I feel like I'm failing my child

[minnor]

I think I need to be reminded that I'm not the only person who feels like this sometimes.

DS is 6 and is exhibiting some challenging behaviours that we've never had before (hitting and kicking peers in school, short fuse, impulse anger). I feel like I'm going round in circles trying all sorts of techniques and the problems keep occurring.

When I'm really honest with myself, I've really hated my own parenting for the past year. I have been so impatient and a lot of the time not present due to stress and I just feel like I want to break down all of the time. I started so strong with my parenting values and what I want for my children and the parent I want to be, but for the past year, I have just felt completely and utterly mentally drained on constant and I feel like DS has now suffered because of that.
I feel like a complete failure.

But everyone feels inadequate, don't they? I bet in reality you are not. You sound really engaged and thoughtful. I don't know if your son's behaviours are really outside of what's usual; what does his nursery/school think? I think you have older children; do you feel that they have suffered over the past year too or is this guilty feeling only about your 6yo?

The fact that you care shows that you are from a failure

6 can be a tough age as they are still learning how to regulate their emotions.
What's causing the stress in your life? Can you work on reducing or dealing with that? If you are on edge or visibly stressed then that is probably projecting onto him and he is handling his "stress" in the same way.
When I feel disconnected from my 6 year old I just spend lots of 1 on 1 time with him : I do something with him that I know he enjoya, even if it's playing his favourite game, just something that I know will make him feel like I want to spend time with him.
Also, what's your bedtime routine? Talking to him in bed is a good time of the day I find where my 6 year old opens up about what's on his mind, if anything happened at school that makes him feel sad etc. We have a good cuddle and talk about the ways to handle how we feel and how to self regulate without impacting others.

You’re far from alone feeling like this OP. The way I see it, most people are trying their best and you really cannot judge anyone based on only seeing snippets of their parenting. So one thing that really helped me was to stop comparing myself to anyone else. Unless I was there with a hidden camera 24/7 I truly would not have any idea what their lives are like. I found that as soon as I stopped comparing myself to others I immediately felt a bit better. Just try to spend time with your kids, that’s what they want- just your time. ♥️♥️

Hi OP, one of my DS went through a very challenging period age 5, part of it was his school environment and part of it was parenting - I'd gone through a bereavement and DH and I were going through a tough patch and to be honest neither of us were being the parents we aspire to be.
Long story short we sorted out the school situation and we both doubled down on parenting the way we want. DS is now a completely changed child.

Could there be anything going on at school with your DS? Any possibility of bullying? As for home, are there any ways that you can reduce the stress you're under? Or cope with it better? One thing I started doing was getting up at 6 to exercise which has made me so much more patient in the mornings!

I find it really helpful to have little parenting mantras that I repeat when I start to feel stressed out - things like 'they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time' - that encourage me to respond patiently and calmly.

You're not failing your DS, you're thinking carefully about how to improve the situation - hopefully there are some little changes that you can make that will reset things.

Thank you everyone for the replies.

My parenting has been absolutely off and it is definitely due to stress in my own life. I feel burnt out a lot of the time due to the amount of things I have taken on and I definitely need to find a way to reduce that!

1 on 1 time is something I am really going to try and implement regularly, and a less stressful and rushed bedtime - again, everything just feels a bit rushed and shit all the time because of 1) how much I have going on that I need to do and 2) my complete burnout when I have a period where I don't have a lot to do.

I just wish there was a rule book for parenting at this point! I have no idea where I'm going right or wrong, just absolutely winging it. It's definitely reassuring to know that others feel the same.

Not a rule book at all but I really like the 'How to Talk so Kids will Listen' series.
And yes - I remember feeling like I knew how to do everything so well when they were babies and toddlers and now they are school age I find it so much more complicated and harder to get right!