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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh needs to step up?

17 replies

Heydugeemummy · 25/01/2023 17:53

A bit of background, we have been having a few issues for the last few years and trying to get into a better position in our relationship. Just started the Fair Play book too.

So one of our issues is Dh being able to get up in the morning to take the kids to school, generally drops them off at breakfast club then drives into work. He rarely gets up on his own, either I wake him by yelling up the stairs it’s time to go (because I’ve gotten up with the kids to get them ready for him just to go) or the kids wake him. This morning I was heading up to the shops so dropping the big kids off then dropping him off up at the station. He never got up, so we just left (I may or may not have slammed the door on the way out) he messaged me this afternoon not even acknowledging this morning.

The other thing I have a massive issue with and this is where I need you all to tell me if I’m in the right or wrong! So dh doesn’t believe I’ve done something unless he’s seen/heard me do it, he automatically says I’m lying. For example getting up in the night for the toddler. According to him starting off saying I’m lying about it is the logical way to work to maybe believing me that the toddler was up during the night. I said it wasn’t a good way to do it and would rather her worked through that but himself without mentioning it!

This is longer than I thought and there’s still more. Words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Pepsipepsi · 25/01/2023 17:58

Your husband sounds like a shit bag. You have to prove you're not lying about mundane life stuff? Cos he's too busy deep sleeping whilst you do all the hard graft?? This might be my first ltb.
You may want to try explaining why it's offensive to be accused of lying straight off the bat but I'm not sure he sounds very redeemable.

Hankunamatata · 25/01/2023 18:00

Decent partners don't accuse their loved ones of lying.....

Sparkletastic · 25/01/2023 18:04

He's a lazy gaslighter. Not sure if you can cure that.

jwpetal · 25/01/2023 18:04

This is not good at all. He sounds very coddled. Good luck.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2023 18:08

I’d get rid of him. Seriously, his fucking dare he. He’s treating you like a complete idiot and the children as an inconvenience.

He has no reason to change so he’s not going to.

What does his presence in your life and your home do to make things nicer or easier?

Jubaju · 25/01/2023 18:10

Sounds like he’s more hassle than he’s worth.

he seems more like another kid than a partner.
I’d sack him off without hesitation. Life’s too short for that misery and lack of basic respect for you.

Sunnyjac · 25/01/2023 18:10

The not getting up is annoying, unfair and needs to change. The accusations of lying are unforgivable

Andonebelow · 25/01/2023 18:12

I guess you better start waking him up in the night when you get up with toddler. He’ll definitely believe you then.

jetadore · 25/01/2023 18:21

we have been having a few issues for the last few years and trying to get into a better position in our relationship. Just started the Fair Play book too.

How proactive has he been in working on yr relationship? Are you using the royal “we”? Doesn’t sound like he’s making much effort at all. I echo that trying to undermine you with petty accusations of lying is shitty behaviour too.

Heydugeemummy · 25/01/2023 18:43

Thank you for all your messages. So he’s the youngest of 3 which meant he was babied at home. His mums house is immaculate so that’s what he’s expecting from me.
We had a few couples therapy sessions last year and I’ve been trying to start them up again but he’s saying their too expensive and we’ve got other things to pay for. I’ve been struggling for a while and I’m by no means perfect myself, I get annoyed and nag, I have doom piles everywhere (I’ve never been tidy, I struggle to organise everything and I sleep too much). The one thing I’ve struggled to forgive is him not sticking up for me when his sister told him I was a bad mum and wife because the house wasn’t tidy and I napped.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2023 18:47

Please don’t blame his mum for his pathetic behaviour as a husband and father. He chose to have children, it’s his job to pitch in and care for them as needed.

Jimboscott0115 · 25/01/2023 18:49

The straight away saying you're lying about things like getting up in the night is awful behaviour, he is literally telling you there and then what he thinks of you (a liar).

No male solidarity on this one - he's a dickhead.

Fairislefandango · 25/01/2023 18:51

Thank you for all your messages. So he’s the youngest of 3 which meant he was babied at home. His mums house is immaculate so that’s what he’s expecting from me.

Well he can piss off back to mummy then, can't he! How dare he accuse you of lying? What a twat. His chronological position as a sibling is no excuse for anything, and why should it be your problem? He is an adult and a parent- he needs to pull himself together!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 25/01/2023 18:52

Next morning of his school run turn you get up and pop to the shops. Leave him to it altogether..

ProseccoOnIce · 25/01/2023 18:53

I had one like this & he is now an ex.

I couldn't stand the utter disrespect.

I called it "controlling through inaction" or stonewalling or gaslighting.

He was a liar & a cheat too.

Just wish I hadn't tolerated it so long.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2023 18:55

He is a grown up. He is not your responsibility to wake in the mornings. I smiled when I read that you just left without him as that's the right thing to do. Keep doing this.

The fact that he automatically assumes (or pretends to assume) you are lying is actually incredibly nasty. The one person we are the most vulnerable with should have our backs. He says you are lying because he is embarrassed that you had to do it and he didn't have to do it. He is a selfish prick tbh.

jannier · 25/01/2023 18:57

While organising splitting up I'd be informing him every time the children wake me I will wake you so you not only know I'm not lying but can then get up and sort them yourself seeing as your laying in every morning

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