to conclusions or become angry if you fail to text while out with friends?
Are there usually problems with the kids such that he would be concerned about their well-being?

🙄hahaha I've not seen a 'you should be grateful you've got a man who provides for you' reply in...God, maybe half an hour. What a refreshing change

Dontbelieveaword · 30/03/2023 22:13

I'd return the favour, arrange a night out with someone who lives 20 mins a way (I mean, I don't know about where you live but I can't possibly find a taxi who would drive that far 🤔), tell him that day that you might be having a late one, more than the drink drive limit and you'll probably be staying out, get yourself dressed to the nines, sweetly kiss him goodbye and go have a fun night

Newyearnewhome · 30/03/2023 22:24

I’d ignore it if I were you. I don’t mean some kind of elaborate sulking. Just show no emotional reaction- it’ll really burst his bubble.

he is doing it to wind you up. He will try to get you to say you were upset, but just pretend you didn’t notice. If he brings it up just say ‘ you said you were staying out, why would I text/be upset/worry? ‘

me and the kids had a great time doing ‘X’

it Will really fuck him off.

longer term though, this isn’t sustainable. Who wants to play games with their partner? It’s one thing to use these strategies with troublesome colleagues, quite another to your nearest and dearest. You need to come up with an exit plan. People like him only get worse.

Mari9999 · 31/03/2023 00:37

@Ecdysiast
I do not think that it is unreasonable to think that your children are in capable hands when you leave them with their other parent.

The reasonableness of adult behavior between 2 adults depends on so many factors and is largely determined by the normal interactions between the 2 adults. The partner told the OP that he might end up staying out over night. If he is inclined to drink and not want to drive, a reasonable decision would involve exercising the option that involved not driving.

The OP had no real reason to be concerned about the adult partner. Both of them, knew that the children were in good hands, and it is a bit disingenuous to pretend that 2 adults who are obviously not on the best of terms will be particularly given to making a check in call to inquire about the status of the other adult when there is no reason to think that anything might be amiss.

MissingMoominMamma · 31/03/2023 00:41

Ignore him back.

Dontbelieveaword · 31/03/2023 00:42

Mari9999 · 31/03/2023 00:37

@Ecdysiast
I do not think that it is unreasonable to think that your children are in capable hands when you leave them with their other parent.

The reasonableness of adult behavior between 2 adults depends on so many factors and is largely determined by the normal interactions between the 2 adults. The partner told the OP that he might end up staying out over night. If he is inclined to drink and not want to drive, a reasonable decision would involve exercising the option that involved not driving.

The OP had no real reason to be concerned about the adult partner. Both of them, knew that the children were in good hands, and it is a bit disingenuous to pretend that 2 adults who are obviously not on the best of terms will be particularly given to making a check in call to inquire about the status of the other adult when there is no reason to think that anything might be amiss.

😂You make me laugh @Mari9999 . Don't be giving up the day job to become a women's aid counsellor or anything though, you old feminist you

Mari9999 · 31/03/2023 01:42

@Dontbelieveaword

I would advise women to become fully self supporting and capable of adequately supporting a child before deciding to have children. There is nothing particularly admirable in having children for whom you can only provide love and care.

It is very depressing to hear a woman say that I am staying with this unhappy situation because without this man I will have no home, have to stop my education, and have no way of supporting myself or my children.

There is no drum roll for the sisterhood in that situation, and no real reason to feel morally superior to the partner who too may love his children and actually prepared to adequately provide for them before having them.

I see 2 equally flawed individuals each thinking that their flaws and shortcomings are less offensive than that of the other partner.

Does you support for feminism include a belief that woman need to become capable and financially independent before choosing to have children?

TeaAndTattoos · 31/03/2023 01:54

You lock up for the night go to bed and say nothing when he gets home tomorrow that will throw him for a loop because he will be expecting you to message him like you would normally when he does this kind of thing and he knows you will ask him about it when he gets home it’s a control thing and he won’t know what to do if you slowly start taking back control. It’s time to start getting your ducks in row ready to leave him.