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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting frustrated with husband over feeding baby

30 replies

Austin0210 · 27/01/2023 22:23

My DC is 10 weeks old and hasn't been putting on enough weight (dropped a couple centiles) GP and HV are both involved and have been suggesting alternative milks etc to help with sickness, I feel like I'm constantly feeding every other hour at the moment in the hopes that they keep it down.
I feel like I'm the only person concerned about this and I'm being irrational in regards to making sure she is fed! My husband will just give up if she kicks up a fuss or is sleeping so she ends up missing the feed. What really annoys me is when he's feeding her and he's either on his phone or glued to the TV... Doesn't notice that milk is pouring out the side of her mouth or she's gulping/gagging. It infuriates me.
I've spoken to him about it and even given him tips on how to wake her up, granted it doesn't always work but it's not a 1 minute try then don't bother type thing. He seems to take it in but when I next look at him he's sat there with the bottle in hand, baby asleep and watching the TV. I end up taking her and feeding her just because I know if I don't it pushes her back hours when she could have another feed in that time. If she wasn't on a weight gaining mission I wouldn't take her and I'd leave her with him to sort out but I feel like this is important and needs to be taken seriously.
Am I being an arsehole getting annoyed at this? Just feel like he needs to take more responsibility for his daughter's health and not just thinking it's all good and she's fine.

Bit more context, she went from 50th to 9th centile and is verging on the 2nd. She gets sick after feeds, screams etc. We've tried infacol, anti reflux milk and now on lactose free as GP thinks it could be a potential intolerance.. I feel like it's the only thing I think about and it's driving me crazy

OP posts:
watchfulwishes · 27/01/2023 22:27

You're not an arsehole for wanting to share the burden of worrying about this.

He needs to feed her in a different place, without the TV, where he gives the task/baby full attention. If he won't do that, you will have to do it I guess but consider telling him to fuck off permanently!

BabyOnBoard90 · 27/01/2023 22:40

I think if the situation is that dire I would prioritise the infant and do all the feeds to ensure the baby gains weight.

The husband is a secondary issue it seems. Newborns are tough and often more difficult than people anticipate. He's struggling, as are you by sounds of it.

Focus on the baby. And communicate your feelings from a space that's likely to gain decent reception.

Kizzy192 · 27/01/2023 23:04

Having a newborn is tough, especially with the extra complications. Honestly I would come to terms with the fact you're going to have to take this battle on yourself. Hard and unfair, I know. When things have settled and baby is better, approach it then. You'll both be less emotional and tired. I know that is really unfair, but baby comes first right now. Hope all is on the up from here x

sunseaandme · 27/01/2023 23:11

I completely understand. I have a 5 month old who is also dropping centiles and is also suspected for cows milk allergy - babies weight gain is important and I think YANBU

SarahAndQuack · 27/01/2023 23:15

WTF? His daughter is losing weight as a newborn and he can't be arsed to turn the TV off?

That isn't ok. You are not being unreasonable at all. To me, it sounds really worrying that he doesn't notice her gagging on milk. That could be dangerous.

I'm not excusing him (in fact I am quite shocked by him), but does he understand how serious this is? He can't be trusted with a tiny baby if he's ignoring that baby while watching TV. He also doesn't seem to understand that it really matters if a newborn loses too much weight. Has your HV spoken to him at all?

BatshitBanshee · 27/01/2023 23:19

when he's feeding her and he's either on his phone or glued to the TV... Doesn't notice that milk is pouring out the side of her mouth or she's gulping/gagging.

At that point, I'd be taking the baby off him and smashing him with the bottle. How fucking careless can one man be - this is disgusting, your daughter's weight has dropped quite a bit and feeds are important. To not notice when she's gulping or gagging - what the fuck???

I'd take over all feeds and tell him to grow the fuck up. This is too important to have him half arse an attempt at playing a piss poor version of a dad.

Cats23 · 27/01/2023 23:20

My DD sounds the same as your is.

