sister taking over and i want to say......(long)

[lucykatie]

'hey, its my bloddy daughter'!

Heres the story, my sister (flash with cash to earn points type) has arranged to take my dd horse riding on sat, she told me it was sorthed for 3pm, i said ok as she would be back from cinema club by then.

Since that conversation i have agreed to look after a friends dd (also my dd best friend) for the weekend. she knows my dd is off horse riding and she was cool with that, agreed she would sit with me for an hour...sorted.

I then thought me and friends dd could go along to watch my dd havinf her first lesson.

Sister phoned today....demanding that dd has to be ready for 2pm, she will still be at club and i explained this and my sis says that she has to choose between the two, also i cannot go to watch, and if i really have too, i will have to sneak into watch my dd!!!! WHY?

she also commented on the fact that i bought ny dd2 a gift yesterday and she wanted to get het a gift, i said she can, just not that one, she went all mardy.

Am i being mad in thinking....hold on its my bloody dd and i will do whatever i like with bothe of them, i will not told that there are restrictions with my dd.

Sorry long post...be honest!!

god, i must be cross....how many spelling errors are there in that lot??

YANBU - I'd be fuming. But then I would normally go off all half-cocked and deal with it really badly - maybe try taking a breath and just being firm but nice with your sis - saying 'i'm sorry DD is not available for 2 p.m. on sat as she has something else on. I can bring her for 3 and meet you there, and I will be staying to watch as I have her friend with me' You could always try ringing the horseriding place to check is OK for you to watch and telling sis is fine with them. She might just want a bit of auntie time, but she's not being terrifically sensible about it.

I obv don't know your sis, but I'd be really worried if anyone wanted to take one of mine anywhere and I wasn't "allowed" to watch.

I think I'd be saying Oh well she'll have to go riding another time then, as she'll still be at cinema. You're right it's for you to decide where your dd goes, who with and at what time. Different if she's trying to be a good auntie for genuine reasons, but it doesn't sound like that's what you think is happening?

She did say it was 'their' time, however, lat time this happened she took dd shopping and spent a fortune on her, what she asked for she got.....my dd now thinks that is the norm and sis thinks she is bang out of order.

I have said to my dd that this is not norm and she is ok with that, however my sis still flashes the cash.....so my dd thinks she is the rich auntie.

At the end of the day i hate having restrictions put against me when it concerns my kids!!! and the fact that my dd has to drop everything to go out with her.

she has no kids, and really does not get the fact that they have clubs, and time restrictions and if on the very few occasions you get to see your auntie, she spoils you rotten, it will be expected.

I i do not think there is any terrible reason that she doesnt want me there...it will be purely to spend time with dd and show off a little!!!

I do trust my sis completly in that respect, she does love dd's dearly....its just the restriction thing and flashy stuff!!

YANBU - if she knew about the cinema club then she is being doubly unreasonable, especially as in all likelihood your DD was looking forward to both and now has to choose. Also why do you have to "sneak in" to watch her - find that very odd. I would do what EllieG suggested and call the riding school to ensure you can come and also cheekily ask if there is a 3pm slot available. If there is you could then call your sis all bright and breezy and let her know you have solved the problem for her Devious but it may just work

When used to take DD riding anyone could go along, we had cousins and friends and grandparenst and everything waiting and watching so I'd be surprised if it was the stables saying she can't go.

Is your sister normally like this about other things, not concerning your DD or is it just with DD she gets controlling, I would understand if she was used to being able to snap her fingers and everything happen butif it's only wrt your DD I'd say there is a greater issue here.

Does she have children of her own?

Also, maybe, just maybe, they aren't going riding? Is there any reason she would need to pinch DD to do a surprise for you? (Probably way off the mark but just incase)

the lesson is booked for 3pm, and its up the road, however its first time for everyone and dont know whats involved so do understand that they may need to leave at say....2.30....dd will be back then!

