honest advice,-unsupportive husband

[ELI81]

hi all, I need some advice and perspective here. in the last 4years my time here in the UK has been difficult and exhausting, I have 2 children under 4 and after the first one was born all changed. my husband has never helped me with chores and administration in the house also before but I have only now realised and it's tough, all falls on me:cooking, cleaning, tidying after the kids.We are skint so we don't go out as a couple also because we don't have any support so everything is costly(nanny or babysitter ). I take care all day of the kids, wake them, cook or prepare breakfast /lunch/dinner and feed them, take them out to play to playgroups daily or to nursery when they go 2 times a week whdn I finally can work part time outside my home, I play with them, read. Honestly I feel so alone and unsupported by him, he's always working away Monday to Friday and when he comes back home he sleeps or watches the TV on the couch, no playing with children, no reading to them only TV. Sad life, I didn't expect that when I married him. I complained to him that he's not doing much to help apart from preparing the kids to sleep for the night and taking them out during one day of the week end, but nothing, he says I'm home most of the time and I can take care of the rest, he's working to provide for the family and he's tired when home. I also took out the card for couple counselling but he says it's bullshit. I think he misses home abroad and would likd to go back with the kids but I can never follow him or let him take the children if that will be the case because I don't want a miserable life for me and my kids abroad with him. I feel so disconnected, like I don't want any physical contact with him and I'm always very harsh and tired. what is your advice? if someone will suggest to get rid of him it's not that easy, kids absolutely love him and he provides mostly for paying bills so I will be financially incapable alone and probably more stressed than now. Also the nursery is costing a lot for few times a week when I finally can be alone with no children and go to work, I could not pay for more days of school to go more often to work.

My only advice is to hang in there.
Your scope for changes will improve dramatically when the dc's are at school full time.

Stop doing things for him & give him instructions such as you bathe the kids while I cook etc.

Some people need telling and although not ideal this is what I'd do. Say that you're leaving home x time on sat am to go to museum/Park etc, can he make lunch night before etc.

Also, I think you'd both benefit from counselling because you've lost your way & need your mojo back.

And get watertight contraception.

The question is whether you want to stay with him long term. People very rarely change.
Id suspect your relationship won’t last like this, so I’d suggest you play the long game.
As pp says, it will be easier when the kids are at school. Start to squirrel away money, save up supermarket points, and don’t get pregnant.

If he works away during the week, there is a limit to what he can do as he isn’t physically. If he is only there on a weekend and takes them out for the day on his own one of those he’s doing what he can.

main issue here is him being away from home Monday to Friday. He needs to get a job where he’s home every evening so he can do his share on a daily basis.

It’s not just this though it’s his attitude isn’t it? He takes the position that “providing” is the limit of his responsibilities. I couldn’t live with someone like that and he is a poor role model.

I can see you are a bit stuck at the moment OP, I think you need to wait it out until your kids are at school and then prioritise getting a job, saving money and getting away.

thanks, I hope

thanks, he doesn't want to do counselling, he thinks we can sort it out by ourselves, but it's impossible at this point. plus he doesn't follow instruction, unless he's motivated. he let me do 90% of all. even if I ask he finds excuses or the fact he's tired,so another day..

After second child I have luckily, even if we are not much more intimate now

thanks, I can't wait the time when I can start working more and delegating children to school, now nursery is too expensive, we can't afford.

sorry maybe I didn't explain myself well. he's home every day at about 5 pm after taking transports so he could help but he's always too tired and sleeps or watches TrV and I have to do all the cooking, easy to manage children that way in front of tv and cartoons, not healthy for them. Though my toddlers are rascals, very active and running, shouting all the time, not easy kids so we are both exhausted at the end of the day

Can you get a weekend job and he can look after them at the weekends?

It'd get you out of the house and give you a break from being known as just "mum";when my kids were younger I worked 2 short evening shifts and a Saturday and one of the things I loved about working was being acknowledged as me and not just x and x's mum;we don't realise sometimes we end up losing our identity abit and it was nice just to be with other adults.I'm thé extra income would help too and he can get off the sofa and actually do some parenting.

@Duckingella , it's quite clear from OP's posts that pigs will fly before her husband allows her to work at weekends.