I have two DD, 6 and 2. Youngest is a bit of a handful but very jolly. Eldest is clever, sensitive, highly strung. We used to have an incredibly tight bond when she was a baby/toddler (I freely admit to myself I am a LOT better with the baby stage than the young child bit). She was and still is a mummy's girl.
Things started to slip a bit with eldest when she was about 3.5, probably exacerbated by covid and having to juggle her care at home with our jobs for long periods. I found her becoming really hard work with tantrums, relentless talking and demands, refusal to do anything without an argument etc. She is a lot better for my DP, who SUCKED at the baby/toddler bit (no patience, short fuse, resentment) but is a great parent for an young kid - very steady, very firm, doesn't get his buttons pushed the way I do.
Since DD2 came along, I've really struggled to maintain bond with eldest - the thing we bond over most is her little sister, as eldest is 99% of the time a FANTASTIC sibling. I didn't expect this as she was such a consuming only child, I thought she'd be resentful of losing the limelight but actually she loves her sister and is so patient, so caring.
But of course DD1 and I get almost no 121 time now (partner as I say is awful with the baby stage so DD2 largely falls to me, although this is changing as we approach 2 and she can walk, talk and be reasoned with to some extent). The only time we are alone together is either when DD2 is napping (which is less and less as she gets older) or every other night at bedtime as DP and I alternate the girls.
Unfortunately at bedtime when she's tired her behaviour is so so challenging - loud, wild, extremely physical, lots of climbing on me, banging around, hurting herself on things and then screaming the house down, refusing to go up to the bath, refusing to get out of the bath, refusing to get in her pyjamas, refusing to read her reading book, and on and on so we can never get to the 'nice' part of the evening where we talk, make up stories, cuddle in bed. She talks on an on, doesn't listen, interrupts, and I get frustrated - I try so hard not to but I do.
I feel like all I ever do is scold her, and all she ever does is sulk, shout and complain - it's no fun for her or me and I so so miss being her loving mummy and seeing her happy. I find my interactions with her feel really perfunctory ("how do I deal with this?" instead of engaged and loving, probably because there's always DD2 to contend with as well and also because it's only ever a matter of time, no matter how hard I'm trying to give her what she wants/needs, that she'll blow up and start complaining and everything escalates from there.
HELP, more experienced mums - how do I carve out time for her? When we get time together how do I reconnect? How to head off tantrums without responding negatively and getting into an argumentative spiral?
I absolutely love her, she's such a wonderful kid - I just wish we had more time, and that we BOTH had a bit more fun with each other when we do!
Every other adult in her life says what a sweet, funny girl she is, and I know it's true - just don't know why whenever she's with me her behaviour deteriorates so badly!