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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dp out of order or aibu

26 replies

Navigatingarelationship · 27/01/2023 19:01

I've been with dp a few months but we've known each other for some years.

I haven't driven for a long time but recently had some refresher lessons. Instructor thinks I'm fine and just need to practice. I haven't got my own car yet due to money and other factors.

Dp recently put me on his car insurance. We have talked before about me building up confidence in his car and in theory it's a good idea.

The problem is dp isn't the most patient of people. He gets a bit stressy with me sometimes. He's not abusive at all but when under pressure he can snap.

I was in an abusive marriage years ago so am hyper vigilant to criticism.

We talked about me driving dp's car today. I asked him to be gentle with me and only make comments when needed as I don't want to feel I'm on a driving test when I get in the car with him. Dp responded that it would be better to make some comments rather than having to shout at me when I 'cock it up.' I responded that if he shouted at me I'd stop the car and refuse to drive it. He didn't respond to this. Neither of us like conflict though.

Was he fair to say that or am I being too sensitive? I understand shouting if there was an emergency I.e I was about to hit a car, but not for making a mistake. I know if he shouted I'd feel really upset and anxious. I'm just wondering if I'm over thinking this due to my past. I'm really worried that he isn't very patient.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 27/01/2023 19:36

Can you go out alone in it? It would be better practice that way.

You don't sound compatible car mates. No judgement, it's just best to acknowledge now.

explodingears · 27/01/2023 19:40

Oh I get you. DP is similar to yours. Can you drive to a local supermarket by yourself? Try a same journey a few times and take it from there. It's probably better that he doesn't sit next to you in this instance.

Chilliee · 27/01/2023 19:42

Does he mean shout at you, or does he mean for example shout because you've made a few mistakes that you asked him not to mention and now you're about to hit another car....depends how he meant it. If he means shout at you because you took the corner too wide or didn't indicate then he has anger issues.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 19:44

An examiner deemed you road safe op. Driving with him won't improve your driving. When my mate passed her dh insisted he went oit with her on her regular routes at first.
She had 3 crashes in 3 months driving by herself. He had made her an absolute wreck...1 crash she was lucky to have walked away from.

Hankunamatata · 27/01/2023 19:57

I don't drive with dp on the cat as he is a nervous passenger and hates not driving himself.
You need to practise alone.

Songbird54321 · 27/01/2023 20:05

He is completely unreasonable to shout unless in an emergency. My oh passed his driving test a few years ago but doesn't like driving. Since having a second child he's been wanting to get back in the car to lighten my load a bit. I am a nervous passenger at the best of times so have already said I am not going out with him until he's confident, it isn't good for either of us.
When I passed as a teenager my dad took me to a big empty car park to help me get the hang of the clutch etc but generally I drove by myself and was much happier that way. I tended to go out at quieter times initially but after regular driving it was second nature. You will get there, but I'd recommend doing it alone or with someone extremely calm and laid back. Good luck!

Original poster
Navigatingarelationship · 27/01/2023 20:09

Chilliee · 27/01/2023 19:42

Does he mean shout at you, or does he mean for example shout because you've made a few mistakes that you asked him not to mention and now you're about to hit another car....depends how he meant it. If he means shout at you because you took the corner too wide or didn't indicate then he has anger issues.

Well I'm not sure 2bh. We haven't gone in the car yet. He might have meant the latter and not pointed out minor issues that could become major...I really don't know. He does get stressed under pressure but he otherwise treats me with respect in other areas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Navigatingarelationship · 27/01/2023 20:10

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 19:44

An examiner deemed you road safe op. Driving with him won't improve your driving. When my mate passed her dh insisted he went oit with her on her regular routes at first.
She had 3 crashes in 3 months driving by herself. He had made her an absolute wreck...1 crash she was lucky to have walked away from.

Oh dear. This is what worries me. If I'm anxious after one drive with him I think I will say I'm not doing it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Navigatingarelationship · 27/01/2023 20:11

Thanks everyone. I think driving alone is the way to go in that case. I might try one drive with dp in car but if I feel really anxious it's clearly not a good idea.

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 27/01/2023 20:15

You do sound a bit over dramatic and it seems crazy to tell him what he’s not allowed to do before you’ve even given it a chance. You are creating a problem that doesn’t exist yet.

That said, it is never easy learning or practicing driving in someone else’s car with them sat right next to you unless that person is an instructor, and yabu to expect anyone to be perfect in that situation.

jellybeanjc · 27/01/2023 20:15

I don’t know if I'm reading this right, but have you passed your test? Just don’t want you to get into trouble unknowingly. If the instructor says you're ok and just need to practice before passing the test, then you will need someone with a full licence in the car with you. If you mean refresher lessons as you passed your test a while ago, just ignore me (and your DP- go out by yourself as that's when you really learn to drive!!)

meetmeatmidnights · 27/01/2023 20:17

I think nothing has actually happened yet, and he said he'd rather make comments than have to shout when somethings gone wrong - which seems logical to me. Better him say "stay in your lane" "keep left" than have to yell at you for hitting something!