I was happy to let them go off and have lesson, but because i am having friends dd, i thought it would be good for me ans friends dd to go and watch and have a giggle, my dd would love this as she can then 'show off' to her friend.

My sister is a controlling person, and yes she has the life of, whatever she wants she gets.

She has no kids, however was once desperatly trying for them with previous partner, new arshole husband does not 'do' kids!

As for a surprise for me.....thats laughable...but no.
ha ha

I'd stand your ground then - you're in charge of your children not your sis.

I think
"My sister is a controlling person, and yes she has the life of, whatever she wants she gets.

She has no kids, however was once desperatly trying for them with previous partner, new arshole husband does not 'do' kids!"

Explains why she has been acting the way she has but of course it doesn't mean it's ok! I'd try to have a word with her as kindly as possible saying something like 'She's my DD not yours' could really hurt her if she is desperate for kids, she may have decided that the only choice she has is to be a really hands-on auntie but it doesn't excuse her telling you what and where and when etc, even if she is used to it being that way with everything else.

Just explain to her that you're pleased ehr and DD have a good relationship, but as you mentioned the cinema club before she should've already understood,a nd tell ehr you'll call the stables to see if they are ok with you all going along, then if she gets narly just tell her that you understand she can speak to people in her working environment that way, but you you're her sister, DD is your daughter and you don't appreciate it.

I wouldnt dream of saying 'its my dd not yours', for the simple fact that i was around through all the trauma of her trying and losing several babies....i know she wants/loves kids!

Like i said its lovely that my dd's have a fab relationship with auntie, but its always with restrictions and cash induced!

Would love her to come and just 'play' with them

off for a walk with dd2 before she goes crazy.....will read when i return.

I wasn't suggesting you would, but it can be all too easy to say the wrong thing when mightiliy pissed off.

Maybe she feels as she has no-one else to spend her money on that it's a Good Thing she does it for DD? She may even think she is helping you, and as she is spending money on things, times and restrictions apply themselves.

Try inviting her over for tea and bake some cakes or something, so she can spend some real time with them and maybe she'll prefer it.

Oh Lord, I have a horrible feeling I used to be your sister...

I too struggled for years to have children while SIL popped them out effortlessly, I also earned shedloads whilst SIL was permanently skint and I did like to spend it all on my nieces and nephews...

In my defence I never bought them extravagant gifts except on their birthdays, just if I took them out we would always eat somewhere nice, if we went to the theatre they got a programme/sweets/souvenir etc, if we were out for a specific activity and they needed something for it, I'd buy it... it didn't occur to me that I was 'taking over', I just thought I was being nice, and giving them something they wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity to experience (god that sounds patronising!) I also did the cake-baking, swing-pushing, dressing up stuff with my niece at home, so it wasn't entirely cash-driven. My niece is now 16 and although we don't go riding anymore now that dd has made her long-awaited appearance (I'm the skint one now!) we are still very close and have a great relationship.

To the OP, I would never have dreamt of barring my SIL from coming to watch her dd's riding lessons (she never came because she's terrified of horses), nor would I have expected her to cancel or rearrange pre-existing clubs to fit in with what I wanted to do, so I do think your sister is being a mite control-freaky and rather rude... perhaps you could co-opt the controlling tendency by giving her a timetable of your dd's weekly activities and then saying 'ooh, she'd be free between xx and xx on such and such a day' and you can then go and do something nice for yourself....?

And now I feel like I should go and apologise to my SIL for being a cash-flashing takeovery person...

Yes its very nice to take out children and treat them, i do it with my god daughter and my own children, however i think once in a while it does not hurt to pull them back a little and see that they can have the same amount of fun with out spending a penny....the trouble is with my sis is that it is all about money, since she has been with current partner.

Before when she was with previous fella, it was lets do whatever, even if it means just a good old walk.

Gonna let them go horse riding but i will make it clear that next time if i do want to come along then i will.