It's actually not ok to be not ok?

[cheesefootballsarelife]

We are encouraged to talk about mental health it's ok to be not ok they say. Except actually it isn't.

When people greet you we often say "how are you?" But we don't really mean it. No one really wants an answer other than fine or not too bad.

I have long covid and my mental health is really suffering. Fatigue is so hard to explain to people as everyone thinks they feel tired. I think people just think I'm lazy.

So AIBU that not being ok is actually really hard to talk about

People engage in a platitudes and hashtag behaviour. Often they don’t mean #BeKind and aren’t empathic. It’s a case of find a receptive kind person who is genuine

Yep. People tend to glaze over if you say anything other than fine. It’s shit.

YANBU.

I suppose it’s okay not to be okay, in that people will be sympathetic rather then judgemental.

But it’s not okay to make the fact that you’re not okay somebody else’s problem.

For Example: Fine if you don’t want to come out to the pub. Not fine if you come out to the pub and sit in silence / look miserable / want to talk about your problems.

IYSWIM.

I’m not saying I agree with or endorse this btw, it’s what I am learning from experience.

I think a lot of people don’t understand mental health or simply lack compassion. I also think some people are scared of their loved ones becoming mentally unwell which leads to concern coming across as impatience, stress or even anger.
It takes big shoulders to carry the weight of someone else’s emotional burdens.

It’s fine to not be okay but the reality is that people who aren’t your close friends, family or doctors rarely have the emotional or practical
tools to be helpful when you tell them you’re not okay, and so often unintentionally come across as uncaring. Usually it’s just awkwardness: if you find your fatigue difficult to explain, it’s fair to assume most people find it difficult to understand and so “gosh that sounds hard, I hope you feel better soon” is the only platitude they have to offer.

It's really difficult. Everyone is so broken they can't necessarily help support others. No point telling someone you need something from them that they can't give.

It is good to be honest, and not pretend everything is fine, then again sometimes you just want some small talk and not the brutal truth.

Sending you best wishes OP - I know a few friends with long covid and it is horrific, I'm not surprised it is affecting your mental health

I think two things can both be true: people are becoming more selfish and people also don’t have the capacity to take on other people’s “stuff” when they are dealing with their own. Often you can’t see from the outside what someone is dealing with.

So true, I'm going through a very tough time and if anyone asks me how I am I always say fine. I assume they are just being polite. My work buddy knows better I cry on her a lot!

Well, everyone is carrying their own baggage. I will listen and try to emphasise to someone having a bad day, or a tough time.

It can be hard to truly understand what someone else is going through though. Mental illness and fatigue is hard to see and quantify…and that does make it harder to understand.

It depends really. I had a terrible year in 2022 and when I finally saw some friends we did talk about it for a while and they were great (I also listened to their problems so not one-sided!). However if I had sat there looking sad and talking about my worries all night it would have been miserable for everyone. Better that we said our bit then moved on to lighter topics so we could have a laugh and take our minds off the bad stuff.

We need to normalise it more so keep speaking your truth.

If everyone is more honest and has less masks and stops trying to keep up with the jones, we'd be a lot happier.

The ruling classes and hidden wealthy elite prey on the insecurities of normal people. Those fooled by their spell will show little empathy. Find people with good hearts and try to spend as much time with them as possible, even if it means seeing usual friends less x

I think the phrase is being misunderstood.

Yes of course it's okay to not be okay, that doesn't mean it's okay to lay that on everyone else.

In my opinion, it means it's okay to say "I'm not okay, I'm going to seek help for people that are qualified to help me/in a position to help me e.g. a therapist/close family member and friend."

It also means it's ok to take your foot off the gas and just tread water until you're in a better place, whatever that looks like for you.

It doesn't mean that everyone around you should become a sounding board for your problems/a source of assistance etc. Because....everyone has their own things, their own "bandwidth"

I know the friends of mine I do talk to when I'm not okay, I check first..."how dry is your well...I need to talk" kinda thing.

I think yabu. But the onus is on you to talk and explain how you're feeling. The few times I have said I feel really low my friends have listened. And I have " reached out" when I was worried by people's actions or lack of them.

Acquaintances saying "how are you?" as small talk are doing it as part of a normal surface-level social interaction. It's not meant to start a big conversation.

Big conversations about mental health and wellness can and should be had with genuine friends and family though.

Different relationships and different circumstances make different levels of conversation appropriate

It depends who you surround yourself with- or who you're un/forntuate enough to meet. I've started not bothering with anyone like this and it's quite freeing

Yes this.