She was lactose intolerant, as soom as switched milk, she put on weight so quickly and wasn't sick- Took 4 months to sort out!

Your Dh needs to step up - Not sure how that can be done but I hope he listens to you soon.

Ihatethenewlook · 27/01/2023 23:21

Your newborn daughter is choking and he’s sat on his phone? What’s wrong with the pair of you?

SarahAndQuack · 27/01/2023 23:24

BabyOnBoard90 · 27/01/2023 22:40

I think if the situation is that dire I would prioritise the infant and do all the feeds to ensure the baby gains weight.

The husband is a secondary issue it seems. Newborns are tough and often more difficult than people anticipate. He's struggling, as are you by sounds of it.

Focus on the baby. And communicate your feelings from a space that's likely to gain decent reception.

Um, it doesn't sound like the DH is struggling? It sounds as if he's having a nice peaceful time on his phone or watching TV, while he doesn't notice what's going on with his newborn child.

Babooshka1990 · 27/01/2023 23:59

I think you need to take over all feeds and tell him it’s because he isn’t doing it properly and is endangering her health. I would also consider asking him to leave or taking the baby to stay with family, as I wouldn’t want to be around him. Sounds like he couldn’t take care of a cat let alone a newborn. Sorry op you must be gutted.

My baby lost allot of weight too (went from 50th percentile to 9th), he was exclusively breastfed so I did all feeds. My DP was
asking how much he’d fed constantly though and tracking weight gain.

EVHead · 28/01/2023 00:02

FFS I’d be telling him to wake the fuck up and take fatherhood seriously and feed his fucking child. 😡

7whiteclouds · 28/01/2023 00:12

I wouldn’t be happy with him either!

in regards to the milk, if you don’t start to see a difference after 5 days or so on the lactose free milk, I would go back to your GP and push for an extensively hydrolysed prescription milk such as nutramigen.

cows milk protein allergy’s are far more common in newborns; lactose intolerance is actually very rare. Very few health professionals know much about cows milk protein allergies and always assume lactose intolerance because they clearly don’t read the prescribing guidelines. Lactose free milk is supposed to be a last resort.

it sounds to me like she may have a cows milk protein allergy (it usually begins to resolve as the baby turns 2/3/4yrs)

if a milk for CMPA seems to work but she still continues to be sick (but other symptoms are reducing) then she may need a thickener added to the milk such as infant gaviscon or carobel.

good luck, I hope she starts to improve soon.

Original poster
Austin0210 · 28/01/2023 02:36

The pair of us?... Wow

OP posts:
Original poster
Austin0210 · 28/01/2023 02:41

Thanks everyone, I am feeling really overwhelmed by this as thought I was iver exaggerating how important getting her weight up is. Glad I'm not and you all seem to agree that it is important!
Interesting about the cows milk allergy, I have an appointment on Monday so if no change I'll push for that. Weigh in on Tuesday with the healthvisitor so I'm just really hoping she's gained enough weight, feel like a bit of a failure at the minute with it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Austin0210 · 28/01/2023 02:43

Ihatethenewlook · 27/01/2023 23:21

Your newborn daughter is choking and he’s sat on his phone? What’s wrong with the pair of you?

The pair of us? Wow... Thanks 🖕

OP posts:
Glitterstars · 28/01/2023 02:55

I feel your pain and it is really hard when your dealing with it in your own sounds like your partner doesn’t understand the seriousness of it, when my little girl was a baby she dropped centiles too not as many as she was born on 25th but was still put on a feeding plan. She was never diagnosed with anything she just did not like feeding it would appear she would scream when we would try and feed her it was very stressful giving her bottles and she dropped them very quickly and by the time she was 13 months she was having no milk and we had to increase her dairy intake with other foods. Hence now with my 3 month old I has persevered with the breastfeeding as bottle feeding actually gives me anxiety cos of how bad she was. He is also a fussy little one as now so causing me stress I think I neeed to accept my babies just don’t want to feed a lot but he’s also dropped centiles and being weighed more frequently .

iminvestednow · 28/01/2023 03:01

Are you Breastfeeding or bottle? As husband is limited help in first. Babies expected to drop slightly after birth then regain the weight if this is worrying??

try not to worry too much, if there was cause for concern you midwife would point it out. Is she thriving? Then relax….

