To stop being nice at work

[Scribbydigs]

I've been in my job for a year and I love the job and the work. But my colleagues are all unfriendly, cold, rude and self interested. I'm constantly trying to be kind, thoughtful and supportive of them all (not in a cringey over the top way or anything) as I've had to train some of them to do something complicated. If I have to work directly with anyone in my team they're usually spikey and difficult. My line manager usually cancels our 2-weekly check-ins last minute and has no interest in me. Another recent new starter feels the same way - all the staff seem to be like it with each other, so I don't think it's anything I've done wrong.

I've found it quite upsetting and disheartening. I'm not looking to make friends at work, but most teams I've worked on in the past have tried to be cooperative and supportive of each other professionally. Makes work a nicer place to be.

Any advice on how I could try to care less? And basically be as cold as them, without feeling bad?

This sounds really doubtful and exaggerated to me. Are you sure they're not just really busy all the time and haven't got time to chat to each other, including you? If it is exactly as you say, why would you ever feel bad for acting towards them the way they are acting towards you?

Sounds like it's a work culture issue, I personally would hate it (and have worked in places equally as negative and demoralising)

My current office used to be bad, I used to walk in and say morning... people would ignore me. I was puzzled as it is normal to say good morning to people. Now it's a great atmosphere and most are very friendly and chatty. I think offices/teams go through waves of atmosphere changes.

My advice would be to be you, if it's in your nature to be cheerful and kind, then great, be yourself. Don't change to fit in.

Manager cancelling 121s last minute is not on. I always say to my team they can cancel their 121s if they don't need the time but I would never cancel them. It's their time.

This is a tricky one. I would be inclined to disengage. I would not be kind to anyone who was spikey and difficult to me, absolutely no way. People like your colleagues see kindness as weakness. And once somebody has shown you that is who they are in a work setting, believe them. Be cool and professional back. Pretend you are giving advice to your kids - you would say to them that they should not be mugged off by people. And then apply this to yourself. I have worked in many places with varying levels of niceness and co-operativeness. You can never change a setting like this. At most you can hope to find someone that you connect with. Headphones in and listen to things whilst you are doing work. It is the only way sadly. They are not deserving of your kind attitude!!!

I think you should address this on an individual level rather than attempting a personality transplant.

Manager cancels meeting at last minute: “OK, but we haven’t had a one-to-one since …….. and there are some things I would like to discuss, so please can we reschedule” every time until you get a meeting (but be absolutely sure you’ve got something to discuss and that you’re not wasting his/her time on a pointless meeting).

Colleague being spiky and difficult: “You seem annoyed - what’s the problem?”

There’s a place in-between the kind, thoughtful and supportive stuff and turning into a total hard-case. Aim for assertive.

Or could it be some sort of discrimination? Only woman in the team?

Without knowing more specifics of your interactions with your colleagues itshardto pinpoint the true issue here.

If I were you I'd be civil and give only the top line information required to get the job done. I'd also be seriously looking for another job - I don't think you should match their attitudes because it is possible it's your perception rather than their behaviour. Also, if you're usually friendly and like to get on with people I don't see why you should change that?