To think working *Part time is not the easier option?

[Shushupsheshouted]

I worked full time all my life (teaching and tutoring in the evenings and weekends) until I got pregnant at 39, not through choice, ideally wanted a child earlier.
I've been at home with my dc for four years, very grateful for this, but it’s also been hard work and I’ve basically done everything around the house and so on, Dh could come home and that was it.
Dc is now at school and I’ve returned to work part time whilst she’s in school.
But I still do everything I did before, with the added part of working outside the home too, is this fair?
I get Dd up and ready for school, breakfast, dressed etc and drop her off. I then go to work, pick her up after school, bring her back, usually stopping to supermarket shop on the way back, get snacks ready, walk the dog, clean, make dinner, then sit down for dinner when Dh gets home. It’s then alternated between us every night, who does bath, stories and bedtimes.
Weekends have continued to be the same, I cook on Saturday and Sunday, Dh generally do the garden when it needs doing and sometimes wash the car.
I hate it being seen as I *Only work part time, when really I feel I’m doing a hell of a lot and it would be easier to stay on a couple of hours at work, rather than fo all the extra crap?

Two things stand out

I have to fit it around Dd why? Because you want to or because BETWEEN YOU child care is unaffordable? Why can't you go full time?

I get Dd up and ready for school, breakfast, dressed etc why doesn't he help? Has he left to go to work or is he sitting there calmly eating his Weetabix?

... bring her back, usually stopping to supermarket shop on the way back, get snacks ready, walk the dog, clean, make dinner, then sit down for dinner when Dh gets home ido think it's reasonable that if he's not getting in til 6 at least and you're finishing at 3 that you're doing SOME extra work, otherwise you're coming in and sitting about til 6 just so you can split it. But I wouldn't be running around crazily. Can you do an online shop for when you're home? You can always alt who does it.

If you're cooking all week, I'd expect him to cook at LEAST one night, ideally both.

Who's doing all the clothes washing and drying?
Who' s cleaning the kitchen and the loo and ironing uniforms?

Ultimately any labour in communal home hours should be split

What sort of job are you in now? Are you tied to school hours? I’d probably rather work 25 hours over 3 ‘full’ days and use wrap around care for DD on those days. That gives you 2 free days to stay on top of what you need to.

@Shushupsheshouted so what do you think should happen between 2.30 and whatever time he gets home and whatever the time difference is with leaving of a morning? Genuine question, if we know what you want people can be more helpful

@SleepingStandingUp I ideally would prefer she doesn’t stay longer at after school clubs etc…my pay is fairly good so we’re ok money wise to stick to less hours really.

He has to be at work at 8.30, Dd at school at 9 and me at work at 9.30

I do all the loo cleaning, kitchen, making dinners etc plus sorting alllll Dds school and life out basically

@VivaVivaa Private tutoring/homeschooling. The mum wants daily input for her Dd, which I understand. How I’d love two days at home, alone 🙏

So what tien are you all leaving and what time does he get in?

@SleepingStandingUp He leaves around 8, we leave 8.45, he gets in 5.30

@SleepingStandingUp I’m not sure, I just know that it feels like I basically do practically everything else, aside from the few daily extra hours he works

I’m part time at the moment (will go back full time when DS starts school)

On the days I’m off with Ds I just spend time with him and will keep on top of benches / dishes and maybe run the hoover round. If I was just off these days without DS I’d probably do more of the housework to free up weekends.

On days I’m at work, DH drops DS at nursery and picks him up, mainly because he passes the nursery so it makes the most sense. We all get up together so whichever one of us gets him dressed etc. if I’m working at home I pop the washing in that day.

DH cooks every night, I usually tidy round, we alternate bath and bed. On a weekend we both have a bit of a clean for an hour - jobs I’d probably do if I wasn’t looking after DS on my non working day.

Seems pretty fair. Working days are easier than days with DS, but days with DS are more fun and rewarding, if that makes sense!

YABU - didn’t you have a convo about splitting the house and child admin before you went back?

those are ridiculous PT hours, get less longer days. I work 30hrs per week condensed into 3, I have two kids, two dogs and three horses. The days I’m office based I get myself up and to work and my husband takes care of the animals/kids/house that we share equally in enjoying. Jesus wept this forum never ceases to amaze me how some couples operate.

I. GET. YOU! Some people just won't unfortunately, because I'm guessing they probably feel the same about part time work. I often think how lovely it is for my husband to get himself dressed and go out to work on his own, not have to feed, clothe and drop off 2 kids before he gets there. But he probably thinks I have a whale of a time "sitting at home". I've come to realise this is just how we will feel about each other whilst DC are little, and it's best we don't share it with each other 😂

You're doing a fab job, Mummy. You don't need anyone else to tell you that.