NotSummerYet · 28/01/2023 03:11

@iminvestednow did you even actually bother to read the OP's post?

atoxk · 28/01/2023 03:11

Don't be mad at him. If he doesn't care then be mad, but he probably does, just men are different, this is why naturally women have babies and breast feed and connect to babies, but men aren't the same. Doesn't mean they are rubbish. But you can't expect anyone to mother your child like you would do, the best parents work on teamwork

Jadviga · 28/01/2023 03:14

At first you said she had "dropped a couple centiles" so I thought you were worrying about nothing, because it sounded like she'd gone from 51st to maybe 48th or something like that.

But if she's gone from 50th to below the 10th that is really concerning and your partner is being a dangerously oblivious arse. Especially after you've already pointed out to him how vital this is.

Unfortunately, as it sounds like he's not taking it on board, the only solution is for you to do all the feeds, at least until she is steadily gaining weight.

However, since you'll be doing that, I'd let him do everything else. And I do mean everything. If he can't feed the baby maybe he can at least do the laundry, groceries and cooking (and if he can't at least that won't put anyone's life in danger).

wombat1a · 28/01/2023 04:06

Do you really want to be 'the baby expert'? If you take over all feeding now then you will be taking over everything for the next 18 years too. Turn the TV off, take the phone away and leave him to it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/01/2023 04:09

Jadviga · 28/01/2023 03:14

At first you said she had "dropped a couple centiles" so I thought you were worrying about nothing, because it sounded like she'd gone from 51st to maybe 48th or something like that.

But if she's gone from 50th to below the 10th that is really concerning and your partner is being a dangerously oblivious arse. Especially after you've already pointed out to him how vital this is.

Unfortunately, as it sounds like he's not taking it on board, the only solution is for you to do all the feeds, at least until she is steadily gaining weight.

However, since you'll be doing that, I'd let him do everything else. And I do mean everything. If he can't feed the baby maybe he can at least do the laundry, groceries and cooking (and if he can't at least that won't put anyone's life in danger).

This. Say you will doing all the feeding, because he's incapable of safely looking after his DD. But he can clean, cook, do laundry, everything else.

somuchtolearnabout · 28/01/2023 04:25

Lactose free milk won’t change anything. Lactose intolerance and cows milk protein allergy are two completely different things, lactose is the sugar in dairy products and an intolerance is simply the inability to properly digest this. It’s rarely outgrown the % of babies with a genuine intolerance to lactose is staggeringly low <1%. In contrast, cows milk protein allergy is incredibly common in newborns and is an allergy to the protein found in cows milk products. There are varying levels of allergy unlike lactose intolerance, as in some babies can tolerate baked milk products but not raw milk products. Some studies suggest up to 8% of newborns suffer with it but the vast majority outgrow it in infancy / early childhood. Depending on the severity of the allergy it can in almost all cases be managed with either extensively hydrolysed milks where the protein is broken down in such a way that the body doesn’t recognise it as milk proteins (such as similac alimentum or nutramigen) and for babies with severe allergies, amino acid based milks which contain no milk proteins whatsoever.

It astonishes me how many medical professionals STILL don’t know the difference between “lactose intolerance” and “CMPA” in young babies when it can be so so dangerous for them.

Your GP can refer you to a community dietician who will prescribe CMPA milks for you to trial and see which works best for her. Good luck

(ps your husband sounds like a lazy sod)

mathanxiety · 28/01/2023 04:31

He's being a massive tit. Wtf is he thinking Angry. You can't depend on him at all. He's drawing attention and energy that you need for the baby.

You need to do all the feedings.

mathanxiety · 28/01/2023 04:33

And YYY you need to look at CMPA as a matter of urgency.

It's getting to critical stage for your baby.