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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to wonder what I've done wrong ?

26 replies

Datchat · 26/01/2023 23:33

This time last year I left an abusive relationship, my sister was very supportive and I even lived with her and my BIL whilst I got back on my feet, she's always had a short fuse and can be pretty bossy, but she means well and although we've had our differences overall we get on well, or so I thought.

She's been staying with me since before Christmas, and recently she's started her own sort of 'boot camp' to get me eating healthier and improving my social life, I'm a bit overweight but not significantly so and also being a bit of a 'loner' I'm not one for 'joining' clubs and groups, however, she has contacted a local social group and a book club and insisted I join, I did so because I knew it would make her happy and she was only trying to help, however I'm not really looking forward to either of them.

Today I came home from work and noticed that she'd rearranged my bookshelf and put some board games on there, I don't like board games so later on that evening I moved them, maybe it wasn't the most tactful thing to do but I was a little annoyed at having my personal things moved around, unfortunately my sister took this as a personal affront and totally 'lost it' with me and has stated that both her and my brother were hurt and offended and shocked by my actions, they are both leaving tomorrow.

Sorry for the length of my post but I'm sick with worry as I don't understand what I've done to warrant this, have I been inconsiderate or has my sister over reacted...any opinions or advice would be very welcome as I'm at the end of my tether.

OP posts:
OldYorkshirePud · 26/01/2023 23:39

Her reaction does seem a bit OTT; it is your home and you removing her board games isn’t what I would consider inconsiderate, no more so than her moving your things in the first place.
Maybe she thinks she’s done all this stuff to “help” you and that you’re being ungrateful by not being more enthusiastic but that doesn’t justify her behaviour.
Would you be able to talk to her calmly when she has got over herself? What does your BIL say when she’s like this?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 26/01/2023 23:40

It's your house? So she shouldn't be moving anything.

CaffeineMama · 26/01/2023 23:42

Your sister is totally unreasonable and I think its a good idea that she goes to stay elsewhere.

She's got no business coming into your home, dictating your life and touching your things.

And to say they were "hurt, offended and shocked" by you moving things about on your shelves in your home? Absolutely ridiculous. Unless you've gone in, kicked all the furniture over and been abusive towards them, then they're being ridiculous.

Let them go, and if they don't show any signs of shifting, ask them if they need help getting their luggage and belongings out. My MIL pulled a sort of similar stunt once when she visited our home for the first time, and announced through very dramatic sobs that she was so insulted she felt she had to leave immediately. I called her a taxi and lifted her bags round to the front door for her. DH backed me up (he shouldve been the one to call the bloody taxi mind you). She was a bit frosty with me for a while after that but she didn't do anything like that ever again. Stand your ground.

PinkSyCo · 26/01/2023 23:45

Your sister sounds hideously overbearing, and a massive drama queen to boot. I’d be relieved to get rid of her if I were you.

hellobethyname · 26/01/2023 23:52

You left one abusive relationship op , it sounds as if I'm trying to be the peacekeeper you're allowing another
Foot down time I think . Do t be a pushover and do t do anything for the sake of others .

hellobethyname · 26/01/2023 23:52

Sorry " in trying to be the peacekeeper "

Original poster
Datchat · 27/01/2023 00:42

Thank you so much for your responses...@OldYorkshirePud ...you're right about her thinking she's been helpful, I don't want to sound ungrateful but I get tired of being 'nannied' all the time, I lost a lot of confidence when I left the abuse and brought this on myself by leaning on her too much, my BIL has become so accustomed to dealing with her outbursts and mood swings he just agrees with her for an easy life I guess.

@CaffeineMama...you're right there, I do need to stand up to her, she's becoming a nightmare to deal with.

@PinkSyCo ...you're right she can really 'play to the gallery'.

@hellobethyname..I'm a 'pleaser' by nature and I need to start being more selective with my 'pleasing' I think.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2023 00:46

Are you now in your own home? And if so, why is your sister staying with you?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/01/2023 01:37

She did this in your house?

if that’s the case then nope she doesn’t get to dictate how you live. I’m assuming you didn’t try similar when you lived in hers.

Yes, you do need to stop with the people pleasing. Who better to learn on than your bossy sister 🙂

Whitefly · 27/01/2023 01:41

Sounds like your Sister is why you ended up with your ex. I pity her DH.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 02:36

Today I came home from work and noticed that she'd rearranged my bookshelf and put some board games on there, I don't like board games so later on that evening I moved them, maybe it wasn't the most tactful thing to do

Your relationship with your sister is summed up by the fact that YOU feel placing items in your own home might be tactless.

If I moved my own stuff around my own shelves, would you take offence at me?
Of course you bloody wouldn't.
The most likely reaction would be - if you even noticed - "oh, Kett prefers these objects to be stored here, not there, so I'll remember that".

However ... in YOUR case, I wonder if your reaction to me moving my own stuff might be "oh, Kett is going to be angry with me if I don't put her stuff in exactly the right place" ...
Because SOMEBODY has trained you to meekly accept micromanaging from people & then blame yourself for their unreasonable demands.
Did you learn this growing up, with your sister as a key part of the dynamic, also learning dysfunctional behaviours - but growing up to express them very differently from you?

Here's a thought experiment:
Imagine the social group & book club you are reluctant to attend.
Imagine deciding not to bother.
How does that feel?
Now imagine telling your sister you're not going because you don't want to.
How does that feel? How does your sister respond?

