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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s mental health

16 replies

Needsabreak22 · 25/01/2023 21:56

First time posting here but would really appreciate some views and help. Being transparent I’m a regular on baby Centre but wanted to keep this confidential.
My husband has been struggling with his mental health for a while. It’s been up and down over a few years. He’s had counselling and tried things like exercise but there have been some very difficult times. Last year I had to send him home from our uk based holiday as his behaviour was so extreme and I realised I needed him away from the kids but also to give him some space to rest for a few days in complete peace. He used the time to reconnect with his counsellor, so exercise and sleep. It helped a lot. He’s been trying to be proactive.
Over this time he can get very shouty and sometimes calls me names and swears at me.
Well he was a mess last week, told me he’d been called into a meeting with work and then he was put on gardening leave with 3 months notice. This is after a long career. I’ve supported him completely through this and yet yesterday and today he’s been so short and angry with me and really losing it in a way I haven’t seen before.

Im now at the end of my tether as to what to do to help. I’m out of my depth supporting him and need support myself.
would appreciate your guidance. turning this into an aibu, aibu to think there must be support and guidance for partners in this situation and who can I turn to?

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 25/01/2023 22:01

Is he on anti depressants and still getting counselling? He's going through a bereavement with work, it's understandable he's struggling with his emotions but he needs help to ensure he doesn't harm you (emotionally) in the process. Does he have a plan for moving forward?

Changingplace · 25/01/2023 22:03

Being depressed or having mental health issues isn’t an excuse for shouting, swearing or calling you names.

Hankunamatata · 25/01/2023 22:08

Is he taking medication? Has he looked at a diagnosis? Does he have past trauma

Original poster
Needsabreak22 · 25/01/2023 22:08

He hasn’t been to the doctors as it honestly hasn’t occurred to either of us. I think I might insist he goes this week and that perhaps I go too.
His plan is to eat well, sleep, exercise and look for a new job. It just worries me that it’s not tackling the underlying stuff though

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsabreak22 · 25/01/2023 22:11

Gosh I’m not good with this formatting! Trying to reply but not sure it’s working.
no he doesn’t have a diagnosis. He’s mentioned he has been paranoid but I’m not sure if it’s an official diagnosis. He hasn’t really been sharing much info with me eg I didn’t realise his work situation was so bad

OP posts:
Aldibag · 25/01/2023 22:11

Trying to parse the question so that you can see a bit better:

There is support for people who are unwell. It’s not always easy for them to maintain if they are as unwell as your DH sounds. Medication therefore has some benefits because it’s not (completely) something the DH has to ‘do’… unlike counselling and exercise.

There is support for family. What do you specifically need? A place for him to live so you can limit the damage he is doing to your children? Medication for you? Counselling for you? Inspiration for you? A safe place for you to live?

Without trying to diagnose, and assuming you don’t want the screaming at you:

if he’s able to join you in a discussion about this (at a high level), you may need to level with him: “you’re evidently unwell, but here are the baseline rules of behaviour in our house whilst we work through this”

if he’s not able to join you in a discussion, then you have a different immediate task

cestlavielife · 25/01/2023 22:12

He needs to go to gp

Separately you need to go to gp for support for you eg therapist referral
Look up depression fallout

Original poster
Needsabreak22 · 25/01/2023 22:19

Thank you some great advice. Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees. I’ve had team members with mental health challenges and we often talked about the gp and medication, it just didn’t even occur to me for my own husband.

I’ve spoke to him many times about the name calling even saying if he swears / name calls again I’ll divorce him, final warning etc. He still does it.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 25/01/2023 22:27

Changingplace · 25/01/2023 22:03

Being depressed or having mental health issues isn’t an excuse for shouting, swearing or calling you names.

Came on to say exactly this.

Toddlerteaplease · 25/01/2023 22:28

He must go to the GP.

Aldibag · 25/01/2023 22:31

The consequence for behaviour in the household needs to be something you will carry through on. Since you’re still married to him, you’ve made idle threats which don’t rebuild the relationship and which just hurt. I would consider a smaller consequence which you know you can carry through on, or a way to say sorry which he can carry through on. These are temporary measures, of course.

Mischance · 25/01/2023 22:36

If he is so unwell that work have realised he needs to be on leave for a while then he really should be going to see his GP.

Speak to MIND on their helpline.

My OH had mental health problems and I got stroppy and basically forced him to see GP, who sent him to psychiatrist, who put him on medication. He got better, then suddenly decided he wasn't going to take any more, in spite of being so unwell. The whole family then had to deal with his behaviour for years.

It is very hard getting a man to admit he needs help in my experience, and you have all my sympathy.

JoonT · 25/01/2023 22:38

Is he on anti-depressants? Don’t underestimate how powerful they are. When people miss a dose, they often become angry. I took Paxil years ago and would fly into rages when I had to withdraw. People treat prescription drugs far too lightly. Just because you can obtain them legally doesn’t mean they’re safe. Trying to withdraw from Paxil was like getting off heroin.

Maybe his poor MH has deep roots. Is there stuff from his childhood that he’s not addressing ? In my experience, so much depression and misery has its roots there - in bullying, or lack of love, or sexual abuse, or something like that. Often, the pain will manifest as anger and aggression. I saw it in both my father and my maternal grandfather. Both had been unloved as children, and both seethed with anger as a result. They also suffered a kind of low level depression all their lives.

Original poster
Needsabreak22 · 25/01/2023 22:51

Just a small update, he’s agreed to see the doctor tomorrow with me. That’s a huge step. He’s never seen the GP for mental health let alone been on medication.
Thank you for all the comments, I can’t reply to them all but have taken them all on board. Also good to know I can call MIND if needed, I didn’t know that.

OP posts:
9outof10cats · 25/01/2023 23:06

Could something have changed at his place of work to cause him a lot of stress??

I had a job once, which was incredibly stressful, added to which I wouldn't say I liked it. It changed my personality completely, and I became very short-tempered and snappy with everyone around me. As a result, I could not relax and enjoy myself even on my days off.

I didn't realise it was the stress of the job causing this until I finally left. My mood improved and I began to enjoy life again.

hardboiledeggs · 26/01/2023 09:18

He may need anti-depressants to take the edge off for a bit then he cant continue with his counselling.

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