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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling sad... but also guilty for being upset :(

12 replies

fluffyy · 23/01/2023 10:01

My DH and I have been struggling to conceive for over 3 years now. The years have been really emotionally draining and I'm saddened to say my mental health has plummeted during these struggles Blush

My lovely younger sister and BIL told us that she would like to start trying for their first baby. They explained their reasonings for telling us, so it isn't so much of a shock etc if / when it happens and so we have time to process things. They were lovely and really sensitive about it.. but it still really hurt. I tried to paste on a happy smile and encouraging words but deep down it felt like my own life was shattering.

Anyway, a month later and yesterday she found out they're expecting. It happened to fast I'm shocked. I'm happy for them, of course I am. And excited deep down, but I feel so sad. I also feel terribly guilty for feeling this way. This isn't my news and isn't about me, so why do I feel so sad. I tried my best again to smile and get excited for them, but my heart just hurts.

My DH has last week, been advised that he has a low sperm count so we now know more about why we have been struggling to conceive, and we have been looking into our options but it's all so costly. I just wish for nothing more than our own baby. It's all either of us want 😔 it's just so hard.

So, I guess.. AIBU to feel so sad, even though somewhere inside I'm elated for them? I feel so selfish and awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffyy · 23/01/2023 10:05

Even reading back through that makes me sound so awful Sad

OP posts:
Maryquitecontrary55 · 23/01/2023 10:06

Ah OP, you're absolutely justified in feeling sad. You poor thing. It's really tough. Go easy on yourself. I hope everything works out for you.

neverbeenskiing · 23/01/2023 10:09

Of course you feel sad. It's normal to feel this way when something you want so desperately, that is out of reach, seems to come so easily to others. It feels unfair, because it is unfair. Give yourself a break.

PolarBeear · 23/01/2023 10:09

YNBU emotions are nothing we can control. As long as you don't act on your emotions e.g. in spite or of any detriment to you or your husband you are definitely not being unreasonable . You're journey isn't over because someone has just started xxxx Flowers

Sunnyday777 · 23/01/2023 10:10

You don’t sound awful op, you sound really lovely as does your sister for speaking to you in such a sensitive way prior. I just wanted to say it’s ok to be happy for her and sad for yourself. I had years of unexplained infertility so I know that feeling of plastering on a smile. But your hurt is valid. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your sister so hopefully in time you can become a fantastic aunt to your niece or nephew.

Original poster
fluffyy · 23/01/2023 10:11

It's just bitterly unfair. I'm looking at at LEAST £10.5k for the help we would need privately. The NHS wait is so long, and the GP surgery has been useless so far. They mis-referred me recently and it's put a huge spanner in the works 😞

OP posts:
VenusStarr · 23/01/2023 10:12

You are not awful ❤️ infertility is one of the hardest things to go through. I've been trying for my first baby for 5 years. We finally conceived after ttc for 16 months and that was the first of 6 pregnancy losses. Even though we have had countless tests, investigations, treatment, ivf - I've pretty much done it all and it's not worked. So now I'm just dealing with loss, grief and infertility. It has robbed me of so much.

Meanwhile, everyone else lives their life, living the life you hoped you would have with their children. You're just stuck. Life can be very cruel.

Go gently with yourself xx

budgiegirl · 23/01/2023 10:12

It's absolutely normal to feel sad in these circumstances.

I had to tell my sister that I was accidentally pregnant with my third child while she was struggling to conceive and considering IVF. We both cried, a lot !
She told me that she was happy for me, but just wanted the same for herself. Totally understandable, and your sister sounds like she will understand your feelings.

Please be kind to yourself, you've nothing to feel guilty about

Honeyroar · 23/01/2023 10:17

It’s totally natural to feel like that, and you’re not being awful. I couldn’t have children and I felt like that every time a friend got pregnant. I used to cry my eyes out in private but smile when I saw them. Your sister sounds thoughtful and kind. She’ll understand.

Coffeellama · 23/01/2023 10:18

fluffyy · 23/01/2023 10:11

It's just bitterly unfair. I'm looking at at LEAST £10.5k for the help we would need privately. The NHS wait is so long, and the GP surgery has been useless so far. They mis-referred me recently and it's put a huge spanner in the works 😞

It’s incredibly unfair OP, I don’t think you should feel guilty for acknowledging that either, because it IS totally unfair, and really crap. That doesn’t make you a bad person, anyone would feel sad and angry about that. It doesn’t mean you don’t want your sister to be happy, but what you are going through is awful and feeling sad is inevitable. Don’t feel guilty, the situation is awful, you are not.

Snugglemonkey · 23/01/2023 10:20

It is not awful at all. The pain of infertility is soul destroying. I have smiled while dying inside through many announcements. I have been lucky enough to get there eventually,but I spent 12 years TTC. I really hope you also have the baby you want so much x

Ell95 · 23/01/2023 10:20

Absolutely normal for this to be your reaction don't even feel bad at all! Me and my partner struggled for a few years and everyone around us was getting pregnant and it was a smack in the face- I avoided seeing pregnant family members and friends, baby showers even coming up with excuses not to meet the baby. It's a massive battle and it affects your mindset and mental health. You have every right to feel how you feel. Take one day at a time.❤️

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