I'm going to take a wild guess that she would react like a nuclear explosion compared to the anger of ShelfGate.
How much does that scare you?
How many clubs & groups & shelves are you going to incorporate into your life, just to appease your sister?

You have escaped an abusive relationship, but are still in one with your sister.
She's not 'bossy' she's a nightmare of controlling batshittery, & she's swooped in now your Ex has left a vacancy.
Apologies, it's late & this is not as carefully worded as it could be, & I'm aware that it will have been hard to read.
But how fucking dare your sister treat you like this?
Ordering you to do this. do that, literally boot camping you, & punishing you for putting your own possessions exactly where you please?

Again, I am sorry how difficult it is seeing this through PP's eyes for the first time. Give yourself some breathing space to digest comments on your thread & assess your own feelings. No need for any sudden actions or decisions - let it all percolate through. You have a lot to think about - but many PP will have been in similar family set-ups, & you will find support here. Flowers

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 02:40

unfortunately my sister took this as a personal affront and totally 'lost it' with me and has stated that both her and my brother were hurt and offended and shocked by my actions, they are both leaving tomorrow.

Result.

You can please yourself about book clubs, social groups, & shelf-related decisions now OP. Wink

Really. Let them go, do NOT pander to them, do NOT chase them, text them, do NOT fall into the trap your sister is laying. She wants you to come begging so she can punish you some more. Don't give her the satisfaction, & enjoy the peace when she;s finally pissed off.

Here's some OPTIONAL homework - have a browse around & see who you recognise ... outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Eyerollcentral · 27/01/2023 02:41

Datchat · 27/01/2023 00:42

Thank you so much for your responses...@OldYorkshirePud ...you're right about her thinking she's been helpful, I don't want to sound ungrateful but I get tired of being 'nannied' all the time, I lost a lot of confidence when I left the abuse and brought this on myself by leaning on her too much, my BIL has become so accustomed to dealing with her outbursts and mood swings he just agrees with her for an easy life I guess.

@CaffeineMama...you're right there, I do need to stand up to her, she's becoming a nightmare to deal with.

@PinkSyCo ...you're right she can really 'play to the gallery'.

@hellobethyname..I'm a 'pleaser' by nature and I need to start being more selective with my 'pleasing' I think.

OP she is an old fashioned bully. My sister is one too. And no you can’t say anything to her about anything either or it’s the waterworks or a full on screaming tantrum. You have to stand up to her in a calm way and ignore the nonsense. She won’t like it and your relationship won’t improve by it but you are an adult, she doesn’t get to run your life. Stop her in her tracks by asking her what’s she is so unhappy about in her own life that she has to try and run yours. And then ask when she is going home.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 02:43

Whitefly · 27/01/2023 01:41

Sounds like your Sister is why you ended up with your ex. I pity her DH.

Doesn't it just.

I am so sad for OP, desperately trying to appease her tyrant of a sister & being (understandably - no blame attached whatsoever) unable to recognise that her sister is cut from the same cloth as her Ex.

Original poster
Datchat · 27/01/2023 06:51

What makes it so hard to bear is that immediate friends and acquaintances think she's marvellous, she's an amazing host and will do a favour for anybody, friendly, vivacious and kind, they never see or experience this treatment and would never believe me if I told them, she would just paint me as the one in the wrong. I just don't know how this dynamic has developed or why she's changed into this person, we got on well as teenagers and younger adults. So upsetting...I really thank you all for your concern.

OP posts:
peaceandpotato · 27/01/2023 06:52

How annoyed with her were you?

follyfoot37 · 27/01/2023 06:56

Isb't there a full stop button on your keyboard?

Xiaoxiong · 27/01/2023 06:59

Oh fuck off @follyfoot37 - is that really the most helpful thing you can think of to post??

Xiaoxiong · 27/01/2023 07:02

OP prepare yourself for a cool relationship with her for a while. I doubt she'll ever admit she overreacted- more likely she'll give you the silent treatment for a while and then pretend nothing ever happened. You haven't done anything wrong so don't be bullied into apologising for something you didn't do.

Glorianna · 27/01/2023 07:02

Might be helpful to try and record her and play back one of her outbursts to her. She sounds like a bully.

Original poster
Datchat · 27/01/2023 07:05

Thank you @Xiaoxiong...there's a troll on every post isn't there ? Just when you're feeling your worst they're ready to jump in to give you a swift kick.
Thank you, you're right of course that's exactly what she'll do..she's done it before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Datchat · 27/01/2023 07:06

@Glorianna...I had a similar idea, might go ahead with it.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 27/01/2023 07:07

If she's been staying with you since before Christmas then I'd say it's a blessing in disguise that she's flouncing off! Why have they stayed so long?
She might have been trying to help you but she had no right to move things in your home.

Namechangeforthis6 · 27/01/2023 07:09

follyfoot37 · 27/01/2023 06:56

Isb't there a full stop button on your keyboard?

Embarrassing

If you're going to be petty about punctuation, double check your own post first

HeartShapedBox · 27/01/2023 07:14

Let her go, in fact, actively throw her out.
Who TF does she think she is? "Bootcamp" indeed! You eat what you like, join groups if you like or don't, not up to her whatsoever. And obviously you have whatever you like anywhere you like in your own house. I know it must be hard for you if it's not in your nature but you absolutely can't let her dictate to you and rule your life, you need to put her in her place.