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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty? Does it matter?

13 replies

TenTenEleven · 23/01/2023 10:23

I have a school mum acquaintance. It's always been a very one-sided 'friendship' in that she would ask me to do favours for her but I've never needed her to do anything for me.

I've always known this about the friendship and am under no illusions that she's not a CF. But until now, the favours she's asked me have really been no skin off my nose, so I've ignored the CF-ery because it hasn't ever really put me out. For example she'll message me about term dates or inset days and it's all already up on the school website which is where I got the original information from in the first place. But I'll just forward her a calendar invite because it takes 10 seconds.

But the other day she asked me for a favour and I just thought 'no', I don't want to. It would be absolutely no bother for me to do it at all - it would just require me to photograph something really straightforward and WhatsApp it to her. But I just feel like I want to say no on principle. Is that really petty?

She's starting to remind me of one of those DH's you read about on here who always ask their wives have we got any milk? Or where's my football boots? It's like rather than do something herself or find it out for herself, she just asks me. And like with the DH example, you could just say 'yes we have milk' and it would be no bother to say it, but it's the principle of it that he could have just checked himself. Do you know what I mean?

I guess I could just send the photo but then it would be the next thing and the next thing and I would like to nip it in the bud really. AIB petty to just ignore the request?

OP posts:
daemonologie · 23/01/2023 10:26

Yeah I know what you mean. You're like her assistant. Why don't you start a class WhatsApp group where other parents can pitch in so it's not all on you. Then you can mute it!

riotlady · 23/01/2023 14:25

I would just start responding with something along the lines of “sorry idk, have you looked at the school website?”
fingers crossed she’ll get the hint

Flapjackquack · 23/01/2023 14:29

I understand, it would wear me down after a while. My brother can be like this but I can be a bit more acerbic in my replies to him than an acquaintance.

SeaweedGarters · 23/01/2023 14:31

Of course you're not unreasonable. What on earth is in this for you? Actual friends help one another out without thinking twice, but it's a mutual situation. This doesn't seem to be anything I would recognise as a friendship, more like a one-sided set-up where you're an unpaid personal assistant.

GoldDuster · 23/01/2023 14:31

'no', I don't want to.

Is enough.

Don't reply to the requests. Reply to any messages that she sends that aren't using you as her unpaid PA.

maddy68 · 23/01/2023 14:37

Yep you are being petty.

But you are enabling this.

Take ages to reply ... Then Just say it's on the website then don't reply of she asks you to send it. She will just think you're crap at messaging

LakeTiticaca · 23/01/2023 14:59

Just respond 5 hours later and say sorry I'm really busy right now and tell her about this magical invention that tells you information at the the click of a couple of buttons 😉

Cococomellonn · 23/01/2023 15:03

No I have been like this before. I had acquaintances who ask questions that they could easily find the answers to on our online notice board but instead ask in group chats and I started saying "it's on the notice page" so that they could check.

Others must be nicer than me as they always answer!

I would say no Op. Either she's lazy and taking the P (and clearly disorganised) or wants an excuse to talk to you?!

cornishcrusader · 23/01/2023 15:08

Maybe she is lonely and asking you things as a conversation starter?

Blixem · 23/01/2023 15:20

My (former) friend was like this. DH used to say I was her google as any questions she had, she just asked me, even if it was something I'd know nothing about!

Hillarious · 23/01/2023 15:22

At work, we use the passive aggressive response of "Let me just Google that for you!"

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 23/01/2023 15:31

I would bounce it back and make sure that every request results in a task for her.

So…

School Mum - “Hey Ten, can you send me the term dates and inset days”.

You - ”Hi Friend, I don’t know them but when you find out can you let me know what they are”.

School Mum - “Hi Ten, can you WhatsApp me a photo of xyz”

You - ”Hey friend, I don’t xyz but when you get hold of one can you send a photo of it to me”.

She’ll soon find someone else to do her life admin for her.

JudgeRudy · 23/01/2023 15:47

This would get to me too. I'm presuming the photo is something in your home that others might not have access to so itcwould be difficult to signpost her elsewhere so now is an ideal time to put a stop to this dependency.
Message back..."no can do. its really not convenient"....don't say 'now', but if she says it's OK, she'll wait/do it when you have time....say "your X is really not on my list of priorities. If its important you'll have to sort it yourself"
You've not lied, you've not made an excuse, but you've not been rude either. You've also ended with the key phrase...sortbit yourself.
If requests come via texts you've time to consider your response.
I suspect if she's an habitual CF she'll not give it too much thought and will just move on to a new default PA.

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