its long, but wanted to provide context and avoid allegations of drip feeding…
My husband and I are in our early forties and have been together for over 20 years, married for more than 15. We live in the capital city of our state (non uk) which is about an hour a half east of my family and just under two hours north west of his. We both left home to go to University and neither has had any financial support from our families since.
We do not have, and never wanted to have kids.
Financially, we are comfortable, and so are our parents. Both sets of parents are retired and have been for at least 5 years. No major medical issues.
We each have a younger sister (also in their forties) who have stayed in the hometown and have children now aged between 6-10.
Both sets of parents have been very supportive and involved with grandkids. Each doing at least a days childcare every week when they were young, being on call for pickups when they were sick so that sisters could keep working, bought new cars so they could accomodate car seats for school pick ups, drop offs, ferrying to hobbies and appointments. They usually go on holidays to lend a hand and also split the costs, and also pay for the kids to attend private school (about $15k a kid each year). We absolutely don’t begrudge anyone this and also make an effort to attend birthday parties, send gifts and arrange special treats and visits in our city for our parents, sisters and their kids.
With no kids and living outside our hometowns, the amount of parental interest and support we have received is quite different.
We’ve moved house a few times in the last 20 years and after asking for help once and receiving a long list of why it was not possible, never asked again (they were all physically very fit and active and capable of driving etc - and mostly it would have been nice to have help unpacking and sorting rather than carrying heavy things - which we had already booked a professional for) Both times my sister, moved it was all hands on deck and my mother in law still does school pick ups, organises dinner and washing 3 nights a week for SIL.
They visit very occasionally.
My parents have come once in the last 12 months and his mother visited in November. Obviously no visits during the pandemic, but in the five years prior to 2020 the combined visits between them would be less than 5. My parents travel extensively overseas, and his spend a lot of time travelling interstate, so mobility is not an issue.
Husband broke his leg badly last year and was on bedrest for a month and on crutches for 6 weeks after that. Nobody visited, or asked if there was anything they could help with. I’ve been in and out of hospital over the last 5 years with a recurring illness. No visits, texts or calls ever come. If we ever mention it, they always have a reason they can’t help.
It was my birthday last week and my parents sent flowers. I’ve not heard from my in-laws yet. They have form for forgetting. The last time I got a present was probably 15 years ago. More often than not I get a text message a few weeks later. In the early days, husband told them it was rude to not send a text and the least they could do was set a reminder on their phones, but we’ve given up now.
Calls are initiated by us. Often it takes my in-laws several days to respond (they don’t seem to grasp that you can take mobiles with you) and my parents are always doing something else when we call that can’t be paused - like tidying out the pantry - so we never have their full attention.
I have to have quite major surgery in the next few months that will leave me bedridden and needing support for a few weeks and we know that no support will be offered beyond a text message.
There’s no nastiness, but equally there’s clearly no interest or effort when it comes to us and that is hurtful. We’ve raised it in the past but neither set of parents seems to think there is an issue. I know that they are all still disappointed that we a) moved away and b) didn’t have kids.
Other friends of ours are now navigating their parents needing more hands on support or moving into care and husband and I have decided that when the time comes,
the responsibility for that (logistically, not financially) will sit with our sisters.
They’ve had the benefits of on hand care and day to day practical and financial support for over a decade already.
Without being petty, and we certainly wouldn’t leave anyone destitute or to struggle (which wouldn’t happen) but given we’ve largely been ignored for the last 20 years with limited effort or interest shown in our lives, we don’t think it’s fair for the responsibility to fall to us.
Both our sisters are a bit scatterbrained and co-dependent with mildly useless husbands, whereas we are both more organised and better at planning and navigating things, so perhaps it would be expected of us.
So are we being unreasonable to feel like this?