If you had deep worries before kids, but longed for a child - are you glad you had children?

[LavaHotCoffee]

Because of some health issues I would have a high risk pregnancy, with very serious risks for me and the baby. Yet plenty of people with my condition do have their babies now. I'm late thirties and never expected to be in this position, I always wanted children but health was definitely not stable enough when younger - doctors would be happy for me to try now once they are sure I know what the risks are.

Also my second parent is dying and I don't have a big family of origin. PILs aren't alive anymore either, sadly.

Anyway, that gives an idea of the reasons I always come round to trying to accept I don't have enough to offer a child. But get waves of a pure physical longing to have children of my own.

But then there's all the awful random stuff that can happen to a child once they are here, separate to my own particular concerns. What if they are unhappy? Or have a different disability to mine that causes awful pain or suffering? Or what if they hate me for having no grandparents or cousins? Or Christ, but what if someone hurts them? I had a friend killed in an utterly random attack as a teenager, so it does cross my mind.

What about the state of the world we are in - climate crisis and rationing of resources?

Etc etc etc...

But I have such a deep longing for children.

If you had a raft of worries before taking the step to have yours are you ok now? Are you at peace and happy, with a manageable amount of worry?

The 'are you glad you had kids' question comes up a lot on here and (virtually) everyone says yes.

It's not that it's a bad question, it's just redundant on a forum called Mumsnet.

@SleeplessInEngland that isn't quite my question.

It's more specifically for people who did very much know they wanted kids, but had fears beforehand around things like health or things out of their control.

The other questions about "are you glad you had kids" seem to be more about it was the right choice for you as an individual, in terms of what you want from life, would you still choose to be a mother. The thread I have seen anyway.

I know I want kids I'm just scared.

Sitting with my dying parent and wondering what if I have a baby, and they die too? So maybe it's better and safer to never go there.

I'm sorry if I am rambling. But I feel this is different to the other questions I've seen.

@SleeplessInEngland that isn't quite my question.

Well it was your thread's title. If you have a child I can say with 99% certainty that A) you'll be glad you did and B) those worries won't go away.

I think most people have a few doubts before having a child, I was desperate for children but still had the old ‘how will I cope’ ‘will I be good enough’ questions and doubts. I love being a Mum and glad I’ve got my children, they have enhanced my life.

Aw OP it’s so tough weighing it all up but I would do it if I were you, make your own family.

I had big concerns going for DC3, so very different as we already had 2. But mainly my health - was convinced I’d die (traumatic births) plus developed an autoimmune disease following DC2’s birth. Soooo glad I went for it though, DC3 is a joy and my longing has gone.

I haven't had your worries but I don't think your child would hate you for not having grandparents. I only saw my cousins once a year growing up (which was plenty for me but thats another story). For them it'll be normal they won't know any different re grandparents or cousins. Ultimately life is a gamble, there's a risk of terrible things happening but by the same token everything could be amazing. Generally speaking I think its better to try rather than let fear (for want of a better word) stop you. Sounds like you have a lot of love to give and really want it, so I wouldn't let worries about random events stop you. The only thing that I would gently suggest is to try and find a way to get a handle on your worries (I have assumed they're quite strong if it makes you doubt whether to have a longed for child) as it might otherwise overwhelm you and then affect your parenting, you don't want your worries rubbing off on your child. You do the best you can whenever something pops up, its all anyone can do. Unless you're living somewhere dangerous or terrible it's much more likely that things will be fine and that your child will have a good life, especially with your love and support.

If you want children, have children. I never had a deep longing for children (though always knew I'd want to have them, just really no physically longing at all) and I had 2 and am very happy with that decision. Even though I often feel like I want to strangle them both (I'm kidding obviously).

The world has always been shit. Can you imagine if our grandparents never had children because of WWII? There would have been an entire generation that disappeared. The vast majority of the world is more comfortable than its ever been and people have more rights than in previous generations.

But really I would not let lack of family stop you from having children. It takes a village, but that village doesn't have to be biological. Many people have their dc after losing their own parents (my dad died when I was 18). And many people are NC with their families (I am NC with mine - my dc truly not bothered). And cousins are nice (though I never grew up with any), but ours will never have any. I'm an only child and DBIL and partner are childfree by choice. They have amazing friends and 'aunts' and 'uncles' from amongst our friends. Honestly, never even occurred to me to not have dc because of a lack of close family. And they also have us, two parents who love and nurture them. That's more than lots of kids have who come from dysfunctional, abusive homes with one or both parents who don't give a toss about them.

I also have a LTC (that doesn't affect my ability to have dc), but if anything I'm grateful to have them in case I need care one day when I'm older.

The fact is having children can be so hard at times but also so wonderful at times. It is certainly a rollercoaster, even without the difficulties you mention you have, it’s really hard work having children. Your life is not your own. It depends what you want from life really. Most people have a biological urge to procreate but asking yourself honestly if it’s really what you want from your life and if you are mentally ready for the slog it takes to parent well is a good thing.