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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend time with parents?

14 replies

KookyNotOoky · 23/01/2023 14:40

Sounds awful to say I know but I find them incredibly draining to be around which is only getting worse as they get older.

Both are retired, in reasonably good health, no money worries. Father just sits on the computer all day editing obscure Wikipedia articles no ones reads (no, really). He has no friends, no hobbies, completely dependent on mother for the domestic stuff (washing, cooking etc.) - idea was he'd pick this up after retirement though nothing's come of that. He's borderline OCD and it's exhausting having to tiptoe around this - 'mess' in the kitchen whilst cooking, things placed on the 'wrong' shelf etc. Gets in a huff if you challenge him.

Mother spends her days drinking wine and getting in arguments with dad, neighbours, shop assistants etc. Again no real friends. Completely estranged from remaining family.

'Family together time' means sitting in front of a TV watching rubbish at deafening volume. Every time I visit (I live a long way away thankfully) I'm constantly on edge, tiptoeing around their moods and outbursts and feel like I've timewarped right back to childhood.
I've already reduced visits to the bare minimum, though there are several family events coming up I will have to attend and I'm seriously considering getting a hotel rather than stay at their house, though I know this will cause another argument as they pull their wounded puppy routine.

I have friends so say I should treasure the time I have left with them, though honestly I just find it a painful, stressful trial.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 23/01/2023 14:50

No, if they're that bad just leave them to it.

Lottapianos · 23/01/2023 14:59

They sound really dysfunctional and utterly miserable. How very sad. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around them.

Book the hotel - give yourself some space and distance from them. I started doing the same with my parents years ago. My parents are never happy, nothing is ever 'right', so I figured I might as well please myself and look after my own mental health. I hope you can do the same

mamabear715 · 23/01/2023 15:00

Oof, that sounds horrendous.. hotel, definitely.. invent some vague illness if you have to.. I'm almost coming out in a rash just reading about arguments & deafening tv..

Lottapianos · 23/01/2023 15:02

Oh and please ignore the guilt trippers who tell you that you should 'treasure' the time you have left with them. That works if your parents were being mildly frustrating now and then, not when they are sucking the life out of you

My MIL was a 'life sucker' . She died last year and honestly I feel a great relief. So please ignore the guilt - some people just don't get it

Sparklybutold · 23/01/2023 15:04

I empathise with this post. My in laws are tough to be around. The past year or so I've put a lot more boundaries in place. I don't like FIL so have put distance between myself and him. I have stopped initiating contact and let them initiate if they want to see the kids. Although this is really MIL as FIL is a very self important man. If being with them causes you stress, reduce contact.

lovelilies · 23/01/2023 15:04

Old people can be a PITA.

I find my own mother extremely irritating, she's opinionated and negative about just about everything.

I've pared down our interactions to be very superficial as I just can't be arse getting into a debate about the downfall of modern society (it was because of "women's libbers" who wanted it all and now men have no place and everyone is miserable btw 😒).

So now she accuses me of being a sheeple and 'going along'with the other stupid people.

It's tiring but she won't have it when I do try and explain how I feel so I can only manage small doses. She's 82, widowed and I'm an only child unfortunately.

Fraaahnces · 23/01/2023 15:05

Fuck! Life is not a Disney Movie! Not all families are straight out of Hallmark Movies. Go and stay in a spa hotel in Iceland instead. Live a little while you can. These people are soul suckers!!!

allfurcoatnoknickers · 23/01/2023 15:05

I was about to write a very similar post - right down to family time just being watching trashy tv with the volume turned right up - except that DM just monologues constantly over what's happening on the tv, so you can't even follow it.

I live abroad and haven't seen them since 2019 due to Covid and various other life things. They refuse to visit me, so the whole family are visiting them in August and I'm already dreading it. Like PP suggested, we're staying in an Air BnB so at least we'll have control of the tv during the evenings. I know my DM is going to lose her shit that we're not staying with them though and won't shut up about it the whole time...

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2023 15:05

Book the hotel, and ignore the people saying you should treasure the time. People who say that have no idea. They might treasure the time with their own parents, but they probably have no idea how awful other people’s are.

lovenotwar149 · 16/05/2023 07:05

I wouldn't stay with them anymore and I would be unapologetic about it. Own it. You are allowed to do and have what you want. It isn't a crime.

Sounds awful to say I know

You started your msg with the above opening lines. Very interesting. I find myself saying the same thing about my parents toxic behaviour too. If they behaved well with respect towards us, and we were seen and heard, we wouldn't feel this way. We are conditioned to not speak badly about our parents. But what if our parents were abusive and mean and take no accountability for their mistakes. I am NC with mine now and I am unapologetic about it MOST of the time now. Their manipulations are crystal clear now. But I am very sad about it too. There are no winners in this type of family dysfunction. My goal is to NOT repeat such behaviour towards my own children. If I achieve that I will die peacefully.

MintJulia · 16/05/2023 07:53

I think I'd try to get your mum out of the house. Does she need a new outfit for the upcoming events? Could you suggest a shopping trip?

I used to take dm shopping. I couldn't be in house with df. He resented my career, my car, my earnings, my life and I could do nothing right, but dm on her own and with a specific objective for the day was much better.

EmmaEmerald · 16/05/2023 08:25

Op "I have friends so say I should treasure the time I have left with them"

such a load of bull.

call them out on wounded puppy routine. Do you really have to go to these things?

All I can say is, try to minimise more. Tell them it's not worth visiting to watch TV.

do you think they might change? I got my parents to change a fair bit. I was utterly sick of them when they were mid 60s. Dad's dead but mum is heading for 85. It's all been such a nuisance, I can't really remember how I got them to be less annoying but I'm glad I did. Brutal honesty is good.

EmmaEmerald · 16/05/2023 08:27

I should add, my parents were/are nice but still annoy the crap out of me. It's hard to be around that. Minimise more.

dameofdilemma · 16/05/2023 08:54

It's difficult - if you have fond memories of your parents and they were loving, kind parents to you when you were growing up - I'd say try to be patient with them (whilst making the time spent with them manageable, eg staying in a hotel).

If you've never been close with them and the relationship has always been difficult - then as others say, you have no obligation to see them.

Parents reap what they sow to a certain extent.

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