Son drove home drunk

[frozendigits]

Bit of backstory.
Ds (22) moved back home last month after a 3 year relationship ended.
His ex didn't like us so they had no contact with us until the relationship ended and he moved back home, we've had no explanation other than "oh that was her, she didn't like anyone."

Anyway now he's home we feel like we're walking on egg shells, It's like having a teenager back in the house, he plays loud music and when asked to turn it down, we have to ask several times and then we get huffing and puffing.

He doesn't have any chores to do but finds it too much to put his plate in the dishwasher after eating the meal I've cooked him.
I put clean sheets outside his door on Saturday morning and they are still there, he steps over them every day.
I try and make light conversations but all I get is one word answers eg Me: did you do anything nice today? Ds: yeah.

Last night was a new low, he went out and came back visibly drunk after having driven home.
I have a breathalyser in the motorhome from when we went to France as it's a legal requirement to carry one there.
He blew 0.12 which bearing in mind he'd been home an hour already was probably higher at the time he got in the car, I think the legal limit is 0.3.
Worse bit is he'd taken a girl for a date so presumably she was also in the car. He could have killed both of them.

I didn't bring him up to be like this, he has a good job and before he left home we were all very close and we were proud of the lovely young man he'd become.
I just don't know what steps to take, he's a grown man, I can't discipline him now and he walks away when we try and speak to him but he's behaving so irresponsible and seems to disregard anything we have to say.
He has younger siblings who look up to him as well. I just don't recognise him anymore.
I don't want to rock the boat in case he goes nc again.

I've a son that age that drives and to say I would absolutely go totally mental if he drove with alcohol is and understatement.

I truly would be beside myself and I wouldn't give a damn if he was low in himself.

Take him off the insurance today.

Tell him it is time to move, today if possible.

I mean it kindly but you are part of the problem tip toeing around him.

In my experience being other than crystal clear on your expectations can lead to being taken advantage of.

He clearly doesn't respect your home so he needs to move out now.

I would no more be party to an adult that would put the lives of another at risk by drinking and driving.

So utterly fxxking selfish.

Unfortunately he thinks you will accept any behaviour from him.

I would be packing his bags and telling him to get the hell out of MY home.

Drink driving is a total deal breaker and he thinks you are ok with it.

How would you feel over the way you have been allowing him to behave if that woman was injured last night?

Would you ever forgive yourself?

I certainly wouldn't. Ever.

If he's depressed thats one thing, but that does not give him the right to put the lives of others at risk.

My 3 year old manages (with some complaining) to take her plate to the dishwasher. I think you need to ask yourself honestly why you are treating your adult son like a child.

Absolutely. Agree it's disgusting. People who drink drive deserve to end up in prison. There is never any excuse.

This is the format of my breathalyser

The legal blood alcohol limit is .08 in the UK. If he was as .12 he was well over and bery drunk indeed.

For as long as you enable him to treat your house like a hotel, he will most likely continue to do so.

Depressed or not, you're not actually helping him by continuing like this.

I've already told DD that she'll be very welcome to live with me when she's a grown up but that all adults in the house will contribute an equal amount into cooking, housework, DIY jobs etc. You might think I'll go back on this when she's older but I really don't think I will because I've seen what happens with adults who live at home without lifting a finger and it is detrimental to all concerned, particularly the adult child.

Either he starts pitching in to the upkeep of the house in every way or he can go and rent a room elsewhere.

I'd also tell him that if he ever drives drunk again you'll have no choice but to report him to the police.

You've confused everybody by misusing the decimal point. You mean that .03 is sober, not .3 And .12 is larger than .03 so he was drunk. I think you might be beginning to grasp why he is now single. His partner got sick of doing all the housework and him driving drunk. I don't know what you can do to bring home to him the seriousness of driving drunk.

Who cares if he's depressed fgs. He's behaving like a thoughtless selfish prick and that's not on.

Wtf are you tiptoeing around him OP?

0.8 is for blood. 0.3 is for breath. 0.107 is for urine.

The OP did a breath test so 0.3 is the limit.

It's time for some tough love. You can keep treading on eggshells. He's an adult. It's time to grow up.

Fucking hell, the minute a bloke acts like a prick, women are lining up to ask if he's depressed 🙄

He's just a selfish wanker. Stop allowing him to treat you like this. He needs to grow up. Drink driving? Disgusting.

His ex girlfriend isn't the reason he went NC. He is. I bet he treated her horribly.

It sounds like the break up hit him hard. I think you need to sit him down with your husband and talk to him. Say that you are worried about him. And also that his behaviour in the home is not on - he needs to pull his weight and not engage in risky behaviour.

Also give him a deadline to move out. Moving on with his life will help his mental state.

I'm not convinced his girlfriend was the bad guy in all this. He doesn't sound great I'm afraid OP.

I was thinking she was probably "controlling" because she was managing his shite behaviour.

And .12 is less than half the breath limit of .3

I agree. I'm one of the ones saying he wasn't over the limit. But then someone said it was0.08 which it isn't for a breathalyser.

How accurate are the type of beathalyser you can buy? Are they anywhere near as accurate as the police ones? It doesn't matter from a moral point of view, but I would be concerned about them giving a false sense of security if they are not all that accurate.

But OPs breathalyser said at 0.3 you'd be vomiting and confused which is definitely not the UK drink driving limit. That's very drunk. The driving limit is barely tipsy for most adults. Especially regular drinkers. I don't think it's measuring on the same scale

I think that on a BAC breathalyzer a reading of 0.08 is the equivalent of the limit in England.

That's because the 0.3 measurement is when a blood alcohol test is done.

The OP did a breath test.

picklemewalnuts · Today 10:19
Are you sure she was controlling, given his behaviour with you? Maybe she just didn't like his behaviour“

Agree. This is the behaviour of a truculent 15 year old, not a grown man.
If he’s depressed, help him to access GP in the first instance.
If he isn’t, he’s plenty old enough to rent a room elsewhere.

Wow, we don't even let our 9 year old treat us like this - and the kid does chores, he's part of this house, he helps make the mess, he helps clean up.

You are enabling him. You are part of the problem. He needs to pull his weight or fuck off and learn to be an actual grown up not a sulky spoiled little boy.

This!

Bet she got fed up of being his replacement mum, having to ask him to pick up after himself, wash up his own damn dishes etc, and he, in typical man-child behaviour, had a strop and called her "controlling" like these kind of mummy's-boys do.

Sit down with him and lay out the rules for living at home. He clears up and contributes the market rate for rent. Drinking and driving is irresponsible and selfish. No matter if he was in the legal limit if he drinks he should get a taxi or arrange who will drive with friends so that one of the group doesn’t drink. He needs to start being responsible.

The breath limit in UK is 0.035. the 0.08 figure it's blood level.

The OPs son was three times the limit.