Advice on (older) teenage son

[EwwwwDavid]

Posting for traffic really.

At the end of my teather with my almost 19 year old. He completely messed up school, failed all of his 6th year exams (he had done well at school until then), husband managed to set him up with an apprenticeship which he has been let go from today. Turns out he's not been going in, late on several occasions etc.

He's very remorseful today about the fact that he's been lying for months saying everything was fine.

Just feel like I've failed as a parent really.

Don't think he's been overly spoiled, has always been encouraged etc. I appreciate he's an adult but doesn't stop me feeling like I've done something wrong.

Any advice from anyone who's been through it?

Just wish he could turn it around!

Is everything else okay in his life? Friends, hobbies, going out, etc?

Do you find his entertainment and other icing costs over and above his apprenticeship wage?

This sounds like it could be drug related if he was doing well at school and then just completely failed all of his exams. Has his behaviour changed? If it's not and he's just going through a low point I wouldn't worry too much. It doesn't sound like you've failed as a parent to me because you're asking on here in the first place. If you'd truly failed, you wouldn't care, or would not even be aware of it.

@Butchyrestingface everything else seems ok. He has a girlfriend and lots of friends he sees in the evenings and weekends. Doesn't really have any hobbies, used to play football.

@Keyansier not sure about drugs (I hope not). He was in 4th year when covid hit, got good grades that year, ok grades in 5th year but 6th year was a write off. It's like he has no motivation at all. Thought he was maybe fed up of school, he loved the apprenticeship when he first started it, not sure what went wrong.

If it's any consolation, I went through something similar with our youngest son

Dropped out of college- despite being so talented at IT that I've had to sign a NDA with the company he hacked at the age of 17.

We made him take a "dead end job" to which he was regularly late. He eventually got the sack for being late on a day when I'd actually dropped him off with 15 mins to spare!!

He then got a job with a supermarket on 20hrs per week- but usually ended up doing more.

During this time he was very testing and disrespectful at home. His dad would regularly say that he was going to throw him out as he was an adult now.

Two things kept me going-

1. the adult brain isn't fully formed until your 25. So I used to say to his dad that he had till he was 25 before he was to be turfed out. If he was still being such an ar*e then, I'd move him out myself

2. I knew we'd out the foundations in. He'd always been high-spirited and we'd always parented firmly but with lots of love.

I comforted myself with the thought that once his brain, his hormones and his testicles all caught up, he'd be ok. My mantra was if I can get him to 25 , in employment, not in prison and not a young father I'd have done my job.

Anyhow- I'm ahead of target!

About the age of 21 he turned a corner. He now has a great job - which he got through an apprenticeship that, had he got at 19 he'd have blown.

He regularly apologises to me for what he put us through. Don't get me wrong, we still clash because he's still high-spirited. But we hug all the time and he tells me he loves me every day. He's living enactment of that Mark Twain quote

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Now all I need to do is get him moved out, so me and his dad can downsize and spend his inheritance seeing the world 😀

What's he interested in? Did he have an interest in the apprentice subject? They are not an easy option, difficult if only motivation is to keep your parents sweet. ( I do realise interests have to come from within and can't be imposed or fabricated.)
Are you going to insist he gets a job? I persuaded my DS get a job after covid lockdown, as I thought he needed to get out the house. He worked at McDonald's for a while and it really motivated him to think about what he wanted, as he realised how awful it would be to get stuck in something you didn't care about.

Sorry- what I meant to finish with was

Just keep swimming!!

You obviously are a good parent who cares deeply. Hang on in there and one day it'll be ok. It might not be exactly what you had planned for him, but it'll be ok

You and DH need to sit down with him have an adult conversation with him, ask him whatdoes he think has gone wrong and why and how can it be put right. What does he really want to do in his life and look at how he can make that happen, with your and DHs support - maybe set out an action plan and timescales with him. He needs to see that this is important and not a game

I went through this with my DS. He got the sack from 2 dead end minimum wage jobs both of which he did for 2 years. This was being after asked to leave from a vocational course at college.
We had a chat with him and asked what he wanted in life? He said an office job where he didn’t have to work evenings and weekends. We talked about how to facilitate this and he went back to college and and a did a BTec in IT and has had a job in an insurance company for over 10 years.
You haven’t done anything wrong, I do think some DC do take a bit longer to work out what they want to do with their life.

What @Siddalee said. Spot on.

@Siddalee thank you this cheered me up. I know he's not the first (and won't be the last) to drop out of something. I dropped out of uni first time around myself cause it wasn't the course for me.
I'm sure my parents were just as worried at the time.

He doesn't know what he wants to do, which I get as I was exactly the same.

I completely messed up my 6 form by partying and being daft. Crucial thing is that my parents let me figure out what I wanted to do.
I scared into uni then dropped out and worked for a while in a shop that i hated. Figured out what I wanted to do then reapplied to same uni to do different course.
Sometimes life isn't straight forward.

Dh parents arranged his apprentship and he hated it. Messed it up and his dad didn't speak to him for 2 years.

You need to let dc figure this out himself. I would insist he works in some capacity and wouldn't be giving him any money and would expect board.