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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toddler crying upstairs

25 replies

Janblues · 24/01/2023 21:11

I live in a ground floor maisonette. High ceilings and added lowered ceilings for sound proofing. However almost every evening I hear the toddler upstairs crying, wailing, spluttering, low level moaning (I can hear the words clearly). I have a 4 year old myself so usually too busy to let it bother me. However this evening it's gone for more than 2 hours. I usually hear the mum doing a very annoying high pitched whooping sound. I guess to try and distract the child but it's not comforting at all and actually grates on me like mad. The child sounds like they are alone in the room as I can't hear the adults voices.

Pretty sure the parents are using controlled crying, cry it out, whatever the term is. Apart from the low level noise, I'm feeling terrible listening to this child crying and wailing in distress all the time.

Less AIBU, more what should I do. Apart from minding my own business and trying to ignore it. I just feel bad for the child.

OP posts:

NoKnit · 24/01/2023 21:43

I would say something to the parents. Nothing negative don't make it out to be a problem just that they must have their hands full every night with the child.

(Of course secretly I'd be thinking you cruel sods you can't leave a child crying for that long go and pick your baby up and actually parent)

Original poster

Janblues · 24/01/2023 23:49

Thanks for the reply. I suppose I could gently say something like that. Not sure I could hold back though at just a passing comment!

The crying stopped suddenly about 30 minutes after I posted my OP. Obviously the child fell asleep. Poor thing she sounded exhausted ☹️

OP posts:

Original poster

Janblues · 25/01/2023 07:48

Bumping for more responses on what to do.

The child wakes up crying every morning too. She's wailing away right now too.

OP posts:

MotherOfCrocodiles · 25/01/2023 11:29

I think it's none of your business, sorry - and mentioning it without mentioning it as suggested by pp won't fool anyone.

It does sound annoying and I suppose you could tell them the noise is annoying you. But don't stray into judging their parenting.

RayaRyder · 25/01/2023 11:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

bravelittletiger · 25/01/2023 11:35

This sounds so sad. I would find this so hard too. 🥹

If you feel brave enough I would consider talking to the mum about it by knocking on the door- "Is everything alright? I can hear your little one getting very upset at night. We used to have the same with our DD and we found x,y,z worked..." or similar? You might also get a feel for how the little one is being cared for generally and the state of the home etc. if you feel it's really bad you could actually just tell her you're concerned about the little one and wanted to check in.

In my view it's actually neglect to leave a child crying for many hours a day without comfort. So I do think it's your business as the child may need help or protection.

bravelittletiger · 25/01/2023 11:36

And I agree with the PP- if it's really bad and nothing changes I would consider calling social services.

Baconand · 25/01/2023 11:41

Report it as a safeguarding concern to social services. I would without question.

Ignoring things like this is how children die. Odds are there is no abuse here, but do you think none of those abused children that died at the hands of their parents didn’t cry? They did and people turned a blind eye. Safeguarding is everyones business.

If the parent is doing nothing wrong then nothing bad will come from reporting it. But on the off chance they are you are saving a child from harm.

Mamaneedsadrink · 25/01/2023 11:49

Is this child actually crying alot or just crying as a normal toddler would. Neighbours 2.5 is next door, house is separate and its always crying, its fecking annoying but it's that kind of kid. It's not being abused and if I said anything, it would just stress the parents (and child!) out more. Just be careful before making assumptions, some people have hard kids (luckily I don't, but I sympathise)

Dotjones · 25/01/2023 11:56

Call Social Services on them, they will be better placed to investigate and check whether the child can be taken into care. Even if it doesn't the threat might make the parent(s) take better care of the child. At the end of the day prolonged crying day after day is a sign that whatever they're doing isn't working.

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 25/01/2023 11:59

Do you have any kind of neighbourly relationship with them at all? Maybe you can see if there is any help you can offer if you do

chocolatebuttonlover · 25/01/2023 11:59

Personally, I think although it's distressing and annoying it's not your business.

You don't know what's actually happening up there - my DD sometimes screams blue murder when I'm in the room with her!

They are probably desperate and trying to sort out a long-standing problem and I don't think it's your place to say much sadly

chocolatebuttonlover · 25/01/2023 12:00

Agree with PP though - keep a record of it and then if you need to speak to SS later down the line you'll have some strong evidence

mumasore · 25/01/2023 12:04

My child cries every bedtime without fail. He doesn't want to go to bed, he wants to stay awake and play. He's exhausted and grumpy because he's exhausted and even if we sit with him he wails like we've abandoned him. You have no proof they are doing cry it out and also would have expected you to be more understanding given you are a parent yourself.