I don't want anyone to pretend to be ok but sharing has to be appropriate.

Many mental health problems have deep roots and a long history and unfortunately I need to get on with stuff/get to work/collect children/care for elderly relatives etc. Of course i'd drop everything if it was critical/urgent but other than that people need to be discerning about what they share and who are others - without being dishonest or covering stuff up.

If they are not close friends/family that should say ....

People say it so they don't have to lift a finger when their friends and family are suffering

I don't think its okay to not be okay means you need to tell every man and his dog, or make your problems everyone else. It basically means be kind to yourself, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. Talk to people you trust.

Sometimes people will say how are you and it's just a platitude. Others will mean it. There's a time and a place for discussing our problems, close friends and family yes, a random work colleague maybe not

Great post.

I only have capacity to take on any extra for my nearest and dearest atm. With colleagues in the kitchen I'm looking for a "my shoes got wet on the way in/this new chocolate bar is nice/urgh long meeting this afternoon" level of interaction.

In my personal experience, I think there’s a huge lack of compassion and understanding around mental health illness being an valid actual illness. People are very good at talking the talk of “it’s ok not to be ok” but it can be a bit like the “just be kind” bandwagon.

If you said to someone your leg was broken, or you had been in an accident they would tell you to seek medical help. If you talk about depression - even just stating it’s a current issue without over sharing, people may often tell you “oh just don’t be so depressed/stressed” or “cheer up it might never happen” or “I don’t have time for your problems right now”. All of these things that have been said to me when I was really struggling and simply stated I was struggling at that time and no other details shared or help asked for. I had just shared in the context of “this is why I’m not myself right now” and not offloaded. To someone with clinical depression, you may as well say “just walk on your broken leg”.

I think people should be able to voice that they have a mental health concern without being shrugged off or asked to justify themselves or sort themselves out without professional help. I also think it’s fine to not feel comfortable with in depth sharing and perhaps signpost someone to professional support and let you them know you are there.

Some people ask you how you are as a platitude and some people want to hear the answer, and I’ve learnt to tell the difference. I myself will always listen if someone needs to vent and signpost to other support if I can’t help. I myself have been lucky enough to be listened to by someone who cared when I was struggling and they told me I was worthy of help to feel better, signposted me to counselling and it just made all the difference.

The key is not to dismiss a mental health concern as if it’s invalid as this is what happens far too often.

I was really struggling with work emotionally back in October/November. I’ve always loved my job but now I’m working 9-5 and no more because my morale is through the floor. I’m feeling stronger than I was but I went from confident, growing, learning, thriving to being a bullied, paranoid, anxious mess. I’ve never felt anything like it - constantly nauseated and crying on my way to work. One day I spoke up. I felt broken and I broke down in front of three senior colleagues, properly sobbing (so embarrassing and out of character).

one reacted with a I’m sorry this is happening and has avoided asking how I am ever since. One speaks to me regularly but doesn’t ask how I am. The third asked for weekly catch ups and since I’m feeling better has admitted he was worried (things are only better due to proactive steps I took through my own decision to take back power when I realised no help was going to be at hand). Not being okay made me realise my workplace doesn’t give a shit and my priority should be my family. It has made my relationship stronger with dh. He’s my rock and the absolute love of my life who held me through it all.

i agree though. It’s not okay to not be okay.

I think the bigger problem is that the NHS can rarely help adequately with mental health problems just now. And in that sense it’s really not ok to not be ok.

But I do know what you mean. Hidden disabilities are hard because people really don’t understand what they don’t see, and I always find it disappointing when I let myself hope that someone might get it a bit but then they inevitably don’t! And then it’s easier just to hide completely rather than be honest but misunderstood or disbelieved.

Also I think the whole “it’s ok not to be ok” and also “it’s good to talk” concept can be a bit counterproductive in that it sometimes seems to imply that a bit of a chat is going to solve the problems, whereas it definitely won’t cure your PTSD, schizophrenia, BPD, OCD etc. So in a way it seems to almost prevent the recognition of mental health problems as real medical issues.

Yes, exactly. ‘How are you?’ can be just a social platitude at the corner shop, or a serious question from someone who really wants to know. You need not to confuse the two.

Yes to both the posts above from @AreOttersJustWetCats and @Scumbling

You shouldn’t dump your not-OK-ness on random polite people, who may themselves actually not be all that OK.