To think MIL is wrong for this?

[maryxanne]

For context, a cousin of mine and my MIL don't get along, they had a "fight" that escalated very badly. My sons first birthday was last saturday, to which I knew, for the sake of myself, my son and other guests, they couldn't both be invited. I opted for inviting MIL, as inevitably she is DS grandma, which my cousin understood. The next day, my cousin invited DH, I, and DS for dinner, which we agreed to.

MIL today is acting a little immature, in my opinion, she cancelled plans we had due to "feeling unwell", i asked her what was wrong, to which she said nothing was and she would be fine, i insisted as she usually tells me everything and calls me a couple times through the day to vent/rant/talk. she again said she was fine and how she would be better off gone as she wouldn't be a bother to anyone.

after ending the conversation she has uploaded to facebook petty quotes and i messaged DH about his mum being noticeably upset, and almost crying. he didn't seem to bothered by it, almost a little annoyed as if they had argued about something. Since have found out that she expected DH and I to pick a side and ignore my cousin, because of what happens, which i'll add, wasn't as bad as MIL is making out to be, realistically.

Is she wrong to expect that we side with her? Am I wrong for not getting involved?

You are more than likely not wrong but obviously to some extent it depends what this really bad fight was about.

It entirely depends what your cousin and MIL fought about.

Am assuming it was at an event of yours that they came into contact and had the disagreement at, as your cousin and MIL are quite a distant relationship? I'd expect them both to behave like adults and drop any pettiness!

Unless you know that your cousin seriously wronged your MiL, YANBU.

My usual stance is - disagreements between people should remain between them alone, and it is really damaging for them to try and make other people pick sides and draw them in.

However, as PP have said, without understanding what the disagreement was about it can be hard to say if reactions are appropriate. If they just don't get on and an argument got out of hand I stand by the above. But if it's something extreme and truly awful and offensive such as racist remarks I can understand the upset around you continuing to associate.

to be specific, they don't like one another, they've made that clear. they bickered at an event i hosted last month and with alcohol, the bickering escalated. It was nothing serious, just stupid and petty, if i'm honest. It was immature on both parts and i told them they were both wrong and stupid, but for the sake of everyone else, I wouldn't be associating the two coming forwards. The majority of the argument escalated from something as small as who my son looks most like, me or dad. It was pathetic. FIL went as far as to say if he saw my DC in the street he would slap her, so if anything, I think they went further wrong. But, regardless, i'm not picking sides and neither is DH

Hell would freeze over before my mil tells me who I can and cannot speak to.

It’d be interesting to know what the disagreement was about to see who was unreasonable.

Bit pathetic to ask to choose and get all emotional. Stupid woman.

Your FIL sounds horrific

Your fil threatened to slap your child?! Bloody hell. Tell your mil your relationship with your cousin has no bearing on your relationship with her. She cannot dictate who you speak to, that's ridiculous.

no, sorry, he said he would slap my cousin because of the argument and how fed up of her he is. not my child, sorry my cousin!!

When you told them you weren't associating with the two of them any further, did you just say that or did you say at the same time? Because maybe MIL misunderstood.

Given that your FIL threatened your cousin with physical violence your MIL is out of order being in a huff. For many many people that would be a crossed line.

Since have found out that she expected DH and I to pick a side and ignore my cousin, because of what happens, which i'll add, wasn't as bad as MIL is making out to be, realistically.

"MiL - don't ask me to take sides & I will continue to overlook your husband's threat of violence to my cousin. I am prepared to keep you apart by not inviting cousin when you are here, but I won't be discussing this with you again. Do you want tea or coffee?"

If she persists - "as I said, I won't be discussing this any further" - & walk away from her.

i asked her what was wrong, to which she said nothing was and she would be fine, i insisted as she usually tells me everything and calls me a couple times through the day to vent/rant/talk. she again said she was fine and how she would be better off gone as she wouldn't be a bother to anyone.
You are far too enmeshed with this demanding, irrational woman.
Does she call her son twice a day? Vent & rant at him?

You'd be better off creaitng a little distance, starting with reducing the quantity & intensisty of these daily calls.

These are grown ass women? Unbelievable.

They're behaving ridiculously. Is your DS the only young child in both extended families? becuase that is the only reason I can even begin o imagine this level of pettiness has been allowed to develop.

Oh, and I'd refuse to only invite one or the other. Becuaseyou're going to get in trouble every time. They should be grown ups. I mean sure, don't invite just the two of them round for kitchen supper, but broader events with larger numbers of people they should be mature enough to be polite and ignore each other as needed.

i insisted as she usually tells me everything and calls me a couple times through the day to vent/rant/talk.
sounds awful. Do neither of you have other things to do? Or just want less negativity in your lives?

she again said she was fine and how she would be better off gone as she wouldn't be a bother to anyone.
i have no time for this victim behaviour.
especially not when her DH threatened to slap a woman. She needs to get over herself.

let her sulk
you could all do with the distance

So she doesn't expect you to pick A side at all, she expects you to pick HER side. Just tell her you won't be doing that as you are an adult.

If she chooses to cancel plans which involve her seeing her grandchild, that's her choice, it isn't any skin off your nose. After all she's the only person who suffers from that childish approach. So just let her get on with it.

If your inlaws are advocating violence towards your cousin I think I know what 'side' I'd pick!

MIL sounds childish. FIL sounds violent.

MIL calls you twice a day to vent/rant/talk, and posts vague, attention-seeking quotes on Facebook, instead of communicating like a normal, functioning adult. FIL threatens to slap your female cousin if he sees her in the street.

They sound vile tbh.

So your cousin and your mother in law are no relation and somehow got into a fight this severe over nothing? Are you living in Eastenders?! They both sound awful.

It all sounds awful @maryxanne, I think you could do with a break from all of them but especially your in-laws.
What stood out for me (apart from your FiL threatening to hit your cousin 😲) is MiL saying she would be better off gone as she wouldn't be a bother to anyone. - what's this about? Trying to get you on her side or else her life isn't worth living? Emotional blackmail at its worst 😡

So you FIL threatened to slap your cousin and expect you to be on their side? You need to tell both parties that until they settle their differences, none of them will be invited to any gathering

You inserted yourself and invited drama in this case.

She says she is unwell- sorry to hear that I hope you feel better - the end.

But you wanted drama and so you pushed her and then went to to checking out her Facebook and calling your DH to gossip about it.

You all sound exhausting.