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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do the play date?

52 replies

Lallyhead1 · 25/01/2023 09:46

A boy in ds school, not the same class he is 2 years younger lost his Dad. I text the mum I know her very vaguely but wanted to say how sorry I was on death of her dh and if there was anything I could do, like collect son from school to not hesitate to ask me. She messaged back and said could her son have a play date with mine at the weekend. Problem is my ds doesn't like him🙄
I was offering practical help but what do I do now? Ds thinks he is babyish and just doesn't like him. How can I get out of it without being rude, her dh has just died so she's having a hard time.

OP posts:
Frosty1000 · 25/01/2023 10:10

You offered to help a lady who is going through a terrible time so please don't back out. Not sure how old your son is but this could be a learning experience for him on helping and being supportive to someone who needs it. It's only a few hours, surely he can be civil and share his stuff for that time. Put a film on if necessary.

Notonthestairs · 25/01/2023 10:12

Cinema trip or depending on age soft play. Then maybe MacDonalds or home for pizza/pasta/fishfingers - make it as easy as possible on her child.

In similar circumstances I gave my kids a chat beforehand about being gentle with someone grieving. It was fine.

Justalittlebitduckling · 25/01/2023 10:14

Take them both somewhere like soft play? Or take this as a learning opportunity for your son. We have to get on with people we don’t like in life. It’s not going to kill him.

Original poster
Lallyhead1 · 25/01/2023 10:18

Yes it will be a good chance to teach my son something. My main concern was that I didn't want them to not get on and the boy feel worse than when he came. But ill have a chat with my son and an actvity and mcdonalds sounds like a good plan

OP posts:
Sleepless1096 · 25/01/2023 10:31

Just see it as childcare rather than a playdate. She's asked for childcare because she needs it (maybe she has stuff to arrange and needs a bit of quiet) and your DS will have to be nice to her son, just as he would have to be nice to any other child for whom you were providing emergency childcare. Ask your DS which of his toys/stuff he wouldn't mind this boy playing with and put the rest away.

Sugargliderwombat · 25/01/2023 10:32

Play with him yourself - movie and popcorn? Or board games? Bake some cakes ? Your child can join in or go and do his own thing.

purpleboy · 25/01/2023 10:33

Lallyhead1 · 25/01/2023 10:18

Yes it will be a good chance to teach my son something. My main concern was that I didn't want them to not get on and the boy feel worse than when he came. But ill have a chat with my son and an actvity and mcdonalds sounds like a good plan

Sounds like a good plan op, maybe 1 on 1 the boys will get on fine?

scarecrow22 · 25/01/2023 10:36

OP, you have take the sometimes blunt advice v graciously. I admire you for that. I hope it goes well now.

cherryblossomsinkyoto · 25/01/2023 10:38

I think it’s be really mean not to just have one playdate. Is it that much of a problem for your son to spend a few hours with a ‘babyish’ kid?

yousmellnice · 25/01/2023 10:40

Why the fuck did you offer if you don't actually want to help. That's so nasty. She's reached out to you and now what you want to say no actually not that help.

Maves · 25/01/2023 10:41

Teach your child compassion....

Thereisnolight · 25/01/2023 10:45

You’re coming across now as a really nice person. Good luck with the play date.

Dragonsandcats · 25/01/2023 10:46

I hope any further posters read your update. You sound very kind, hope the play date goes well.

Mariposista · 25/01/2023 10:51

Babyish? His dad has just died ffs. The poor child is vulnerable. Your son needs to learn to be a bit kinder.
Cinema trip sounds good. Good for you for being neighbourly to this lady.

lanthanum · 25/01/2023 11:29

Maybe phrase it as "Very happy to have him on Saturday. DS might be doing his own thing for some of the time, but we've plenty of toys he can play with/would he enjoy helping me bake?" That might downplay any expectation that he might expect your son's undivided attention and take the pressure off. Obviously it would be nice if your son could play with him at least some of the time. You could work out with your son what he should say if he needs a break - perhaps he has some homework he needs to do, or he could offer the visitor a go on a computer game.

Montague22 · 25/01/2023 11:33

Depending on how old he is I actually think the Cinema isn’t a good idea at all. He’s lost his dad, I can’t see how sitting in the dark for a couple hours with people he doesn’t know well is helpful.