I work full time as a single mum to two and have no support at all and I would say the game changers for me have been having a dish washer, having a robot hoover and paying to have my laundry done done once a week for £10. I send it off and it comes back clean and folded. Online shopping helps massively too.
Think about what you can do to make things a bit easier, if you cook on Saturday can you cook extra and have that on the Sunday too to save time?
I feel happy coming home knowing my hoovering is done, my pots are clean dry and ready to put away and my washing is done it's genuinely saved me so much time and energy.

That does seem a particularly difficult way of working part time - longer days and a couple of days off would make it seem more worthwhile I think. I can see why it doesn’t work in your particular role to change that, but it does sound really tough.

i think you need to split things a bit more with your DH. In particular your respective weekend jobs don’t sound fair - his are “as and when”, quite satisfying jobs, and yours are monotonous thankless tasks.

There’s no reason why something like cleaning the loo belongs to the parent who works shorter hours either.

Id change to on line shopping and if possible get a cleaner too. You are running yourself ragged.

I get where you are coming from.

I work PT 38.5 a week average but it’s variable week to week (shift work). I have a fixed day off and have my toddler then with big one at school. Feels like I have to cram all life admin into that day plus spend time with the kids who I might not see the rest of the week.

The thing that I find hardest is that if there is ever a course/work event etc on my non- working day it is soooo hard to sort childcare. I feel so jealous of my partner knowing that 8-6 every day plus the 24h I don’t work is not his responsibility and he can just plan his work diary with total freedom, and gets to see the kids every bedtime.

Oh - I’m a single mum working full time but my two are 14 and 9. I’ve always worked full time both when I was with exh and since I left 4.5 years ago. Just always used some form or other of childcare.

Have always shopped on line since way back before kids - costs no more if you factor in petrol/ bus fare - and likewise always prioritised paying for a cleaner.

And I have low standards in house work.

What exactly do you want him to do? Have you asked or said you are finding it too much? It sounds like you have everything under such tight control, it may not be obvious.

You may have inadvertently become so much the "expert" in doing everything for your DD whilst he's at work, you will have to positively work out a different plan together. He might quite like to be a bit more involved.

Timely article: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/24/mum-watched-me-correct-my-husband-then-sagely-warned-me-dont-become-the-expert-in-the-baby?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

So either go full time or stop working if you're okay financially.
If you work ft you can probably afford to pay for help?

Of course it's easier being part time. I'm full time and still do shopping, cooking etc... To suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

It’s about what’s left at the end of the day to do when you are both at home

so when your at home doing the things your complaining about what would you be doing if you left them for him when he get home from work

the way it works in ours house if one at work the others at home one at home cracks on as both are “working “ then we split what’s left when we are both at home

I work 10 hours a week as well as working I -
Do food shop
Hoover/tidy washing/pots/recycling/bathrooms/cooking/deep cleaning
Cooking mon- thurs
Attend meetings/appointments for ds (Sen)
Volunteer at ds school
Walk dog twice a day in week
Get ds ready for/collect from school

Dh works 37 hours a week plus commute he -
Does bins
Cars
Maintenance
Walks dog on my working days
Looks after ds when I work
Cooks Fri-sun

We both-
Share weekend jobs
Share care of dc on evenings and weekends

You are not really getting a break you basically start when your dc get up and finish when they go bed.

My husband worked full time and I part time. I would say you need to share things out more evenly as you're no longer a SAHM but are still acting like one/ being expected to.

It’s the problem with being a woman and taking the primary carer role.

I’m the same OP - but have set my job up around my DC. I’m a little disappointed in some respects as my career is on hold. But I really value being able to look after the children. My DH would gladly get a Nanny to enable me to go back FT and have a full on career, but I wouldn’t want that for my DC. My DH is the breadwinner (although my FT salary pretty good).

I do feel exhausted with it all but if DH is actually at work and not present/available I don’t hold it against him, he’s providing financially and I’m doing what I can for the DC.

Im afraid it’s the reality of being a working parent. This is why working mothers get annoyed when SAHM’s suggest they are super busy, we have to do all the same work just with some economically productive work added in to.

YABU because it doesn’t take 15hrs/week to do the cleaning, cooking, etc.
If you worked full time as well, you wouldn’t be coming home to a tidy home with dinner in the oven. Youre lucky that you can afford to only work 25hrs/week. Most parents have to both work full time and then do everything else on top.

If you are feeling like you don’t have enough time, then work with your DH on how to be more efficient. For example, perhaps he can take over the shopping and do it by Ocado or click and collect.

This seems the fairest way to do things.