If it's his car and you're on his insurance then I think it should be by his rules tbh - that doesn't mean he's got a right to shout at you, but I think he's going to be nervous about you driving his car if you're not a confident driver.

Have you passed your test? I couldn't tell if you meant refresher lessons having passed years ago, or learnt to drive ages ago but didn't pass the test and needed refresher lessons.

Tiredmamma8 · 27/01/2023 20:20

Nearly all of these aibu about DP or DH I feel the poster knows their relationship is not good and they shouldn’t be together but they ask on here for reassurance.

Your partner should never shout at you for making a mistake, unless shouting will stop you causing harm or other.

StoneofDestiny · 27/01/2023 20:20

I'd be reluctant to get in a car with a nervous driver - and certainly wouldn't let them near my car. I understand his shouty angst - just get your own car, problem solved.

Original poster
Navigatingarelationship · 27/01/2023 20:21

Thanks. To clarify I have passed my test but a long time ago so the refresher lessons were to gain confidence after a break feom driving.

I appreciate he will be nervous...thanks for reminding me of his perspective.

I don't mind constructive comments where needed. I think I'm scared he will be critical and snappy which I find hard to deal with. I will see how I get on with one drive and take it from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Navigatingarelationship · 27/01/2023 20:22

StoneofDestiny · 27/01/2023 20:20

I'd be reluctant to get in a car with a nervous driver - and certainly wouldn't let them near my car. I understand his shouty angst - just get your own car, problem solved.

I wouldn't describe myself as a nervous driver...just inexperienced.

OP posts:
Tomeeornottomee · 27/01/2023 20:37

My DH and my DD are constant back seat drivers. My stock reply is I can pull over and you can walk from here. Shuts them up every. Single. Time.

Vallmo47 · 27/01/2023 20:42

Find someone else to practise with OP. I completely get it, haven’t driven in over 6 years and truly petrified at ever having to again. It’s no shame in trying, you’re doing fab!!!

Benmac · 27/01/2023 20:44

Please don't do this even if it takes twice the paid lessons to get to your test.
I tried this with my husband. Ended up with me stalling the car , walking off shouting obscenities.
Okay discovered later that Asperger's and ADHD mean I will never be able to drive. But the stress and emotionally cost was just not worth it.

ColdBanana · 27/01/2023 20:54

Really I think just go out on your own. Sometimes another person in the car presses a button in your mind “well if I am going really wrong they will tell me” (not helpful to development) or you spend your whole time worrying about them and he will be primed for you going wrong because he thinks it is his responsibility to check.

Best to just drive and drive and you will feel better v soon. I started again (a long time ago!) after a break and I was actually much better than when I was younger. My other half had a brain injury and started again after a break, I realised quickly that I just had to let them get in with it (this works for most things in life btw). Amazing progress after just two weeks.

ImprobablePuffin · 27/01/2023 21:35

Hankunamatata · 27/01/2023 19:57

I don't drive with dp on the cat as he is a nervous passenger and hates not driving himself.
You need to practise alone.

I agree with your OH - I'd be afraid to fall off the back!

Somebatshitteryonhere · 27/01/2023 21:38

But he didn’t shout, why are you saying he did,

and you’re an adult no, sort your own driving out. You aren’t entitled to his car and him baby sitting you.

Somebatshitteryonhere · 27/01/2023 21:39

Tomeeornottomee · 27/01/2023 20:37

My DH and my DD are constant back seat drivers. My stock reply is I can pull over and you can walk from here. Shuts them up every. Single. Time.

How cringe,what’s the issue, I can’t imagine being such a scared unconfident little person.

Original poster
Navigatingarelationship · 27/01/2023 21:56

Somebatshitteryonhere · 27/01/2023 21:38

But he didn’t shout, why are you saying he did,

and you’re an adult no, sort your own driving out. You aren’t entitled to his car and him baby sitting you.

Not a matter of being entitled.. that's your interpretation. I've paid for refresher lessons and am happy to have more until I can get my own car. My dp offered but I have reservations as per this thread. I certainly don't need babysitting, as you put it!

OP posts:
Tomeeornottomee · 28/01/2023 09:48

@Somebatshitteryonhere are you as batshit as your name suggests? When you have non drivers telling you to go go go at roundabouts and put your foot down in case the lights turn red I'm well within my rights to be CONFIDENT and tell them to shut the fuck up. Are you so unhappy you have to come on threads and insult random strangers? Hush child.