He needs to be engaged in something:

There is lots you could do, if they’re young baking or older let them do a tik tok recipe(Pringles chicken or feta pasta or whatever the latest is) or make nachos or something to watch with a film.

You could do ice cream sundaes with different toppings

Gaming or monopoly or if younger you can play a game with them

Lego- even if your son is older he can just get on with it

Return2thebasic · 25/01/2023 11:41

Yes , people don't always read the updates before they post in response to the op.

Don't take them to heart. I understand when you offered, you were taking the responsibility to your own shoulder and you didn't expect the pressure would fall on your DS's who didn't consent. There's a bit pressure, but you will be fine.

Cinema trip and a McDonald lunch sounds a great plan. Good luck!

ShirleyPhallus · 25/01/2023 11:47

lanthanum · 25/01/2023 11:29

Maybe phrase it as "Very happy to have him on Saturday. DS might be doing his own thing for some of the time, but we've plenty of toys he can play with/would he enjoy helping me bake?" That might downplay any expectation that he might expect your son's undivided attention and take the pressure off. Obviously it would be nice if your son could play with him at least some of the time. You could work out with your son what he should say if he needs a break - perhaps he has some homework he needs to do, or he could offer the visitor a go on a computer game.

Honestly I think this is pretty awful. If I got a message saying that the hosts child was busy but my child could play on his own with his toys id cry.

Just do something inclusive, it’s not hard. The OP has already said she’s wrong and will involve him.

Maryandherlamb · 25/01/2023 11:50

I think I'd do the play date just to help them out. Especially since he doesn't dislike him because of anything awful, he just thinks he's babyish, which I'm sure can be tolerated for one play date. I'd use it as an opportunity to teach kindness.

mycatsanutter · 25/01/2023 12:14

I would in no uncertain terms be telling my child he will be engaging and he will be kind , so what if he finds the other child babyish he has lost his dad ! I wouldn't do the cinema either his little brain could just disengage ,do something physical and interactive - park for football /swimming /museum / a treasure hunt in the charity shops with a fiver each .

FatGirlSwim · 25/01/2023 12:23

Omg you absolutely have to have him as she’s had the courage to reach out and ask. Could you invite a couple more kids from the class to ‘dilute’ him so they all play together? You may find that the boys get on better just the two of them though, I think your ds is going to have to suck it up, put a film on or take them out somewhere?

FatGirlSwim · 25/01/2023 12:25

lanthanum · 25/01/2023 11:29

Maybe phrase it as "Very happy to have him on Saturday. DS might be doing his own thing for some of the time, but we've plenty of toys he can play with/would he enjoy helping me bake?" That might downplay any expectation that he might expect your son's undivided attention and take the pressure off. Obviously it would be nice if your son could play with him at least some of the time. You could work out with your son what he should say if he needs a break - perhaps he has some homework he needs to do, or he could offer the visitor a go on a computer game.

I definitely wouldn’t do this, it wouldn’t be nice at the best of times!

FatGirlSwim · 25/01/2023 12:26

You do sound like a lovely person, and there’s no need for anyone to be rude to you! I can see that you just didn’t want it to go badly.

CaramelMach · 25/01/2023 12:50

Montague22 · 25/01/2023 11:33

Depending on how old he is I actually think the Cinema isn’t a good idea at all. He’s lost his dad, I can’t see how sitting in the dark for a couple hours with people he doesn’t know well is helpful.

He needs to be engaged in something:

There is lots you could do, if they’re young baking or older let them do a tik tok recipe(Pringles chicken or feta pasta or whatever the latest is) or make nachos or something to watch with a film.

You could do ice cream sundaes with different toppings

Gaming or monopoly or if younger you can play a game with them

Lego- even if your son is older he can just get on with it

This is good suggestion. Do something fun where he can forget himself for a bit. How about swimming somewhere with slides or trampolining park?
The mum might appreciate a tired child on a Saturday evening!

You are a kind soul to help

Renlea · 25/01/2023 12:59

Teach your son about compassion, and how this child has just lost his grandfather so might be feeling really sad and needs cheering up.

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