Messed up my whole life

[BostonTerrierMum]

I'm 36 and I feel like I've messed up my whole life and don't know how to sort it out. I feel just completely numb inside, I don't enjoy anything anymore at all and everything feels like such a mess.

I'm in a job that makes me really miserable. I gained a lot of weight which made me infertile for 11 years, I had gastric surgery and have lost a lot of weight now but been left with a lot of loose skin and lost my only comfort in life.

I am married but we've had issues, DH has been borderline really controlling at times and I almost left but we worked through them, he has changed a lot to be fair to him and things got better for a while but I can't seem to let go of all the previous things, and we had an argument a couple of weeks ago that brought everything back up, but then he is the only person I have who really loves me, if I didn't have him I would be very alone. We've also ended up in a fair bit of debt, not masses but enough to make everything feel really tight. My anxiety is through the roof, I almost don't want to leave the house anymore.

When I was young, I had friends and dreams and things I was passionate about. But I've lost all that. My life looks lovely from the outside I think. I have a lot of things I always thought I wanted - husband, nice house. I could have IVF now my weight is under control but I don't even know if I want to have children anymore.

I've tried almost everything I can think of to get out of this mess, I've tried basically every hobby under the sun. I don't even know if I had a magic wand, what I would wish for.

AIBU to think that I've made my bed and just have to lie in it now? That this is just what life is, and most people probably feel similar?

I am not sure this is about your circumstances or your state of mind? Really things don’t sound so bad but you don’t seem to be in a happy place. Not sure how to help but sounds like anxiety and depression to me rather than anything actually too bad in your life (though maybe look for a more fulfilling job? even a change to a new company can feel like a new start!

It doesn't sound like you've messed up your whole life, just that you need things to change. I would start with your anxiety, contact your gp and tell them how you are feeling, there are many mental health charities that provide counselling services, this really helped me with my anxiety. Work towards a new career, think about what would make you happy and work towards that, maybe study part time if you need to reskill.

Definitely don't try to have children until you feel better about yourself. If work is making you miserable is finding another job possible?

Yes as others have said please do speak to a doctor. You need to be kinder to yourself. You've managed to get through a difficult time in your relationship and lose alot of weight that's not an accomplishment to ignore. Aim for the small things that make you happy rather than the bigger picture of your life and what you haven't achieved. Your still young and have time to change your career, have children if you wish and seek medical advice if your body can't be toned after a serious weight loss. You have to make a massive step though as your life can't change unless you do something to change it ❤️

Instead of saying 'I've messed up my whole life', say 'So far my life has not worked out the way I would have liked it to'.
You've already made some huge changes. Take a breather and work out your next step.

Well done on your impressive weight loss.

Agree with PP that a trip to the GP would be a good start. In the longer term, I wonder whether your relationship is perhaps contributing to your unhappiness and you might be able to make a fresh start. You describe him as the only person who really loves you, but even if that is true it doesn't mean that nobody else will. Might be something to think about when you're feeling better.

Thank you for the replies. It wouldn't be easy to change my job unfortunately. I'm paid relatively well for what I do, if I change jobs then it would be less money and we're only just making ends meet as it is. I've discussed it with DH before but he's not supportive of me doing it.

I don't think seeing a doctor would help me, I should probably have put this in my post but I didn't think, I had counselling for about 18 months but ended it in December as I couldn't afford it any longer. It was great, I loved talking to the counsellor I had and it has helped me a lot with some things but then I'm still exactly where I was before starting it.

There are very small things you can do to lift yourself while you work out how you want to live and what you want. The first is to get outside for half an hour a day if you don't already. Even 20 minutes. Stand in the garden, walk to the park and back, anything.

Do you work from home, or in an office or organisation with lots of people? Making tiny small talk with people each day also helps. A little joke with the security guard, a laugh with the person delivering the post. All helps.

And then my last suggestion is stretching. Try to touch your toes each day. Stretch your arms out and up etc. Spend 10 minutes doing that each day.

But mainly, get outside. And you are still young. If you want to change career, it's not necessarily for your DH to say no.

You’ve made your bed???? You’re 36…make a new bed!

See your gp too, I’m sure they can help and give you a bit of clarity back plus some rational thinking which is the best thing about medication.

I've tried almost everything I can think of to get out of this mess,

You need to start by changing your job.

This isn’t about money, it’s about confidence and you have no confidence to start a new job.

This should be your main priority.

Being happier and more confident at work will also impact positively on your self worth and allow you to end the relationship.

If you really can’t deal with quitting your job then end your relationship first.
Then you will find your job isn’t as bad as it is now.
And you can then make a plan to change jobs in the future too.

You cannot be miserable in both your home and work life - one of them has to give.

It’s up to you which one you would find easier ending first.

Don’t write off the gp. You don’t need just counselling…are you on antidepressants too?

the GP could provide free counselling or give you some pointers to charities which may well provide free or cheap counselling. I know when you are down its overwhelming trying to change things but its worth it. Big big hugs.

The fact you hate your job could be the crux of why you are feeling like this. I found myself in a similar position and hating my job impacted my whole life and mental well-being.

You are still young and have time to change things. I went back to full-time education, did a degree at 40, and changed careers to one I now enjoy. It wasn't easy, and I had to make a lot of financial sacrifices while juggling a part-time job with doing a degree. Plus, I didn't have a partner's income to fall back on.

Why not list all the things that are making you unhappy, then one by one, work on finding solutions to change or eliminate those things from your life?

I realised a long time ago that I was responsible for my own happiness, and if something in my life is not working, then only I can fix it.

I completely agree with what you said, that we're all responsible for our own happiness. But I think part of the problem is I don't even know what it is I actually want to do. How did you know what to change careers to? Was it something you'd always wanted to do?

No, it was something I would have hated doing when I was younger. But when I was young, I didn't have a clue and thought work was about bringing home the bacon. So it didn't occur to me to do something I would enjoy.

I worked in finance and was paid well, but I felt something was missing. I was good at my job but gained no personal satisfaction from it. Some people are OK with that, as long as they are paying the bills - but not me; I needed more.

I have always had good interpersonal skills and often had people state, after confessing something, that I was the only person they had ever told. I have this knack for getting people to open up to me, and I find it incredibly gratifying. So began my journey to changing career direction.

You haven't had that divine inspiration yet, but I am sure it will come. Take your time and open your mind to other possibilities. You are still a baby as far as I am concerned and it's never too late to change things.

Sending hugs to you op
i thjnk alot of people feel this way from time to time