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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to keep in touch with now ex SIL?

23 replies

Cobbblers · 27/01/2023 14:30

I have no idea what people do in these circumstances. My DB has split up with his dw, its a complicated situation with no particular blame on either side. There' s no-one else involved and no kids. She is moving 250 miles away. Shes been a much loved part of our family for 20 years and a few of us want to keep in touch with her but DB is upset at the suggestion according to another family member. We are a big family, lots of siblings and cousins. Theres no question of any of the wider family taking sides but we would like to know how she is and text her occasionally. Does a clean break always mean a clean break with the whole family? I'm also thinking its very raw just now but if we wait a wee while things might be different. Also I have no idea yet what she thinks about keeping in touch so that will obvoiusly berelevant.

OP posts:

mamabear715 · 27/01/2023 14:32

Well personally I think that's nice.. makes a change from evil in-laws!
It's not up to DB, is it?

WhatALump · 27/01/2023 14:36

When me and ex dh split I kept in touch with his db’s partner and their kids. We always had a great relationship and spent a day together every school holidays. Didn’t want the cousins miss out just because of the split. I didn’t care if ex dh had an issue with that because it’s none of his business who I spend time with.

Vallmo47 · 27/01/2023 14:41

It’s likely just very raw and painful for your brother at the moment. He might feel differently with time, or he’s concerned she’s going to share things about him he doesn’t want sharing with family members. If she’s moving so far away I’d probably leave it for now at least.

Original poster

Cobbblers · 27/01/2023 14:42

DB told our dm that our loyalty should be to him but like i say its very raw. I don'ts see how a text now and again can be equated with being disloyal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cobbblers · 27/01/2023 14:43

Thanks all, @Vallmo47 yes i think agree

OP posts:

leatherboundbooks · 27/01/2023 14:44

Keep in touch, if that's what you want to do, I've kept in touch with my ex SIL and BIL, like you they'd been part of my life and the children's life for many years. Am sure my ex isn't happy but tough

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2023 14:47

Your brother has no right to police your relationships. If you want to remain in contact with her, do so.

toomuchlaundry · 27/01/2023 14:53

I've kept in touch with DH's brother's ex wife. Just the odd message here and there and still friends on Facebook etc. In the same way I have kept in touch with one of FIL's ex partners. They are nice people, didn't deserve to be treated shabbily by BIL and FIL

PeekAtYou · 27/01/2023 14:56

I would have liked to have stayed in touch but my ex's family dropped off the face of the Earth and blocked me on SM. Oh well...

TheBigWangTheory · 27/01/2023 15:00

I'd totally keep in touch with one of my SIL's in case of divorce, she's my friend any been part of my family for 20 years.
The other one I'd prefer not to speak to now, she's a fucking nightmare, and would be delighted if she divorced my brother, but no sign of it so I'll carry on being as polite as possible to her.

You do as you please. You don't have to split with her because he has.

YolayCaprese · 27/01/2023 15:02

My ex SIL is one of my closest friends.
He cheated in her and I pretty much took her side. He thought this was wrong and we didn't speak for a year. I've only just learned that he told my mum he expected me to apologise and she told him that would not be happening!
I don't let anyone tell me who to be friends with and I think it would be awful to stop being in touch with someone you are close to just because they're not together anymore.

The flip side of this is another family member who has loads of girlfriends (like, buys houses with them etc) but always cheats on them and it gets messy. I just keep a polite distance from them as it's difficult when they inevitably split.

Hullabaloo31 · 27/01/2023 15:10

I'm still very close to my SIL (she's BIL's ex not my brother's if that makes a difference). There are children (close cousins with my children) though as well.

BIL didn't like it and didn't speak to me for ages, but he's come round with time.

Coffeesnob11 · 27/01/2023 15:39

My brother cheated on his now ex wife and my mum and I have stayed in contact and see her every couple of months. She's great and has ensured my nephews have turned into lovely men.
My ex sil (exh's sister) is now my best friend. Her and her parents have really supported and believed me when I told them about the abuse (and they suffered some themselves). She is the closest thing to a sister in my life and I now live super close to her on purpose.
In your case I would stay in contact, he doesn't need to know. Just send the odd message etc.

Sleepplease2021 · 27/01/2023 19:23

I'm incredibly close to my ex sister in laws and regularly spend time with them, both on my own and with my children. As someone in your sister in laws position I would definitely reach out - the one thing that really upset when my relationship ended was the thought of losing my in laws.

piggijg · 27/01/2023 20:14

As there's no children I don't see why you would keep in occasional text contact. If you were friends then you'd keep in touch properly. I can see why your brother would see this as disloyal.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 27/01/2023 20:29

My DB and his ex wife were childhood sweethearts and she was genuinely like another sister to me when they split. I did managed to keep in touch - I always told my DB if I was seeing her, as I didn't want to go behind his back. He wasn't happy to begin with but over a few years they gradually developed a really positive co-parenting relationship and are now, with their subsequent partners, really good friends. She and her second husband are routinely invited to family events and I'm so pleased I didn't abandon her when my brother wanted me to.

MeridaBrave · 29/01/2023 21:21

It’s not taking sides, just send her a friendly text every so often. She is moving miles anyway.

MrsMikeDrop · 29/01/2023 21:26

I keep in touch with my SIL, and not her husband (turns out he was abusing her). Often your in laws become your family, so I don't think it's unusual to remain in touch even if a marriage breaks down

Alexandernevermind · 20/02/2023 19:44

As long as she didn't cheat, he can't expect you to welcome her with open arms as a loved member of your family one minute, and then ghost the next because the relationship failed. We stayed in touch with SIL's ex for a few years. She didn't like it particularly, even though she had remained firm friends with dh's ex.

GodSaveTheClean · 20/02/2023 19:49

I wish I had stayed in touch with my DB’s ex-wife. She was a lovely lady and I miss her. They divorced almost 20 years ago!

girlfriend44 · 20/02/2023 20:16

Do what you want it's not up to him.

Florissant · 20/02/2023 20:18

I would keep in touch. I understand that your brother is hurt and upset but your keeping in touch with your ex-SIL is your business, not his.

DorisJoy · 20/02/2023 20:28

This is potentially outing but my DBs current partner had an issue with me being in contact with his ex. I refused to ghost or cut contact. I felt she was being controlling and manipulative. She had an issue with loyalty. My family is now fractured and my DB rarely speaks to me. His partner has not spoken to me in over 5 years and it has caused all sorts of issues within the family. If I had to make the decision again I would probably handle it differently. I miss my DB.

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