Unless you suspect abuse which you clearly don't keep yourself out of it

AubadeIsIt · 25/01/2023 12:05

chocolatebuttonlover · 25/01/2023 11:59

Personally, I think although it's distressing and annoying it's not your business.

You don't know what's actually happening up there - my DD sometimes screams blue murder when I'm in the room with her!

They are probably desperate and trying to sort out a long-standing problem and I don't think it's your place to say much sadly

The potential mistreatment of a child, who cannot defend themself, is everyone's business. I would definitely talk to the parents before calling anyone else though.

MrsMikeDrop · 25/01/2023 12:06

If you're really concerned then go over and gauge the situation, it doesn't sound like anything sinister. The two hours of crying might be a sick child for all you know, that wouldn't be unheard of. Offer to help!

ifonly4 · 25/01/2023 12:11

Haven't done it myself but obviously some people do try controlled crying or have some element or crying in the evening if child doesn't want to go to bed.

If it's happening in the morning as well, especially at the time you posted this morning, I'd be concerned about that. Parents will be up by then and have spent time with a child that age over breakfast, washing, getting ready for the day.

Have you seen them out with child much? Does she moan or cry a lot then, or seem to have any problems? Are they showing interest in her? Does she look cared for?

If you continue to be concerned, I'd phone SS sooner rather than later. If it's an innocent thing or parents have a good reason (ie child with health or behavioural problems) SS won't do much. On the other hand, if there's any element of doubt, they'll work with family for the best outcome.

Samanabanana · 25/01/2023 12:15

For balance, my toddler has HUGE sleep issues and screams and screams and coughs and splutters throughout the night. We hold him, rock him, never let him "cry it out" and you'd never know we were there as we talk and shush him quietly to try and help him relax. It is definitely awful listening to a child inconsolably cry. Worse so when it's your child and nothing you're doing helps them to calm down.

MooseBreath · 25/01/2023 12:18

If you suspect abuse (even a little) call SS.

If you think it's just a toddler being a dick difficult sleeper, try and be supportive of your neighbours. As a parent whose DS (2y8m) is currently going through a screaming phase. It's hell. Probably damn irritating for our whole street as well.

FlickFlackTrap · 25/01/2023 12:19

Baconand · 25/01/2023 11:41

Report it as a safeguarding concern to social services. I would without question.

If the parent is doing nothing wrong then nothing bad will come from reporting it. But on the off chance they are you are saving a child from harm.

Absolutely this.

Please report it.

Babs234 · 25/01/2023 13:15

If you have a safeguarding concern report it but honestly as a mum with a LO who cries at night I’m not sure it is…

I could be your neighbour, my LO is an unsettled sleeper but he’s 10 x worse if I talk to him or pick him up when he's upset at night so I shush him and stroke his head and you wouldn’t know if I was in his room or not! His sleep was getting better but he's on week 3 of a cold and it’s been hell, i've been giving him extra drinks/Calpol etc at night and he's even more unsettled by this and takes ages (an hour at least) to get back off.

I worry all the time my neighbours will report us so I have a very expensive baby monitor that records his sleep and it social services ever knock on the door I can show them a recording of the night before and that I was there.

maddiemookins16mum · 25/01/2023 13:43

Reporting to SS for parents using a (hated on MN) sleep technique - heard it all now.
You don’t have any evidence a child is being abused apart from a (possibly very overtired) wailing toddler at bedtime, you’ve even said you can hear the mum making noises.

lifehappens12 · 25/01/2023 23:52

Some more information is really needed. Is this a recent thing? Does this happen all through the day or just evenings?

My just turned 2 year old cries a lot between 5 and 7. He is very tired and unless I can walk round the house with him on my hip - he cries. I have an elder child who also needs me at the same time so when the toddler is having a tantrum - I can't always deal with it immediately.

He can also be very grumpy at 6am when he has decided to wake up for the day and won't sleep.

So often there is another side to the conversation.

Try and find out how she is with out moaning about the noise

realsavagelike · 26/01/2023 03:15

Genuinely terrified by the amount of people who can't wait to call Social Services on their neighbour with fuck all flimsy 'evidence' of a problem.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/01/2023 03:22

It is none of your business.

My friends' child had night terrors as a toddler and would scream and scream. She wasn't hungry; she was changed and dry and she was cuddled constantly.

They were tired and stressed out of their brains. Then their neighbours started texted them at 2am threatening social services. So that helped... do you really want to be that person?

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