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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this weird?

21 replies

Fs3410 · 23/01/2023 00:43

Ok so I have really bad anxiety and overthink everything so looking opinions on this cos this is really worrying me. My brother has recently come into contact with a distant relative of ours, she lives in another country, they message each other everyday and she wants to come visit. He's planning on going over to get her and she will stay with him while she is here. They havent told any of our extended family that she is coming because she wants it to be a surprise, none of our family have met her before. I find this very strange, why wouldn't she let people know she is coming? I would not like a relative I have never met landing at my front door unannounced but I am not a people person so maybe that's just me? I just find the whole thing really strange she's a young girl 20, he's 43, if it was me and this was my daughter I would not want her travelling and staying with a man she doesn't actually know in real life in another country but he has spoke to her parents (who we have also never met) and apparently they are on board with it, I know she's an adult but just barely imo, am I overthinking this? Or is this weird?

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 23/01/2023 00:47

One minute she's a 'young girl' and then 'I know she's an adult'? Confused

It's certainly unusual (the wanting to surprise the family) but it's not that weird. He's going to her country and will presumably meet her family - although you describe that as 'going over to get her' which makes it sound a bit weird.

Did he say she's planning on actually turning up on doorsteps?

loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 00:51

If there's evidence that she's a relation than I wouldn't say it's weird. But go with your gut instinct

Original poster
Fs3410 · 23/01/2023 00:52

@DuplicateUserName If you read the rest of that sentence I said "I know she's an adult but just barely imo" she said she wants to meet the family but wants it to be a surprise I'm not entirely sure how she plans on doing it

OP posts:
VyeBrator · 23/01/2023 00:52

loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 00:51

If there's evidence that she's a relation than I wouldn't say it's weird. But go with your gut instinct

The OP says she has really bad anxiety and overthinks things and you think she should go with her gut instinct?

DuplicateUserName · 23/01/2023 00:56

Fs3410 · 23/01/2023 00:52

@DuplicateUserName If you read the rest of that sentence I said "I know she's an adult but just barely imo" she said she wants to meet the family but wants it to be a surprise I'm not entirely sure how she plans on doing it

I did read the rest of the sentence and she hasn't been a young girl for at least 8 years.

If you're not entirely sure how she plans on doing it, ask your brother.

It might be a gathering or something. Either way, no point in worrying rather than asking.

But, if you think your brother is having (or wanting) some sort of strange inappropriate relationship with her (which is what you seem to be implying), perhaps befriend her when she arrives and make sure she's ok?

JudgeRudy · 23/01/2023 01:02

Why is your brother going over to get her? Is she not confident travelling alone? If so I'd suggest she really ought not be planning on staying with a stranger in another country.
It's odd to keep her a surprise. Tbh I'd feel the same as you and wouldntvwsnt a random 2nd cousin trust upon me. She may not get the rousing reception she expects when Mum says she's out with Carol that weekend and cousin Tom has gone skiing!
Another thought that crossed my mind is are you from a culture that would practice union of distant relatives in marriages. Is your brother single? Could it be that he will actually be introducing you all to his fiancee (assuming all goes well with parents) who will be joining him in the UK?
Do update us!

Original poster
Fs3410 · 23/01/2023 01:08

@JudgeRudy no we are English he definitely won't be introducing her as his fiance. She has said that she is nervous about travelling that's why he is going over to bring her over, he will also go back with her.
@DuplicateUserName my brother is not like that, I am not at all worried that he is looking to have any kind of inappropriate relationship with her not did I imply this in my post

OP posts:
loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 01:16

@VyeBrator yes she should go with her gut instinct? I have the same but I go with my first gut instinct otherwise I doubt myself and question everything due to anxiety!

AnyMucca · 23/01/2023 01:17

What about her parents, don't they want to come too? 43 year old man messaging a 20 year old daily, is he wife happy with this? All sounds a bit unsavoury.

Kanaloa · 23/01/2023 01:37

To be honest, yes, I’d think it very weird. A close relative showing up as a surprise is one thing - but a distant relative (presumably not in contact either if your brother had just come into contact with her) showing up on your doorstep out of nowhere is odd.

OriginalUsername2 · 23/01/2023 03:46

Maybe she thinks it will be like a film where the family rallies around and dotes on her because she’s blood?

In real life everyone will probably be confused and awkward.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 23/01/2023 04:19

She probably just wants a place to stay for free, but if she turns up unannounced, she may not get it.

JesusHRooseveltChristSassenach · 23/01/2023 05:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

JesusHRooseveltChristSassenach · 23/01/2023 05:27

Reported as posted on wrong thread!

SpaceMonitor · 23/01/2023 05:58

AnyMucca · 23/01/2023 01:17

What about her parents, don't they want to come too? 43 year old man messaging a 20 year old daily, is he wife happy with this? All sounds a bit unsavoury.

This. Why has he decided to form a relationship with the 20 year old woman rather than her parents who are also his relatives and presumably closer in age to him? It all sounds very strange.

Original poster
Fs3410 · 23/01/2023 06:56

@SpaceMonitor and @AnyMucca he isn't married, and she started messaging him over Facebook. I think he just sees it that she's family and he's just trying to help her. I'm assuming that the parents just don't want to come? As I say they are distant relatives she would be my 3rd/4th cousin so her parents probably just are not interested in forming any relationships with us, I certainly wouldn't travel miles to meet my 3rd cousins.

OP posts:
Wrongsideofpennines · 23/01/2023 07:06

I think its all a bit odd. Why not tell people you're coming so the family can be a bit more prepared. Do some research about the family so you have something to talk about. I think its odd that she doesn't want to travel alone buy is happy to travel with a stranger. Does she just want a free holiday to the UK?

If my 3rd/4th cousin rocked up I'd probably give them a cup of tea but apologise that I'm not sure who they are and I've got to go out in 10 minutes. And then carry on with my life.

OriginalUsername2 · 23/01/2023 07:44

Wrongsideofpennines · 23/01/2023 07:06

I think its all a bit odd. Why not tell people you're coming so the family can be a bit more prepared. Do some research about the family so you have something to talk about. I think its odd that she doesn't want to travel alone buy is happy to travel with a stranger. Does she just want a free holiday to the UK?

If my 3rd/4th cousin rocked up I'd probably give them a cup of tea but apologise that I'm not sure who they are and I've got to go out in 10 minutes. And then carry on with my life.

😂 Sounds about right to me!

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 23/01/2023 10:20

Did they meet through a shared interest in genealogy or dna matching? If so, it is not weird to meet up, but the secrecy would make me uncomfortable and suspicious.

Coffeellama · 23/01/2023 10:24

Why is he keeping it a secret from everyone apart from you knowing you suffer so much with anxiety? You sound concerned for this young girl with your brother. If she wants to come over and meet distant family to see if she can build a new life here maybe, why’s that bad?

Original poster
Fs3410 · 23/01/2023 11:53

@Coffeellama I'm not concerned for her around my brother, I am worried about what her intentions are. It just seems really strange to me that she reached out to my brother, no one else, arranges to come over in secret so she can surprise people who don't actually know her, like why it just doesn't make sense to me.
@Forgottenmypasswordagain no she friended him on Facebook, she is definitely related to us though

@OriginalUsername2 this is probably what she thinks, thank you this has actually put my mind at ease a bit

OP posts:
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